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ahm

Marriage Worries

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:D Br Rahim. It was most useful.

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You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose your spouse. Why do people think I'm looking for "perfect"? I just stated things I do not want. I'm not perfect but I'm not expecting things from her that I do not expect from myself, e.g. - I am a virgin, I haven't had a girlfriend, I don't talk on the phone to girls, is it too much to expect similar abstinance from her?

 

Does this sound like perfect to you? Age xyz, religious and intelligent, and not too thin or larger than XYZ, no health issues. Again I'm not asking for something that I'm not. Sisters may have a height requirement, I have a larger/fatter than XYZ requirement.

 

If she's smarter than me I'll obey her LOL

 

Nothings going to happen sitting on your behind. You have to network. Yes make dua, but go and look as well.

 

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...and I can cook, clean and sew aswell. So I'm being fair in her at least being able to cook. Obviously that's not a major thing, I can teach her.

 

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Maybe it looks like ur looking for perfect 'cos ur requirements r so detailed. :D Make it look like u aint expecting much...dunno how u could do that right now but...if u could some how make ur list shorter..........

 

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Yes I get that alot. Attentian to detail and it's taken the wrong way [at]_[at]

 

 

Thing is I do check to see if she's weaker in one area, maybe she's better in another. Say she knows a LOT of quran, then obvioulsy other issues become minor.

 

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Yes I get that alot. Attentian to detail and it's taken the wrong way [at]_[at]

 

So you know what to do then...make yourself look like you dont have so many demands, or else people will be put off if they see you as a person with endless requirements that have to be met.

 

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Edited by sis Qassab

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salaam

 

Brother...I think you have a specific kind of girl in mind, dare I say a 'dream girl', which has most of your requirements....There is nothing wrong in setting a certain standard, but I think the most important thing is compatibility.....someone who has similar interests and believes as you, I think you will know when you have met the right person, as both off you will click straight away...

 

Anyway, my cousin says to me, the ideal girl is someone who is simple and who will not nag you....LOL....I wonder how true is that

 

ma sallam

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Bro Ahm, I still do think you are having trouble finding a wife, even though your not having trouble finding a potential wife, they all have potential until you tick something off that list of yours. Ok, so its not an easy thing to find your life partner, I will probably fully realise that soon enough, but I still think your not making it any easier on yourself.

Here is what I think of you list

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1. She talks on the phone a lot to men (and women). ------fair enough, but are you willing to allow her to change?

2. She keeps friends with men and socialises with them.------same as above

3. She has a past and lies about it. She is not a virgin. Or She is a virgin but was in a relationship, msn/mobile phone etc.----------I think this comes down to are you willing to accept that she may be very regretful about that and wish it had never happened?

4. She is antagonistic, no respect or manners.---------- Fair comment, I agree I wouldnt want this

5. She does not obey me.--------To what extent? and how will you really know this before you get married?

6. She does not folloy my Islamic opinion (I don't mean madhab) e.g she won't hold hands because she will lose wudu. --------This is your opinion, I have no comment

7. She is like a stick, no womanly curves and no erm..."chest".------Again how would you know she has no "chest" before you marry her, and are you marry her or her breasts, Typical.

8. She has muscular arms and legs, looks masculine.---------If you really did like this person you'd be able to see past it.

9. She is psycho, has some mental issues, is violent, TURBO PMS, crys over silly things (e.g. printer not working). --------LOL, how do you come up with this stuff(too much free time?)

10. She is not sunshine and rainbow, but gloomy weather------Sunshine and rainbow?

11. She will ask for large dowery, expensive clothes, hello big wedding (goodbye hajj). -------goodbye lady.

12. Me having to dress up and be the centre of attention at a wedding, be looked at by everyone.--------I'd hate that too

13. Have my proposal rejected because of what some members of my family do or have done.--------well thats up to her, and while you wouldnt like to be judged by your family, would you or they do that to her?

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Well thats what I think of your list. My honest advice to you and hopefully to myself aswell, is keep doing what you're doing with regards to looking, but try to just keep an open mind you might find something where you least expect to. Stop worrying about what your wife should be like "on paper", and just go with your feelings and instinct, if you feel something good about someone pray istikhara, I really honestly believe you'll find guidance from it.

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ahm: now that I see where you're coming from, i think your list is okay. I mean at first, i had the same responses as Leila, but after thining about it, and seeing the last few posts you posted, I think its pretty good.

 

I mean, I guess I have a list of things I don't want either...I just never typed it up....so i don't want to be a hypocrite...

 

anyways, like i said before, i'll try to keep you in my dua's..

 

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Before I begin, I must say that the behaviour below I have seen first hand regularly, through family, relatives and friends. And it's stuff that I don't do or haven't done.

 

1. She talks on the phone a lot to men (and women). ------fair enough, but are you willing to allow her to change?

No. If someone is doing that before marriage, then it's something wrong with their character.

 

2. She keeps friends with men and socialises with them.------same as above

No. If she does this then she is not a potential, and it hints to 3.

 

3. She has a past and lies about it. She is not a virgin. Or She is a virgin but was in a relationship, msn/mobile phone etc.----------I think this comes down to are you willing to accept that she may be very regretful about that and wish it had never happened? 

No. This is very messy. 1 - 3 are related. I've kept myself for my future wife, I expect the same.

 

4. She is antagonistic, no respect or manners.---------- Fair comment, I agree I wouldnt want this

Someone who is rude to their parents and family, thus after she gets to know the husband the same behaviour will arise. That's my theory.

 

5. She does not obey me.--------To what extent? and how will you really know this before you get married?

I'm not exactly going to ask her to bad, unislamic things. If she has a talent in a certain area I'd say do this course and get certified. Aswell as basic stuff like what food I like, not leave the house without permission and to stay away from certain people in my family LOL

 

6. She does not folloy my Islamic opinion (I don't mean madhab) e.g she won't hold hands because she will lose wudu. --------This is your opinion, I have no comment

Avoids arguments and bitterness, peace in the household. You see heated debates in forums, I don't want that in my house.

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7. She is like a stick, no womanly curves and no erm..."chest".------Again how would you know she has no "chest" before you marry her, and are you marry her or her breasts, Typical.

*cough* I want to marry both. It should be part of the package. If I had no responsibilities then it's easy, you go for the prettiest woman. But I have Islam, future kids, society and the Ummah at large, so a religious and intelligent woman first who is attractive enough for me. That's one of the rights of marriage, you get to look at the bride/groom before marriage. I wouldn't give my daughter in marriage to a man she found unnattractive. I don't follow the literalist opinion which allows to see EVERYTHING of a woman before you marry her. I think I might just write a note (clothing order form?) and she answers the questions on that, when we meet. I do not wish my judgement to be clouded by beauty, so I avoid seeing a sister until the character checks out. I don't wish to see a photo either, cause when you say no, then it's like "you are ugly" to the sister. If when meeting and I didn't find her attractive enough, I'd ask a serioius of questions with no right answers and then just say we are not compatible.

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8. She has muscular arms and legs, looks masculine.---------If you really did like this person you'd be able to see past it.

That's the thing. You just got married. You don't like her or love her, you're scared to go near her [at]_[at] Again related to 7.

 

9. She is psycho, has some mental issues, is violent, TURBO PMS, crys over silly things (e.g. printer not working). --------LOL, how do you come up with this stuff(too much free time?)

Seen it first hand. I know not all women are like this, seen that first hand. My main concern is that she beats up our kids.

 

10. She is not sunshine and rainbow, but gloomy weather------Sunshine and rainbow?

Too much Naruto [at]_[at] Hard to explain. In the real world, I'm like my avator. Or um... like the younger relatives and friends, have problems they talk to me, they feel better. They tell me secrets I wish they kept to themselves LOL Or like you're everyone's best friend but who's your best friend? Yes I know, getting married it not an end in itself, but it's a great help in life.

 

11. She will ask for large dowery, expensive clothes, hello big wedding (goodbye hajj). -------goodbye lady.

She is the weakest link.

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12. Me having to dress up and be the centre of attention at a wedding, be looked at by everyone.--------I'd hate that too

I should ask if you need to be present at the walima or can you give money and have it done in another country on your behalf like Qurbani/khafarat.

 

13. Have my proposal rejected because of what some members of my family do or have done.--------well thats up to her, and while you wouldnt like to be judged by your family, would you or they do that to her?

With my family and relatives, who am I to judge her based on her family? I don't care about her family, apart from health aspects of course. Because of 13. I have to get a move on as I expect a lot of rejections on the way. I've approached about 13/14 people so far to help me look.

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For some reason I think we are off topic...

 

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WHy all this worry [or thinking time :D] brother?? I remember when my friends and I used to make a long list of the kinda man we want to marry. It was over 4 (A4) pages each and we still had more to add. Anyhow when it came to actual marriage, I had no intention of marryig my husband, and yet we ended up getting married willingly. If i look up against the list i'd drawn up in uni against my husband, i doubt if he'd fullfill one page of that list, but I know there isnt better man out there for me than my husband alhamdulilaah. You just cant control Qadr of Allah. Regardless, what was meant to happen will happen regardless of what you want.

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Mines not that long. It's just a parapgraph.

 

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Guest UnderCover_Brother

Assalamu'Alikum,

 

Akhie...you will get who you deserve...Finito of Stress!!

 

Wa'Salam.

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It's not exactly going to fall out of the sky.

 

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Guest UnderCover_Brother

Assalamu'Alikum,

 

Akhie i never said "it"/SHE would, did i?

You need to search...however your very much looking for something you will never realy know, Allahu'Alom. You just have to TRUST people!!

 

Fee Amanillah,

Wa'Salam.

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You know ahm, my dad asked my mum (actually my grandpa did) for measurements for a new clothes. Lol she says she was naive but cracks up now when dad admits, he just wanted the info :D

 

K nothing productive to add...duas as usual bro.

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:D I had the same idea...

 

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Hmmm, this is tough brother. I'm seeing where you're coming from but I really dont know how to help you, wish I could though. Ok, so you have people in mind who can kinda sus out the potential bride on your behalf. Make sure you get someone who will understand all your requirements without any judgement or subjectivity (so basically it cant be anyone like me). What I mean is make sure the person who you are asking to check out these sisters will just go by what you ask of them, I know I couldnt do that, I would be like he says he wants this but he doesnt really know so dont worry about it. That would be a bad thing in your case. I think, as far as I can tell, really trust the person who will be interacting with the sisters on your behalf, and yeah make sure they understand you very well so they can get the clearest and most precise picture possible to report back to you. Sometimes family members etc have an image of us that isnt the most accurate, they will go looking for what they think is right, but they dont have the whole picture.

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Make sure you get someone who will understand all your requirements without any judgement or subjectivity (so basically it cant be anyone like me). What I mean is make sure the person who you are asking to check out these sisters will just go by what you ask of them,

 

You are right. However I lack the relative who I trust 100%. In fact this whole busness is about seeking the one who I can be 100% with LOL Basically it means writing stuff down for them and planning and training sessions LOL

 

Sometimes family members etc have an image of us that isnt the most accurate,

 

True. Even your parents may not know you. The worst are relatives who you see x times in a year and get so judgemental. There was one relative I used to see, and by some coincidence every time I saw him I had something on my face, food whatever. So one day I made sure to check I was cleaned up, so cleaned/wiped my face, however I ended up with bits of thread over my face - which I didn't realise until the relative pointed it out (doh!).

 

Regarding physique:

1. Anorexic

2. Underweight

3. Slim

4. Curvaceous

5. Buxom

6. Overweight

7. Obese.

 

I'm looking for 3,4,5 or 6, that's not too demanding is it?

 

:D

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