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No Pleasing My Parents

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Salam,

 

Yes, another marriage thread, sorry about this I'm not one to dwell on this as much as most here but I cannot ignore the situation I'm in.

 

I had a proposal from a family friend, who we have known for years (before I was even born). The guy is very decent, practising and 'good' personality (I put the word good in quotation marks because I'm using the word very loosely, and everyone's interpretation is different), my parents love him.

 

Problem? I'm not attracted to him.. physically, at all. I simply cannot look past that, just at his personality, I just can't. Also, he's too perfect.. personality-wise, I wouldn't know how to explain this to you since it's doesnt quite make sense in my own head.. but all I know is just I cannot imagine having a 'fun' married life being with him. Just the thought of being married to him makes me stomach turn (and not in a good way).

 

Ever since I told my parents what I think, they've practically stopped talking to me.. there's so much tension in my house, I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I hate them (the guy and his mum) for doing this.

 

I feel like crap.

 

Please help.

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salaam

 

It is very sad to hear that you parents are behaving like this.....if you dont' like this guy, this should be end of story. Your parents should not behave like this and nor should the guy or his family have any animosity towards you or your parents.

 

Also sister have patient with your parents, they will overcome this sooner rather than later

 

ma sallam

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salaam

 

sister, I am a bit confused, in another thread you mention about your husband, where you married or what, I am bit lost

 

"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_forums.gawaher(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/index.php?showtopic=13726"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_forums.gawaher(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/index.php?showtopic=13726[/url]

 

ws

Edited by Rahim

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:D

 

What your saying makes total sense to me. Just because he is a good guy, doesnt mean he's the right guy. There are many good, practising muslim men out there, but there hardly all the right one for you or me or whatever, you get the point. If we could just be with anyone everyone would want the same person or types of people. Don't feel bad that your not feeling anything for him, but who know your heart may change, hard to believe right now but it might. Or it might now, if its meant to be it will work out if not, then alhumdulilah either way. Remind your parents of this, Only Allah hu Ta'ala truly knows whats best for you, even they dont have all the answers.

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:D

 

Rahim, an a female who wishes to remain anonymous can post as just 'female.' That's why you get 10,000 'females' but they're all different ppl. Same with 'male.'

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:D

 

Ok, well i dont expect everyone to agree with my proposed (no pun intended) solutions, but its simply what i think.

 

 

2 things.

 

 

1. Will the tension subside? If it does, let it do exactly that, and just wait.

 

2. Take the whole house down, leave nobody alive, what i mean by that is, your parents shouldnt blank you just because you dont agree with your opinion, i mean its your choice i dont see why other people should make one of the most important decision in your life so difficult? its just not fair.

 

Go and explain, go full on intellectual, you dont like him, you dont want to marry him, for X Y Z reason, and its not fair you give me silent treatment just because im expressing my right for free choice in marrige.

 

Sorry sister not everything can work out peacefully.

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:D

 

Rahim, an a female who wishes to remain anonymous can post as just 'female.' That's why you get 10,000 'females' but they're all different ppl. Same with 'male.'

 

I wish I had known that a few posts ago!!! :D

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Problem? I'm not attracted to him.. physically, at all. I simply cannot look past that, just at his personality, I just can't. Also, he's too perfect.. personality-wise, I wouldn't know how to explain this to you since it's doesnt quite make sense in my own head.. but all I know is just I cannot imagine having a 'fun' married life being with him. Just the thought of being married to him makes me stomach turn (and not in a good way).

 

Ever since I told my parents what I think, they've practically stopped talking to me.. there's so much tension in my house, I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I hate them (the guy and his mum) for doing this.

 

 

My counsel, is if you don't find him attractive then don't accept his proposal. Of course don't be a b*tch about it either.. some men cannot take rejection (especially where they feel they have "lost face"). There are many instances of women being physically attacked, disadvantaged, or harrassed by men after they have rejected them. There are "nice" ways to reject someone as well as "horrible" ways.. and though its by no means a guarantee of how the rejected will respond, the "nice" way is more likely to get you what you want (him not pursuing you) while not making your life hell.

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:D Sister

 

Salam,

 

Yes, another marriage thread, sorry about this I'm not one to dwell on this as much as most here but I cannot ignore the situation I'm in.

 

I had a proposal from a family friend, who we have known for years (before I was even born). The guy is very decent, practising and 'good' personality (I put the word good in quotation marks because I'm using the word very loosely, and everyone's interpretation is different), my parents love him.

 

Problem? I'm not attracted to him.. physically, at all. I simply cannot look past that, just at his personality, I just can't. Also, he's too perfect.. personality-wise, I wouldn't know how to explain this to you since it's doesnt quite make sense in my own head.. but all I know is just I cannot imagine having a 'fun' married life being with him. Just the thought of being married to him makes me stomach turn (and not in a good way).

 

Ever since I told my parents what I think, they've practically stopped talking to me.. there's so much tension in my house, I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I hate them (the guy and his mum) for doing this.

 

I feel like crap.

 

Please help.

 

Trust your instinct.

 

You do not have to marry this man. If you are not attracted to him do not marry him.

 

Be patient with your parents and talk to your mum quietly and softly about the situation. Tell her that you only wish you felt that you could marry the man but you cannot, show regret but do not change your mind.

 

Do not hate the man and his mum, they are only asking, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

The tension will pass, it just feels like it will not at the moment.

 

Peace

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Assalamu walikum,

 

I am quite disappointed actually to see so many people supporting this sister to avoid this marriage proposal just because he's not good looking and she's not attracted to him. I thought there would be at least one person whom would mention that looks can be overcome or something. I am speaking from experience.

 

Think about this: If you were so ugly, or so unattractive that handful of men rejected you because of this, how would you feel, and what would you pray for?

I know I would want the other person to see my inner beauty before judging me. If this brother is a good, practising Muslim and has a good personality, then would this not be enough to live with?

I am also disappointed by this sister saying "Just the thought of being married to him makes me stomach turn (and not in a good way)." Is he really THAT bad? Its kinda sad when you can't look past the looks. I mean, has he got three eyes? or maybe 4 noses? oh let me guess, he's got 2 heads? Please tell me why you think he is so revolting.

 

I advise my brothers' never to reject a person because of the way they look because it would hurt them if it happened to them. Also, every human being is Allah's creation and should be treated equally regardless of looks, wealth and name. I pray nobody in my family rejects someone like this, you should look for something other than this reason to reject this brother.

In my opinion you should look for the important things first, things that will matter in life, and learn to compromise the little details. To have a successful relationship looks aren't always important. Insha'Allah you will be able to have a loving relationship with your life long partner if he has a pure, kind heart. Shouldn't that be the most important thing?

 

Sorry for my bluntness, maybe some people would disagree with me. I don't agree with the way your parents are going about it, and I am sorry your family life is being affected because of your decision. I pray that all will settle Insha'Allah soon. I am sure your parents will be okay with time, they probably just had their hopes up too high.

 

With all my dua,

Assalamu walikum,

Your Muslim Sister. :D

 

P.s. Please don't mind for my words, I just tell you my opinion, whats in my heart. :D

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Assalam-ul-Alaikum,

 

Just the thought of being married to him makes me stomach turn (and not in a good way).

 

May I ask in what sense are you not attracted to him? Is it because he's ugly or because you think of him as someone like an older 'brother' (becuase you've known him as a family friend for so long)? Just thought I'd ask.

 

The guy is very decent, practising and 'good' personality...Also, he's too perfect.. personality-wise

 

Sounds like Prince Charming. :D Don't send him packing just because you're not "attracted" to him! You can't have it all! It's very difficult to find decent guys in this world. Have you considered you might feel might about him later on? I say, give him a chance.

 

But in the end, the choice is yours. This is your life, so do whatever you feel is right.

 

Good luck sis and I hope your relationship with your parents improves very soon.

Edited by Muezza

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:D

 

Sister Eli, looks are not everything but its important that the sister is satsified at least someway to his physical appreance.

 

The prophet s.a.w told one man to look at his prospective bride before asking her hand in marriage, incase he later found out that he was not attracted to her.

 

one woman also asked the prophet s.a.w if she could divorce her husband as she disliked his apprenace and the prophet s.a.w said yes.

 

if sister 'female' finds this man unattractive and feels like she cannot stand his looks, then maybe she should not marry him. Its better that she like him, then married him and later still finds herself not attracted to him and maybe unfortanly looking at other men.

 

its not fair on herself if she marries this man to please other people. She must be pleased with him herself first.

 

Allah s.w.t guidance is always needed so the best thing is to pray istrakrah as others have mentioned and make dua as to make the right descions.

 

Sister female: Whatever you do, inshallah i hope you make the right descion. Dont give in to pressure- easier said then done i know, but be happy with the descions you make and dont make them just to please the family. As i said, make dua to Allah. You may find yourself being attracted to this man later- or maybe not. Either way, ask for Allah s.w.t, cos its only Allah that can truly give you the answer and help that you need.

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Things with my parents are better now alhamdulAllah. Mum informed the lady and her son of my decision, and their own, only a few days after the official 'proposal'.

 

Did I mention my mum's dreams? I don't think so, I was in a hurry when I posted this topic. ANyways, she's had several dreams about the guy and I, signs that we're meant to be together, our engagement and mum telling other members of our family of our engagement. Many, many dreams. And that's the only reason why she is so keen, and probably quite upset when I told her no. But why is she the one having all these dreams? Why not me? This is my life.. right? If they're so convinced that this guy is perfect for me, why am I feeling the way I am? It doesn't make sense.

 

And to the sister who gave me the long post about 'looks', I never said he was ugly, I simply said I personally don't find him attractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who would find him very handsome, I'm not one of them. There might be many guys out there who may not find me attractive, so what? Everyone has different tastes. As long as my future husband finds me attractive, I couldn't care less about anyone else's opinions (regarding my looks). Don't worry, your words needn't be 'minded'.

 

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I'll try to keep you updated.

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