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My sister wants to marry a guy, a converted Muslim, who's really nice. However, my parents (especially my mum) don't want her to marry him, since us being Bengalis, she doesn't want her marrying a white guy. My sister who really hates racism got really pissed off at my parents for being so blatantly racist, and after a huge row, my mum after weeks of silence told her she could marry him, but my mum started having bouts of uncontrollabl rage and a lot of depression, but my sister is really in love with this guy. The main reason my mum doesnt want her to marry him is because our grandparents will become really upset, but my sister keeps saying that Allah gave her the right to choose, and because Allah decides who she marrys that my parents shouldnt be so upset.

 

My question is, who is right? It is true that my parents are doing the wrong thing by being racist, but my sister is making my parents upset which is also bad. I know many of the bengali guys who live around here and most are really bad and sinful, and this guy is pretty strong muslim, and he is learning more about our culture.

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ÈöÓúãö Çááåö ÇáÑøóÍúãäö ÇáÑøóÍöíãö

 

Assalamu Alaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu,

 

Marrying a converted Muslim in traditional Bengali families is most of the time a very difficult thing. Especially since your parents will worry what your grandparents and others will say, because no doubt there will be a lot of talk and a matter of pride, name and shame is involved.

 

It’s great to know that your sister does not follow the same train of thought, but to get angry at your parents and have a huge row will not help matters. You and sister should know very well that your parents won’t like this, regardless of what they say and do you have to deal with them in a respectful manner. They have lived their whole lives like this, you cannot possibly expect them to accept it just like that, as much as what they are doing and rejecting is wrong. They have been brought up this way, with this mentality. Your parents are the ones that will feel the impact, even though there’s nothing wrong with what your sister wants, they will be the ones that will deal with the endless people that may ask and make comments and your sister won’t feel much of that. You have to give them time to adjust and in the meantime not take what they say or do to heart, sometimes they come round and sometimes they don’t. It may be that they accept because of how adamant your sister is, but will never truly see him as their son in law. Your sister could sit down and calmly speak with your mother, let your mother have her say because I’m sure it’s not pleasant to see her in such a state. Just give it time and insha’Allah things will ease.

 

There is a right and wrong to both sides in its own way, one side is that your sister could let go for the sake of your parents and the other is that your parents could accept her wishes. We cannot say what is right or wrong, that is not for us to judge. It would have been best that your sister prayed Salatul Istikharah before making her move because then she would have known what step was best to take and would have full confidence in it and you would have too. She would have known if this was something she is meant to fight for or let go. Or maybe she has done it, do you know?

 

Wa Alaikum Mus Salam Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu

Edited by Peacemaker

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:sl:

 

I second sis Peacemaker's post!

 

I advice your sister to avoid rows as much as possible, even if she is right. Use the right tools to calm the situation down and achieve her aim in the best manner possible. Ofcourse, your parents may be reluctant about the marriage at this moment, but with time they will get used to it and people's "talk" about her marriage will wean down too. Ask your sister to be a little more lenient with your mum - hold her hands - assure her that everything will be ok. Gentleness goes a long way; but this doesn't mean she is giving up on marrying the man she wants to because we are adviced to marry the person with good character and deen - but at the same time one should show a level of Mercy on parents. Also, I'm sure she doesn't want to hold the impression that her potential spouse is a bad influence - that this whole marriage thing is causing rows in the family. If she wishes to marry for the sake of Allah, she should also do everything else for Allah's sake. Kindness and gentleness, avoiding rows, may win her mother's heart and it could be better for her future husband as he may be seen as someone who influences your sister positively. Try that out and Inshaa'Allah things settle down. Time heals and so do relationships.

 

Salaam

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salaam

 

 

 

Fear Allah how can you even begin to agree even for a second with someone who is racist. Are you joking me such people will never smell the fragments of heaven, seriously if that was me the first thing I would be worried about is my parents destiny this seems to me that your parents' Islam is just a pure culture, trust me

A heart full of racism, prejudice and pride can't combine with Islam no way. You are kidding your self. The fact two replies were made before also agreeing with this makes me sick! What they even included bits of Islamic solutions to it. WHERE IS THE FOUNTION????????? Ask your self what kind of Islam do you have????

 

Subhanallah wise up people you live in non Muslim country which imposes equal rights as it recognises that such behaviour is one of arrogances, you live among non Muslims people where the majority such ideas would never cross their minds and there is you claiming a Muslim yet you don't even feel ashamed to post that more over you ask which is right. Now all I could see is I am deeply shocked and completely embarrassed to the bone that I have sisters and brothers of such kind. I can no longer even express my point of view on paper as I words are not enough. I urge you and your other to think in an intellectual human way.

 

 

"And he is learning more and more of our culture"

 

What kind of a sentence is that? Silly, silly and silly, Words. Why on earth would he want a culture full of rubbish (like racism) that is far from Islam but even inhuman.

 

This country feed you, sheltered you and more over provided you an embracing community of nice people, regardless of your culture and colour, and in middle of that you today stand to reject a relationship with your fellow citizen just because of his colour. That is no Islam I'll tell you that now.

 

 

I can't believe that I once thought it was down to the parents believing that intercultural marriages won't work out as it will include lots of clashes. If you'd said that I would have understood because it's my parents' idea of intercultural marriages. Even with that I would have said be patient but never the plan to marry.

 

My username is nawal, and so if anyone is offended by me you're welcome to pm me for further discussion on it.

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Salaam,

Sis Nawal, with all due respect, I don't see anything wrong with the first two replies! I was shocked by your reply.

 

In the replies, I hear a tone of understanding and one of respect for the parents, NOT one that supports racism.

 

Perhaps you misunderstood the intention of the two posters. I did not hear either saying that they agree with someone who is racist. I think they are bearing in mind the Islamic treatment of parents and that it's a situation that needs delicate care.

 

Are you expecting her to say to her parents, "I don't care what you want, this is what I want" and for her to go off lose a relationship with them, their beautiful suplications and all? That's unislaimic. In the end of it all, her parents are her parents and she can not afford to lose them. This is not to say she should not pursue the matter.

 

Patience is key and that's what the posters above said. Through calm discussions, patience, gentleness, kindness, those are the ways to go with this. All routes of good must be exhausted before one says that it's not working and they are not giving in. For parents to accept someone from a different culture it often needs time.

 

I myself anm in a marriage with one from a different culture. His mother was dead against this marriage from the start. He and I were patient for three years. When we got married, his father and entire family were in support of the marriage. His mother did not agree, however, years later, I'm her favorite daughter in law. It was really hard for her to imagine having her son married to one from another culture. She loves being Sudanese and was sickened by the idea that her daughter in law wouldn't be. My hubby exhuasted ALL routes for three years before asking for my hand in marriage. As the poster above said, sometimes they come around and sometimes they don't. In this case, she came around after marriage.

 

I also agree with doing an istikhaara before going forward, regardless of how much your sister is in love with this person.

 

May Allah taala make the best happen for your sister.

 

Peace

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Assalam Alaikum Wa rahmatullahi wa ABarkatuhum

 

My dear Brother in Islam.

 

Kindly Ask your sister to do IStikhara, InshaAllah if teh answer is yes then Let your sister go ahead but with respect and gratitude.

 

Islam Teaches us not Racism, Islam gives equal respect to all, It is not right for your parents to deny any1 just because of cultural issues, and especially not to a revert.

 

Islam definitely gives your sister teh right but tell her to go with gratitude and ask Allah to soften her parents heart for him. And Firstly i strongly recommend Istikhara.

 

JAzak Allah Khair

I pray your sister and all of my other sisters and brothers get the spouse best for their Imaan and the Ummah .. Allahumma Aameen

 

Taqabbal Allah minna wa minkum

 

Wa Assalam Alaikum

Umme Sarwat

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What I was stressing out is the fact they need to deal with the racism part first and then the marriage for things to work. I do understand that I missed to put it in this simple format. But what struck me first is that the others seem to concentrate on the parents' part and did in fact hint that the parents' wishes were to please first. Now if you look at it's sad that the racism part didn't matter so much. I definitely see that's to sort out first: 1 for her parents' sake of gaining the right path, don't take this as an easy matter the fragments of paradise will not be smelt by a racist and its likes. Secondly being fully aware the problems existing in the Muslim community in the west, for his and her sake. If she the daughter cares so much about her mother then that would have to be a priority sister.

 

I am fully aware of the status of obedience to parents in Islam, I am aware that it's the third of the three biggest sins in Islam which comes after shirak and zina .and I am also aware of that we Muslims are allowed to marry against our parents' wishes if it's unislamic and hence I never and will never opt it as an option. It's too humaniliating for the parents especially the father.

 

now let me repeat again the reasons I was shocked by the two pervious posts was based on the fact the almost ignored or completely miss underestimated it, which alarmed me to think maybe isn't such a problem to them too, which also moved me so much I was basically writing so much from my heart that it sounds like an attack. However I can't tolerate such thinking. I do apology if that wasn't the case.

 

Sister I am not offended by you thinking I would act in the way you described as you don't know me. So I understand you were going along with my post however I didn't repeat their points as its obvious any one who is practising would do those basics that you and the two other sisters, with all respect and thanks to you all elaborated on.

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ÈöÓúãö Çááåö ÇáÑøóÍúãäö ÇáÑøóÍöíãö

 

Assalamu Alaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu,

 

JazakAllah Khayr Sister Luv2Learn for your words.

 

Sister nawal, you have taken my reply out of context. I didn’t mean it in the way you have taken it. Myself and Sister Aamina did not agree with the way of the parents. In order to explain better, I have come across many Bengali parents like this. Some you cannot say they are ‘racist’ they accept each convert as a new Muslim and where ever they may come from but when it comes to accepting them as their son in law it’s a different matter. They know people will talk because all throughout their lives when bengali people get married it’s to another Bengali person. This is what they expect and want for their own child, so when you come up with something like this they react badly. They may say and do things that are very hurtful but that is mainly in the heat of the moment, they can be labeled as racist but that could be because we fail to see. I did not hint that the parent’s wishes should be considered first, I touched upon that so they see the side of the parents and about the respect that they should be given even when it seems that they are being unreasonable.

 

Next time so things don’t lead to confusion, please feel free to ask me to explain. I hope the above makes sense and clarifies what I was trying to put across.

 

Wa Alaikum Mus Salam Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu

Edited by Peacemaker

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Salamz

IMO

The guy's muslim, there is nothing wrong with interracial marriage.

The Grandparents may not like it but since there is nothing wrong with it,they should understnd

The parenst should talk and explain it to them because it all comes down to prefrence, ane

the young couple's prefrence matter way more then any body elses.

peace

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Thanks everyone. I know I'm late, because of some problems with the law :sl: but I'd like to say thanks for helping out!

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ÈöÓúãö Çááåö ÇáÑøóÍúãäö ÇáÑøóÍöíãö[using large font size is not allowed]

 

Assalamu Alaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu,

 

It's nice to hear back from you Brother. Alhamdulillah, no need to thank us. Glad we could help. If you don't mind me asking, how is everything with your family and Sister?

:sl: the matter has eased for your family and will be accepted among them.

Don't hesitate to come back if there is anything else we could help with.

 

Wa Alaikum Mus Salam Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu

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Salaams,

your sister should get married that guy if she is really sure of him. The rest is not that important. It's her life.

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Yep, it's all going quite well now. My sister and my mum talk, but I think it's still on my mums mind. But yeah, thanks to you guys and to Allah, for helping us through this troubled times. And above poster, she is getting married, so no need to worry :sl:

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Alhamdulilah its nice to see that the matter has been resolved.

 

Quote - "And he is learning more and more of our culture"

 

What kind of a sentence is that? Silly, silly and silly, Words. Why on earth would he want a culture full of rubbish (like racism) that is far from Islam but even inhuman. - Quote

 

 

I don't see you thinking in an intellectual way sis Nawal...like you have said yourself...

 

Quote - I urge you and your other to think in an intellectual human way. - Quote

 

Maybe you should rephrase your sentence...

 

Culture full of rubbish? I am surprised no one here has taken such a statement into offence.

 

:sl:

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^^@ above post....

 

if any part of a culture is in conflict with Islam then it is rubbish...

 

theres no racism in Islam...

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No mate its the people within the culture that have such thoughts are the rubbish ones not the culture itself...

 

So you are saying every person in that culture is in conflict with Islam because he is part of it and you think that they all think alike?

 

Where do you get the term the culture is in conflict with Islam from?

 

:sl:

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ÈöÓúãö Çááåö ÇáÑøóÍúãäö ÇáÑøóÍöíãö[using large font size is not allowed]

 

Assalamu Alaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu,

 

Alhamdulillah, thats great news Brother. Even though your mother have had time to adjust to the idea, it may be a while before it eases off her mind. It just needs time :sl:

 

As for the whole culture business that has been mentioned here. Sister nawal, it would seem only meant her comment in reference to racism being involved in culture. If racism was to be involved in culture then not many people would see that culture with much value.

 

No mate its the people within the culture that have such thoughts are the rubbish ones not the culture itself...

 

I agree with you here, sometimes it is the people within the culture that create such things and at times the culture itself is not at fault.

 

So you are saying every person in that culture is in conflict with Islam because he is part of it and you think that they all think alike?

 

Where do you get the term the culture is in conflict with Islam from?

 

The Brother you have directed this question to only meant that, if a culture has anything like racism as part of it, it would conflict with Islam. Not that they are all alike and not that anyone in a culture is in conflict with Islam. But if things within it did conflict with Islam then it wouldn't be right.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but thats how I interpreted the replies here, I think you may be just misreading it.

 

Wa Alaikum Mus Salam Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu

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what if drinking alcohol is part of a culture...so are you saying that theres nothing wrong with that culture...

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me again^^^.....

 

i said "if [using large font size is not allowed]any part [using large font size is not allowed]of a culture is in conflict with Islam then [using large font size is not allowed]it is rubbish...

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ÈöÓúãö Çááåö ÇáÑøóÍúãäö ÇáÑøóÍöíãö[using large font size is not allowed]

 

Assalamu Alaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu,

 

If that was for me, I do already understand what you are saying Brother. I agree that if any part of a culture conflicts with Islam then it should be disregarded. However, I do not agree that one part makes a whole rubbish.

I also think this may be going way off topic if we start discussing culture and conflicts.

 

Wa Alaikum Mus Salam Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu

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Asalam Alykum warhmatullah Wbaraktuh

 

the parents might lack having the basic Islamic knowledge and that is racism is prohibited in the share'ah. We should give them excuse and Ask Allah to guide them and to Guide us for being humans with many flaws.. And make dua for the sister and brother that Allah blesses them with Sabr and contentedness with the Allah's Qadr .. Now lest keep in mind that this doesn't mean that The parents don't want whats best for their daughter.. Many Muslims do things out of ignorance assuming that that is what's best for them and their families. We should honor our parents and Pardon them, and keep it in mind that This sister will never get married to this brother unless if it is in the decree of Allah, and non can separate them if it is in the decree of Allah that they will get married.. It Could be that this is a reason from Allah to teach this sister and the brother sabr and tawakul ..

Hadith - al-Tirmidhi # 2151. [Classed as saheeh by al-Haakim, 1/699, and al-Dhahabi agreed with him. It was classed as hasan by al-Haafiz ibn Hajar in Fath al-Baari, 11/184]

 

The happiness of the son of Adam depends on his being content with what Allah has decreed for him, and the misery of the son of Adam results from his failure to pray istikharah, and the misery of the son of Adam results from in his discontent with what Allah has decreed for him.

 

Anyhow Alhmdulillah that things are getting better and better I ask Allah to guide us and grant us sabr and taqwaa..

Fe Amn Ellah

Al Faqeera el Allah

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Quote - what if drinking alcohol is part of a culture...so are you saying that theres nothing wrong with that culture... - Quote

 

lolllll....this made me laugh! Culture has nothing to do with alcohol. Alcohol does not define a culture from one to another...alcohol is drunk by all people from all types of cultures...

 

Quote - i said "if any part of a culture is in conflict with Islam then it is rubbish... - Quote

 

In the end I don't see how you can compare cultures with Islam as Islam is a way of life itself.

 

:sl:

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ÈöÓúãö Çááåö ÇáÑøóÍúãäö ÇáÑøóÍöíãö[using large font size is not allowed]

 

Assalamu Alaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu,

 

what if drinking alcohol is part of a culture...so are you saying that theres nothing wrong with that culture...

 

Brother, that was just meant as an example. It was just a what if scenario to put across his point. It does not seem he is comparing culture and Islam, he's just trying to say that depending on what your culture consists of it could conflict against Islam. Anyway I think this will be the last I speak of this, like I said above this is kinda off topic. The problem here is solved and unless you have something to add in reference to that it would probably be best you create a new thread if you wish to discuss this further.

 

Wa Alaikum Mus Salam Warahamtullahi Wabarakatahu

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(I'm the OP) Woah woah woah, guys, calm down! It's not really racism per se that is affecting their decision, but their inability to connect with the Australian culture. The guys parents are atheists, and they live in melbourne while we livei n Sydney. My mums marriage culture is like, the two familys live close by and they connect a lot, while if she marries him theyll be very distant.

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