21 replies to this topic

[iMusliMariam]

Salaam alaikum to the Muslim members of Gawaher.com

I have a few question:

Why do some people seem more shy and aloof than others?
What makes them shy and uncofident?

SubhanAllah. I have a sister-in-law who I believe wasn't supposed to be my sis in law because my brother was supposed to marry another Muslim girl whose mom promised when we were kids that she (the Muslim girl) and my bro get married to each other in the future... but some things changed, so my bro had to marry our first cousin. This cousin of mine I think has to be the most shyest person I've ever met in my life. Even to say yes, she just says 'mm' and when saying 'no' she just shakes her head. And the funny thing is, she's one year older than me and seems to be a bit immature. She's a sister in law whom I can never do any activities with or even start a communication with. If you ask her a question, most of the time she'll give a brief answer and not bother asking back. She seems very very unfriendly, and because of that I've decided that she is a sis in law whom I can never be friends with.

There is a Hadith that goes something like "There is no good in a person who is unfriendly and whom others treat in an unfriendly way" or "There is no good in a person who has no kindness" something like that.

A Muslim is supposed to be friendly, approachable and cheerful. This sister in law and cousin of mine has no qualities of friendliness in my opinion. Yes I've been told many times that she is by nature very shy. But what I can't understand is why she is that way. What makes people shy?

Maybe it's because I'm a 'niqaabi' and she feels intimidated by my being more 'righteous' than her? Maybe it's because she's jealous of me for some reasons that only Allah knows?

May Allah reward whoever tries to answer the above questions. Ameen

Wasalaam

[MarineLiner]

I have a few question:
Why do some people seem more shy and aloof than others?
What makes them shy and uncofident?
. . . . .

There is a Hadith that goes something like "There is no good in a person who is unfriendly and whom others treat in an unfriendly way" or "There is no good in a person who has no kindness" something like that.
. . . . .

Maybe it's because I'm a 'niqaabi' and she feels intimidated by my being more 'righteous' than her?
Maybe it's because she's jealous of me for some reasons that only Allah knows?

May Allah reward whoever tries to answer the above questions. Ameen

assalaamu'alaykum,

This is very interesting.
I have difficulty to explain in english, but i try hard to participate to reply.

I had post in another thread where I tried to say my thought:
"Muslimin and muslimah should always think and do the positives. We call it "husnul". And try hard not negatives ("su'ul").
When accidentaly we do negative, we should as soon as possible ask forgiveness."

What i am trying to say is, let's leave "j**lous" thought. And try another "maybe".

Please forgive me if my reply is not so clear, but that's all I can do right now.

[abdullahfath]

perhaps she is intimidated or simply has trouble communicating with others...some people are that way and those who find it easy to communicate with others find it hard to understand this. In everyday life I have an issue where I find it difficult to initiate a conversation. perhaps she finds you intimidating...instead of condemning her perhaps you should try to reach out to her, ask her if she is uncomfortable or if something is bothering her. While she could be wronging you have you stopped to think that perhaps you are hurting her without realizing it? The greater jihad is the inner...I learned this during Ramadan, more than I thought I would. We must look at ourselves and be willing to ponder on whether or not we are the ones in the wrong before we turn to point the finger at another for if we all do this would things not be better for us all?

[AHMAD_73]

you may, both, have diferent interests!!

you should try to find out what could be the most interisting subjects to here, religious, political, social, econimic, sports.....or could be about food preparing or children raising up...

[Younes]

Wa 'alaikum as-salamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

You definately need to have some Husnu dhan, a good opinion of people. We should make excuses for people, not wonder whether they are more intimidate by us because we are more righteous or they are jealous of us.

Your post is nothing more than back-biting. This is not how you speak about your cousin and sister-in-law. I think you need to take a serious look at yourself before you make posts like these. Extreme shyness is a major inhibator for some people. It's like blaming a man with a serious medical condition for not going out with you to do some excercise. Read about this subject. The Internet is vast. There are forums where extremely shy people express themselves. You can learn from them. Search for "social anxiety".

[Happyforever]

Wa Alikom AsSalam Wa Rahmatu Allah

She is shy, is it your judgement or all people around you think the same?

If all, then it's her character being shy. Not related to self confidence and maturity and it may even not shyness, I think she doesn't like to talk and doesn't like people talk to her.

It's not your Niqab and not your Niqab which makes you more righteous. In this, you did a mistake and you don't have right to judge who is more righteous, may it's she in front of Allah or may be in the future everything changes, who controls his future?! Say Al HamdliAllah

Your cousin is a good woman who doesn't like to communicate with people even you. As her sister if she has how she is with her, you may find the clue.


I was and I think I am still have something in her, I don't like to communicate and talk to people as long as they are not members of my family. Talking for talking could be not interested for some and when someone comes and nocks the door to talk, may feel sense of intervention and strange person wants to tease and annoy by saying useless boring words. You may felt that from her but this doesn't mean she is shy or bad, she just needs time to get used to her new life.

I have a sister-in-law who I believe wasn't supposed to be my sis in law because my brother was supposed to marry another Muslim girl

I think this is the most evil statement here, take care you try to cross the red line.

It's Nassib and they are married now so accept it and you have to. Please, don't try to make troubles and complain and repeat your wishes to have another sister in law. Don't ever never complain from her for not talking to you or for being shy or try to hint that you are more religious and wearing Niqab is better, it's a matter between her and her husband. Don't distort other people's life, search for other friends, it is not her duty to be your intimate friend. Don't annoy your brother and make him sad, they are at the beginning of their marriage, so don't be the bad one who is trying to corrupt it.
Sometimes sisters and mothers in law feel jealous of the brother's and son's wife. Don't be one of them with the allege of her shyness.
Finally be patient, sooner or later insha Allah she will give birth of a beautiful baby who will make her a different open woman and will be a good cause to talk and ask for help, a good beginning for a true friendship.

ربنا يبارك لهما في زواجهما ويرزقك بالزوج الصالح

[iMusliMariam]

Wa Alikom AsSalam Wa Rahmatu Allah

She is shy, is it your judgement or all people around you think the same?

If all, then it's her character being shy. Not related to self confidence and maturity and it may even not shyness, I think she doesn't like to talk and doesn't like people talk to her.

Salaam sister/brother in Islam,

Thank you and JazakAllahu khair for your sincere advice and frank comments

I believe that many people have told me in the past that she is an extremely shy girl, she even told me straight in the face that "I'm shy" a few days ago when I invited her to say salaam to some of my childhood friends. So she IS a very shy girl, though I don't understand why she has to be that way with a sister-in-law (me).

Allah knows best
JazakAllahu khair to you and everyone who commented in this thread for answering my questions, May Allah grant you all more knowledge of Islam and ability to teach others about the beautiful and only true religion Islam. Ameen.

[iMusliMariam]

Wa 'alaikum as-salamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

Your post is nothing more than back-biting. This is not how you speak about your cousin and sister-in-law. I think you need to take a serious look at yourself before you make posts like these. Extreme shyness is a major inhibator for some people.

Salaam brother Younus,

By posting this topic I did not intend to talk about my cousin and sis in law behind her back. There are two kinds of backbiting, the one that is haraam in which someone says for example "have you seen that dress she wore yesterday? she keeps wearing it every single day, she has no sense of style!' and allowed 'backbiting' where someone asks others, like some Sheikhs or Muslims who have more Islamic knowledge and eemaan, questions like "my husband does not go to the masjid everyday, is what he's doing ok or not?"

What I did in this topic was that of the latter where I only intended to seek advice, not to backbite. It's all about the intention. My intention was not to humiliate, but to inquire (sp?) ask questions about her, so that I can understand why my cousin and sis in law is so aloof and distant, when as a sister in law, she should be really close to me in that we do activities and projects together etc. but we can't have that kind of communication because she's not comfortable with me and neither am I comfortable with her. Allah knows best of course.

Anyway, JazakAllahu khair brother Younus and the others for answering my questions, May Allah bless all your forthcoming years with more good deeds that lead to Jannah/Heaven. Ameen.

[Happyforever]

Salaam sister/brother in Islam,

Thank you and JazakAllahu khair for your sincere advice and frank comments

I believe that many people have told me in the past that she is an extremely shy girl, she even told me straight in the face that "I'm shy" a few days ago when I invited her to say salaam to some of my childhood friends. So she IS a very shy girl, though I don't understand why she has to be that way with a sister-in-law (me).

Allah knows best
JazakAllahu khair to you and everyone who commented in this thread for answering my questions, May Allah grant you all more knowledge of Islam and ability to teach others about the beautiful and only true religion Islam. Ameen.

I was in that way and my sisters too. It couold be her nature or the way she is raised. It's not easy to communicate with her but if you really want, you have to be patient, ask her sister how to deal with her. Start with what she is interested in. She could be like a new cat entering your house and by time will deal and talk to all of you. It's my pleasure to introduce me to her.

All the best

[iMusliMariam]

I was in that way and my sisters too. It couold be her nature or the way she is raised. It's not easy to communicate with her but if you really want, you have to be patient, ask her sister how to deal with her. Start with what she is interested in. She could be like a new cat entering your house and by time will deal and talk to all of you. It's my pleasure to introduce me to her.

All the best

Allah knows best, sister in Islam I'm also thinking that her extremely shy personality and distant attitude with me could be due to her thinking that I wish I had a different sister in law who was more friendlier and had many things in common with me so that we could work with each other in Islamic activities, conducting Islamic circles/gatherings etc.
anyway, only Allah knows why He (Allah) destined that I live with a cousin and sister in law who is distant. It could be a chance for me to advise her on how to 'loosen up a bit', a chance for me to be more humble and minimize my 'ego', or even a chance to be trained how to remain quiet. I can imagine... if I had a sister in law who was as talkative and outgoing (though understanding, not outgoing in an immature way) as I am, I would spend more time talking, discussing, chit-chatting even through midnight like I often talked to a really close friend of mine back in Saudi Arabia on the phone.
Even my physical condition with my teeth is probably a way for me to avoid talking unnecessarily for reasons that only Allah knows. SubhanAllah.
Spending more time in saying adhkaarAllah is more than a zillion times better than chit-chatting.

Allah knows best Take care~

[iMusliMariam]

May Allah forgive all our sins and guide us Muslims to those deeds that will bring us close to Him (Allah) and His beloved Messenger Muhammad SallAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam in Jannah/Heaven. Ameen.

[Happyforever]

Allah knows best, sister in Islam I'm also thinking that her extremely shy personality and distant attitude with me could be due to her thinking that I wish I had a different sister in law who was more friendlier and had many things in common with me so that we could work with each other in Islamic activities, conducting Islamic circles/gatherings etc.
anyway, only Allah knows why He (Allah) destined that I live with a cousin and sister in law who is distant. It could be a chance for me to advise her on how to 'loosen up a bit', a chance for me to be more humble and minimize my 'ego', or even a chance to be trained how to remain quiet. I can imagine... if I had a sister in law who was as talkative and outgoing (though understanding, not outgoing in an immature way) as I am, I would spend more time talking, discussing, chit-chatting even through midnight like I often talked to a really close friend of mine back in Saudi Arabia on the phone.
Even my physical condition with my teeth is probably a way for me to avoid talking unnecessarily for reasons that only Allah knows. SubhanAllah.
Spending more time in saying adhkaarAllah is more than a zillion times better than chit-chatting.

Allah knows best Take care~

Allah grants you Firdaws

[Younes]

As-salamu 'alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

Actions are not solely by initial intentions. Take an example. Let's say you have wronged a friend and you want to go make up with him. You have the intention of making up. However, while you go to meet him, in the process you two end up fighting again due to you. Does this mean that you are excused? No. A lot of people initially have good intentions but they end up doing bad. Let's say you want to learn Qu'ran for Allah's sake. But along the way you start reciting it so that people will praise you for its recital. Or you want to become a scholar for Allah's sake but you end up liking the status that comes with it? Does this mean everybody is excused? I could write more examples but I hope you get the point.

Your post wasn't just about trying to solve a case.

I will show you what I mean:

I have a sister-in-law who I believe wasn't supposed to be my sis in law because my brother was supposed to marry another Muslim girl whose mom promised when we were kids that she (the Muslim girl) and my bro get married to each other in the future... but some things changed, so my bro had to marry our first cousin.

Is this information we really need to know in order to help you solve your case? Or is this part for the dramatic effect?

"And the funny thing is, she's one year older than me and seems to be a bit immature."

What is so funny here? I don't see the fun part?

"This sister in law and cousin of mine has no qualities of friendliness in my opinion. Yes I've been told many times that she is by nature very shy."

"Maybe it's because I'm a 'niqaabi' and she feels intimidated by my being more 'righteous' than her? Maybe it's because she's jealous of me for some reasons that only Allah knows?"

This last one is a dead giveaway that it is back-biting obviously fuelled by your evil suspicions.

(49:12). O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicion is sin. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother You would hate it. And have Taqwa of Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful.)

For the Tafsir of this verse read the following: http://www.qtafsir.c...1753&Itemid=105

Read your post again. Pay attention to the tone of your post. It is obvious back-biting. Your original post was not a simple: "My sister-in-law/cousin is shy thus we don't really get along".

Oviously you don't know the proper etiquette on how to write a post concerning sensitive issues such as these which deal with ones own relatives. You need to be more care how you talk about people. Asking advice does not mean you say everything and anything that has crossed your mind regarding the person whom you are asking advice.

[SaracenSoldier]

I think you should be easy with the sister. No one knows what the sister might have gone through her life. Also remember that shyness is a branch of Iman. She has left her family and her home and so maybe it will take her some time to get used to being around new people.

[abdullahfath]

As-salamu 'alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

Actions are not solely by initial intentions. Take an example. Let's say you have wronged a friend and you want to go make up with him. You have the intention of making up. However, while you go to meet him, in the process you two end up fighting again due to you. Does this mean that you are excused? No. A lot of people initially have good intentions but they end up doing bad. Let's say you want to learn Qu'ran for Allah's sake. But along the way you start reciting it so that people will praise you for its recital. Or you want to become a scholar for Allah's sake but you end up liking the status that comes with it? Does this mean everybody is excused? I could write more examples but I hope you get the point.

Your post wasn't just about trying to solve a case.

I will show you what I mean:

I have a sister-in-law who I believe wasn't supposed to be my sis in law because my brother was supposed to marry another Muslim girl whose mom promised when we were kids that she (the Muslim girl) and my bro get married to each other in the future... but some things changed, so my bro had to marry our first cousin.

Is this information we really need to know in order to help you solve your case? Or is this part for the dramatic effect?

"And the funny thing is, she's one year older than me and seems to be a bit immature."

What is so funny here? I don't see the fun part?

"This sister in law and cousin of mine has no qualities of friendliness in my opinion. Yes I've been told many times that she is by nature very shy."

"Maybe it's because I'm a 'niqaabi' and she feels intimidated by my being more 'righteous' than her? Maybe it's because she's jealous of me for some reasons that only Allah knows?"

This last one is a dead giveaway that it is back-biting obviously fuelled by your evil suspicions.

(49:12). O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicion is sin. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother You would hate it. And have Taqwa of Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful.)

For the Tafsir of this verse read the following: http://www.qtafsir.c...1753&Itemid=105

Read your post again. Pay attention to the tone of your post. It is obvious back-biting. Your original post was not a simple: "My sister-in-law/cousin is shy thus we don't really get along".

Oviously you don't know the proper etiquette on how to write a post concerning sensitive issues such as these which deal with ones own relatives. You need to be more care how you talk about people. Asking advice does not mean you say everything and anything that has crossed your mind regarding the person whom you are asking advice.

While the one about being more righteous might be backbiting the rest sounds simply like an American talking. Sounds like a misunderstanding of cultural differences on that point

[Younes]

While the one about being more righteous might be backbiting the rest sounds simply like an American talking. Sounds like a misunderstanding of cultural differences on that point

As-salamu 'alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh

In some cultures it is normal to backbite. I would say that in most societies backbiting happens even without people noticing it!

"It was asked, `O Allah's Messenger! What is backbiting' He said,

«ذِكْرُكَ أَخَاكَ بِمَا يَكْرَه»

(Mentioning about your brother in a manner that he dislikes.) He was asked, `What if my brother was as I mentioned' He said,

«إِنْ كَانَ فِيهِ مَا تَقُولُ فَقَدِ اغْتَبْتَهُ، وَإِنْ لَمْ يَكُنْ فِيهِ مَا تَقُولُ فَقَدْ بَهَتَّه»

(If he was as you mentioned, you will have committed backbiting. But if he was not as you say about him, you will have falsely accused him.)''

http://www.qtafsir.c...1753&Itemid=105

Backbiting is easy because after all you are not lying!

[abdullahfath]

see what I mean? You are not understanding what I am saying even thus proving my point for me.

I have noticed this more and more. A lot of individuals ( including those from Europe ) do not understand how people from the states communicate and they mistake some comments as being ill-willed when in truth it is just how one talks. I get what you are saying and I am not talking about back biting. I am talking about the extra information, this is a common way of telling things in the states. It has nothing to do with backbiting. But, in order to make you understand what I am saying I had to break down what I was saying for you. Make sense now?

[Younes]

As-salamu 'alaikum

I don't misunderstand what you are saying. I just disagree with it. If that's how people talk in the States, i.e. don't choose their words carefully and thus end up backbiting, that's too bad. Like I said, the point is not whether it is ill-willed or not. Most back-biters think they are simply relaying information, i.e. saying the truth about their brother like the Hadith hints at. Backbiting does not necessarily mean that you do it with malicious intent. Some people don't backbite out of ill-will. They do it because they don't watch their tongue, i.e. they end up doing it like I explained. In Islam we have a concept of guarding the tongue. Telling extra information is not bad in itself - if you do it in a careful, considerate manner. But when you don't watch your language and do it in an appropriate manner, it does not matter if you are from the US, Europe, Asia or another place.

[abdullahfath]

so you choose what is an inappropriate manner now? sounds like shirk to me? careful 'bout playing judge

[Younes]

so you choose what is an inappropriate manner now? sounds like shirk to me? careful 'bout playing judge

Shirk? Stop being ridiculous.

As a matter of fact, in this case Allah is not the only who has a say. It would be the person who was backbited. That's why backbiting is such a disasterous sin. When it comes to other sins, they are between you and Allah, and Allah is very forgiving while a lot of people are not that forgiving. May Allah forgive and cover our sins.

I will end this discussion with two hard quotes:

"Beware of backbiting, for backbiting is more serious than adultery. A man may commit adultery, and drink [wine], and then repent, and Allah will forgive him. But, the backbiter will not be forgiven by Allah until his [backbited] companion forgives him." [Suyuti, Al-Jami` as-Saghir, 1/174, #2919, from Ibn Abid-Dunya, and Abush-Shaykh, Al-Tawbikh.]

What is backbiting:

"Your mentioning your brother with something about him that he dislikes [being spoken about]."
Someone asked, "How about if my brother contains that [characteristic which I am mentioning]?"
He replied, "If he possesses that which you mention, then you have [indeed] backbited him. And, if he does not contain that which you say, then you have slandered him." [Muslim in al-Birr, 4/2001, #70; Ahmad in Al-Musnad, 2/230,384]