I'm new to this forum and new to Islam as a whole. I said my shahada on Christmas Even 2010 lol. So since saying my shahada which I believe in my heart and soul I have been studying and learning about the details of the religion and I'm feeling a little bit discouraged. I live in Canada (considered the West) and I am a woman and a lot of rules and regulations and what is considered haram is taking a toll on me guys. Everything seems so strict and I'm scared that I can't/won't be good enough. I understand dressing modestly and I even respect that and the reason behind it and I can wrap my head/hair (I don't have a problem with that). I can dress modestly and cover my chest and make sure my pants are loose and buttocks covered but I'm having a hard time with the thought of wearing the veil or the complete hijab covering my neck or wearing like a long loose fitting dress just to cover all curves. The rules at this point almost seem oppressive even though I fully understand why women should be dressed modestly. Not wearing perfume, not plucking eyebrows or wearing makeup, NOT WEARING HEELS because haram women used to wear them and we should differentiate but guys it's too much I feel and it's making me feel discouraged a little bit. I feel like everything is sin. I'm even willing to give up my wigs and weaves (I'm african american and these things are HUGE in our culture) but a lot of the other rules just feel too restricting. I understand that we are too precious to be displayed but it isn't fair that if a man is attracted to us we are an adulteress. You could follow all these rules and still attract men because you have a pretty face, then what? Trust me when I say I understood the dressing because we are precious so I will cover up everything modestly but I feel like you are not even allowed to be fashionable. Couldn't wear those nice fashion waist belts because they show the curves and that is forbidden. I know I can choose to not follow this aspect but then I will feel like a failure as a muslim and there are so many hadiths saying if you don't do this, if you don't do that then you will inherit the fire. I remember reading those that wear the heels or pluck the eyebrows like the prostitutes will be beside them on judgement day. Is Allah that unfair that even if I did my prayers 5 times a day, paid my alms, did my trip to hajj and did my fast during ramadan that I would inherit the fire because I plucked my eyebrows and wore heels? This is the biggest challenge of new converts and to be honest at times I have felt like, "what's the point?" Or I've felt like I'm going to inherit the fire no matter how much I pray, fast and pay zakat. What if I just wear a headscarf but don't cover my neck? It's seeming really hard guys. No perfume?? How come men can't try harder to to resist? It always falls on the women to "be better". I probably sound like a big baby but it's just not fair.
What else? I've read different opinions on this but I am a singer and some say Islam forbids singing or music with musical interests. Music in itself is culture and brings to people together, how it can it be haram? I know music which promotes sex and violence are haram and I get that but music as a whole? God gave me an amazing talent, are you telling me I was given this talent to ignore it? It doesn't make sense to me. Music has been a part of my life since I was a child. It means the world to me. I just don't understand that and feel so sad because I love music and singing. Singing touches people's hearts. I've touched people's hearts by singing. My mom had a long 5 hr drive in a crazy snowstorm and she told me what got her through it was imagining me sitting beside her singing. It got her through, how is this haram? And if I don't give it up I'm going to an inmate of the hellfire? Do guys see what I'm saying? I feel so discouraged which is so different from how I felt when I read the Qu'ran. I love the Qu'ran with all my heart. But the details are so hard for me.
The things I can do without complaining are no alcohol, no weed, no fornication or masturbation, obscene language (all of which I used to partake in)...I understand and can refrain from doing those things but some of the other things are so hard. I read that Islam forbids women from living alone or travelling without a mahram. Both of my parents live out of the province I reside in and so yes I lived on my own for 4 years, is this haram? Am I going to hell. The requirement to not go anywhere without a mahram is a sweet gesture but is unrealistic in my life. Am I sinning then?
My sister is a lesbian. I don't NOT hang out with people who are gay, I see the heart. Am I not supposed to talk to her or hang around her? I may not believe in her lifestyle but she is my sister. This is all so hard but the hardest part is I feel like if I don't follow these rules I will go to hell which is saddens me to no end. I became a part of this religion because I wanted to know my God and I wanted him to know that HE is the only one I want to return. Does anyone else feel the same? Convert or long practicing Muslim? I want to go back to the place where I loved this religion. A place where I believed Allah was merficul, just and forgiving. I can't help but feel these days that he's kind of mean. Allah forgive me for even saying that. But there are so many little things that you can be thrown in Hell for, I'm feeling like what's the point then? Ughh :*(