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Unhappy Marriage


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#1 muslimah28

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Posted 31 March 2008 - 05:42 AM

Asalaamu alaykum,
If someone is unhappy in their marriage for various reasons, what should they do? JIs it better to stay in the marriage or end it? azakhAllah Khair brothers and sisters. for your input
Walaykum asalaam

#2 Abu Zakariyah

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Posted 31 March 2008 - 02:08 PM

Find out what the problem is, always a core reason.

#3 Aamina

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Posted 31 March 2008 - 03:20 PM

Wa 'alaykum assalam

Sister, divorce should be the last option, find out the reasons why you are so unhappy and if there is any way you can reconcile the marriage; try all possible ways. If after exhausting all methods of reconciliation, there is no progress in the relationship between the husband and wife, then you may consider ending the marriage. But I am sure that by trying out methods of reconciling there will crop up a reason to stay together.

#4 ummammaar

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Posted 31 March 2008 - 06:53 PM

:sl:

Your post is very vague, so not much can be said either way. How long have you been married?? The first few years, especially the first two are very difficult for EVERYONE, even if they pretend like it's not. Trust me on this.. just because you don't hear or see it, doesn't mean it's not happening to or hasn't happened to others as well.

But here is some general advise regarding dealing with such feelings if they are generally there.

Do istikhara regarding what should you do for the best of your deen and dunya and how to solve the issues that are in your relationship. Trust me, no marriage is free from difficulties, fights, and what not..No body goes to sleep each night with a smile all day.. And no one is ALWAYS smiling or laughing with their spouse. Focus on the good. Do you think maybe you are magnifying small problems?

Have you communicated with him without sobbing when he was relaxed, not mad, not stressed out, not busy, and didn't JUST walk inside the house? How did that go? Did you try again, without nagging? How did that go? Maybe, give him daleel for whatever wrong (if any) is being done...in a polite manner.. Play lectures.. send him emails with articles or questions from Islamqa(contact admin if its a beneficial link) for example.

Go for individual AND marriage counseling. Give things some time. Nothing is supposed to change overnight. If you still feel the same, consult a trustworthy shaykh or imam. Do istikhara about what really should be done.. what would be best, for we humans do not know what is best for us. We think we do, but we don't. Only Allah Knows that.


Then, what I would suggest is that you make seperate lists for each of these and THEn think about it:
1) make a list of sins (major, and minor)..
photocopy it..

Now, one is for you and one is for your spouse.. but both will be used by you based on what you have seen and is not simply your perception or assumption. Cross off everything that was NEVER done in one's whole life. Then, cross out something that was done, but one repented for.. NOw, you're left with uncrossed things that ARE being done, and have not stopped (tawbah has not been done). Now, in regards to your husband you would have to find out, but don't let him get that list for you. In fact, do not even title, me, or my husband on either of them. You don't want him to think that you go on looking for faults in him and others, because that is not how a muslim should be.

2) Make a list of good reasons to stay married (in general). On the other side of the page, or on a seperate one, write specific good reasons that only apply to him. What are some good qualities in him as a muslim, as a human, and as your husband. Then, you need to think about whether any of these truly apply to you or not. Or is he way better than you that you now realize that you should be grateful for the good you have in life and that perhaps, when we complain of small bad stuff (if it's small that is), that actually we are ignoring the good that we are blessed with, which maybe we don't even deserve. SubhanAllah.

3) Now, after this, if you are still confused, you need to make a list of how if this marriage is, maadhAllah, harming your deen, how it would be good if you weren't married to this person, and make sure you do not do this when you are emotional, on PMS, or on your period, or after talking/listening to a negative person who maybe convinced you into leaving him, maadhAllah. Alright..

Then, you review all your lists.. Weigh all the pro's and con's of both sides, and think about what you want to do.

If you know of any bad cases, don't try to compare them with yours the wrong way by being paranoid into thinking that your husband is like that too. Never compare your husband to your father or someone else's husband, in any way, shape, or form. The right way to go about this is in all problems in life that we are faced with, think of those that are less fortunate than us. So maybe you can think about people whose husbands go clubbing, don't provide for them, etc. If you don't have any of those issues, you are extremely blessed, so be grateful to Allah.

p.s. Don't be around too many single people as they generally paint a rosy/Romeo Juliet dreamy vision of marriage. Plus, although they need a reality check, it needs to be in a balanced manner, so you don't want to scare them. Avoid talking to divorced people (whether recent or long time) because often they will make you think you are going through the same problems or will go through the same, maadhAllah. So they might be sincere, and love you, but they won't relalize, they will turn you into a negative person, too. They don't always admit or indicate missing marriage at all (It's not even necessarily about the person). This is very important. Trust me, the more you talk to such people, or hear or read what they have to say.. the more you will get influenced, maadhAllah. Therefore, be responsible and don't create more problems for yourself. Imaginary problems that may turn into reality that is. Wal eeyadhubillah.

#5 ummammaar

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Posted 20 August 2008 - 02:06 AM

:sl:

I'm not one to tell anyone to divorce, but it is not one way or the other. It really depends.

You need to see if the marriage is good for your deen overall or not. Also, get counselling or at least briefly speak to a trustworthy shaykh (make sure he is not single himself or someone who likes you or is envious of your husband).

#6 ( )

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Posted 20 August 2008 - 03:19 AM

talk to your spouse
try to work things out

#7 wiseguy

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Posted 20 August 2008 - 03:43 AM

The Prophet Muhammad(peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah." (Reported by Abu Dawud) The spouses should avoid divorce as much as possible. If they have difficulties and problems they should try to work out their differences and seek help from their relatives, friends or professional counselors. However, if the differences are irreconcilable then divorce is permissible, but it should be done in a decent manner.

Elaborating on this issue, we'd like to cite for you the words of Sheik Yusuf Al-Qaradawi in his well-known book, The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam. He writes:

"A husband must be patient with his wife if he sees something in her that he disapproves and dislikes. He should recognize that he is dealing with a human being with natural imperfections, and he should balance her good qualities with her failings. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman. If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing.”

And Allah Almighty says, "...And consort with them in kindness, for if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good." (An-Nisa': 19)

While on the one hand, Islam requires the husband to be tolerant and patient with what he dislikes in his wife, on the other hand, it commands the wife to try to please her husband as far as her ability and charm allows, and warns her not to let a night pass during which her husband remains angry with her. A hadith states: "There are three (persons) whose prayer does not rise even a single span above their heads: a man leading a congregational prayer while the people hate him, a woman passing the night while her husband is angry with her, and two quarreling brothers." (Reported by Ibn Majah and by Ibn Hibban in his Sahih)

If other approaches fail, and the rift between the husband and wife deepens, the matter then devolves on the Islamic society for solution. Two individuals of good will and sound judgment, one from the wife's and one from the husband's side, should meet with the couple in order to try to resolve their differences. Perhaps the sincerity of their efforts may bear fruit and Allah may bring about reconciliation between the spouses.

#8 Muhsinmuttaqi

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Posted 20 August 2008 - 08:12 AM

Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahee wa Barakatu

Be patient and have tawakkul!

#9 twoswordali

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Posted 20 August 2008 - 01:57 PM

divorce is permissible!!! plain and simple if things are not working out then divorce remember you still have to be brother and sister in Islam. Marriage is the same as an Imam and his communitie, If the comunitiee nolonger wants him as the Imam then the Imam should step down(we all know the hadeeth of the Imam whos in a leadership role yet his communite doesnt want him there)

and a Imam that is right to lead the people who is put there by the people and is better for the people should lead the people. The same is for marriage, if your husband is not the husband that you want if he is not living up to the duties of a husband or any other various reasons then it is best to divorce and find a good leader for you a good husband,

if not we will have 2 very unhappy muslims in a relationship that can lead straight to hell and when it ends it will end with both parties hating each other and no peace at all. End it and be brother and sister to one another if it cant be worked out

#10 inara

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Posted 24 August 2008 - 02:24 AM

Well Divorce is the tool of Satan and should be use at a last option when there is no way out , Divorce is hated by Allah among Halal things
Satan is always pleased with the Divorce

i would suggest

1) figure out what is the root cause of your bad relation with your spouce

2) talk with your spouce about the problem and how you both can resolve them

3)if you both can't resolve the problems , consult with the elders and friends (not your father,mother,uncle etc)
unbiased persons from both sides and try to present problem there and get its solution

4) consult marriage counsler

5) even if you are not sure about your marriage do istikhara before thinking about quitting marriage and divorce

Assalamu alaikum

#11 twoswordali

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Posted 25 August 2008 - 11:48 AM

Well Divorce is the tool of Satan and should be use at a last option when there is no way out , Divorce is hated by Allah among Halal things
Satan is always pleased with the Divorce



WHATTTTT?!!!!!!?!!?!?!?!!


Are you forreal????????? Allah says divorce is permissable and you say its the tool of Satan, What!!!!!!!??? If it was the tool of satan the your saying that our prophet got married by using a tool of satan, you know he married a woman who got divorced right?? So satan was pleased with Muhammads marraige to a divorced woman?? Divorce is not hated by Allah please show me where in the Quran Allah says this, Divorce is permissable plain and simple and i belive strongly that that statement of it being a tool of satan should be retracted. Everything that you suggested after this statement is 100% good advice and i dont mean to take away from the good in which you have done in your reply but your first sentence is totaly wrong.

#12 Luv2Learn

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Posted 25 August 2008 - 02:13 PM

There is a hadith regarding divorce:

"Ibn 'Umar reported, The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allāh be on him, said "With Allāh, the most detestable of all things permitted is divorce."

So, it is permissible, but hated.

#13 {(~Genetic Fr3ak~)}

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Posted 15 October 2008 - 10:25 PM

:sl:

Dont go for Divorce straight away ... it may be permissible but is an act hated by Allah (s.w.t)

Talk show Lady- " so doctor Fr3ak what would be your advice "
Dr Fr3ak : " Well sister Talk show lady my advice would be ....."
Talk show Lady "We will come back right after a short break ..."

Transmission interupted .... ahem ahem : well now that I got that out of my system ... my sincere advice would be the following :

1)Try to sort out the problems with your husband and observe if he puts in conscious effort into it. this will signify the fact that he too wants this marriage to shape up and is someone who genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
2) Convey out your feelings as to how you would want your marriage to improve and see his reaction and opinions as this will give you the clear picture whether he will take an initial step towards making things better or not
3) KEEP SILENT and LISTEN to what he says and dont be judgemental when you ask him why he is unhappy in this marriage and what would he like in order to make things right ... If you start reacting he will stop trusting you and convey his heart out knowing you will react and be all judgementally

LAST but not the least ... SEE if there is any improvement ... LISTEN to your heart once again ... do you still LOVE him... Is he the one whose face you want to see before you close your eyes ... and when you open again in the morning ... is he the one who makes you feel complete and appreciated ... is he the one whose annoying habits are sho chute ... is he the one who makes you smile when ever you think of him ?

If nothing works out ... you know the drill sister but please ... dont INSULT the institution of marriage by not giving up a fight for it. You married him for a reason ... to be with him in happiness and in sickness till death do you apart (PLEASE dont go OMG its all WESTERNY ... emotions are still the same)
You two are a team if one of the players are injured the other should make up for the game.

Tiz all i have to say and i shall say no more :sl:

~Fr3ak~ (Wishing you all the best in successful counselling ... P.S cook him his favorite meal when talking to him about this issue :no:)