Jump to content
Islamic Forum
Sign in to follow this  
Panthera Tigris

Approaching A Sister?

Recommended Posts

Assalamu alaikum

 

Right. I see a sister on the street, near the Masjid, bus stop, train station. She is attractive enough that I would consider marriage with her. So I apporach her and :

 

Luffy - assalamu alaikum

Sister - walaikum salam

Luffy - (I give her my number) if you are married throw this away. If not, give this to your brother or father. Assalamu alaikum. (then leave).

 

Anything wrong with that?

Edited by Luffy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PropellerAds

Technically, no. However, put yourself in her shoes (or imagin your own sister): a total stranger comes up and gives her a telephone number. It doesnt matter that he said Al salamu alaikum or he asked that she give the number to her brother or father, he is still a total stranger and in these times you cant trust anyone even if "seems" like he is o.k. Personally, I would just throw the number away, or even not take it in the first place.

 

A better option is to find out where she is going without letting her see you, then you can find out who she is (she is probably going somewhere where someone knows her) and then find some mutual aquaintance. even if that is through a lot of people. that way you can find out whatever you want about her without approaching her directly.

 

On the other hand, do you really think that her father will call you? come on, the first thing the father will think of is: "what, does he think that I just want to get rid of my daughter to the extent of marrying her to a total stranger? if he really wants her he will find her and come the proper way".

 

Put some effort into getting married and respect the girl and her family. Times change and what people accepted 1400 years ago they do not accept now.

 

That is my opinion, I hope I did not insult you but this is what I would tell my own brother in addition to telling him never to approach a girl before he is sure he wants her - including checking out her family first, it can be very insulting to them if start approaching directly and then back-up after you find out something you dont like.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The phone number would be given for her father to get to know more about me, and me about her. It wasn't exactly a proposal. If he just gave his number to my sister and said give that to your father/brother, I wouldn't mind. What would be worrying is if he said to go some place and chat, and my sister was approached in that way before.

 

How about I give my parent's phone number?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

I don't think its a good idea to 'stalk' her to see where she goes and then make yourself aquainted with the person she was speaking to/or went to visit etc. That would be like you're following her about and stalking her, which is worse than just being a normal stranger!

If you really like her, then I think you should ask her would she mind if she forwarded your parents number onto her parents. At least then she won't be freaked out! And she may seriously consider you. After all, its not all upto the parents, the sister should have a choice too.

Don't have to keep in touch with her or anything, but find out if she would be willing to forward the number.

 

Thats my opinion. I would consider more seriously if you gave a more indepth explanation rather than thrust a number into my hand and expect me to forward it!

And as far as I know there is nothing wrong with asking somebody's approval and permissin to go further into considering a proposal, in fact its better. And to this you would have to speak to the sister at some stage. Just ensure it doesn't go any further, and after the permission has been granted, then leave it to both your parents.

 

Hope (insha'Allah) that helps a little.

 

:D

Your Muslim Sis

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can see how giving my parents number would be better. But my parents don't care much, as they are waiting for my older sister to marry, meanwhile she wants to marry a revert, and they want something else. Even then I dont understand why they can't look for both of us at the same time.

 

I can ask for the imam of the Masjids contact, I think he said that he can approach a family for me. How about that? I give his number?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

Try and talk to your parents about how you want to marry. Let them know that your serious 100%! And tell them you would appreciate it if they looked for someone for you at the same time as your sister. In the long run its better for them too!

Contact of Imam is good, but how would you explain that your parents are not interested in marriage? And on hearing that are you sure the sister's parents will consider you? I don't know, just some questions to ponder over.

 

:D

Your Muslim Sis

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK. I will try.

 

I should dress smart when I do approach a sister LOL

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Assalamu Alaikum, Br. Luffy, I don't know how old you are, but Here is my advice to you, you might resent me for saying so, but my brother LOOKS CAN BE DECIEVING. I am sorry to say but looking at an attractive girl and thinking about marrying her is kind of immature, there is more to marriage than looks.

 

I am telling you seriously, if it was my daughter and you gave her your phone number or your parents phone number, she would tear the piece of paper and throw it down and crush it with her shoes.

 

I think this is the right time for all of us to make sure our daughters and sisters cover themselves with Niqabs, what do you think Sr.Eli and other sisters and brothers. LOL.

 

Assalamu Alaikum.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Like I said:

 

She is attractive enough that I would consider marriage with her

 

Even if she wears niqab you can still approach her (as then you would be attracted to her religious practice). And give her your number. I think crushing it with her shoes is a bit harsh. It's not like the brother would be asking for a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, or to be alone with her, he is asking about marriage.

 

The elders need to help make it easier for us young people to marry. Otherwise we wouldn't have to resort to this.

 

How did the companions at the time of the Porphet (peace be upon him) approach women? Didn't a woman even present HERSELF before the Prophet (peace be upon him).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From those responses I am assuming that you see her frequently or at least every now and then? If so, my advice would be to ask about her first before you approach her or her family. It could be embarrassing to you and insulting to her if you approached her and then change your mind.

 

I dont think "the elders" make it difficult to get married, they just dont want you to be too hasty in order to get things right. It happened to some people I know, in the haste to ask for the girls hand they let it be known to the girl and her family that they will be proposing and then they found out that the family is not what they had in mind, even the guy changed his mind and so they never came back. Do you think that is an Islamic thing to do? Be sure first.

 

As for "stalking" her, one of the sahaba told the Prophet saas that he wants to propose to a woman and the Prophet saas asked him if he saw her. the sahabi said no so the Prophet told him to do so FIRST. The sahabi said that he stalked her... yes, literally stalked her (as in looked at her without her knowing) until he saw of her what made him want to marry her and so he proposed.

 

The companions proposed directly to women or their fathers, sometimes to the woman herself. However, they did not propose to total strangers they generally proposed to people they already know or at least heard of from trustworthy people. Remember that Madina was a very small town and the population was very small and practically everyone knew everyone. Moreover, I have never heard of a companion that approached for marriage and then decided whether he wants to marry her or not.

 

And proposing to the Prophet is another thing. I would beg the Prophet to marry me if I lived at his time; after all he is the perfect husband despite the fact that he already has several wives. The same would go to the sahaba. Not that a woman proposing is wrong, but these days it is better if a third party would be involved because the time is different.

 

In the rush to follow the sunna and complete half of your religion, dont forget about the other party’s feelings, women (and most of the time their families too) can be very very sensitive to these things. I personally know a girl who refused a perfectly fine young Muslim because of the way he proposed, she found it very insensitive and hence she just could not even get herself to go and take a look at him: she hated him without even seeing him! Is that what you want to do?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No, this is all hypothetical.

 

Mahawai: I know all that already. I wasn't talking about proposing, I was talking about giving her the number on order to get to know her more (via family involvment etc.) with intention to propose if things work out. Because as you say it is not a small town. She could aleady be married, or have older brothers and sisters to wait for, or looking for someone older than me.

 

Luffy - Assalamualaikum

Sister - Wassalam

Luffy - Here's my parents number, give that to your parents if you're not married. This is not a proposal for marriage. I'm interested in finding out more about you, and would like to propose if things work out.

 

I could pass the above as a letter/note?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

i wasnt aware of this topic..until now...

 

interesting discussion...

 

Luffy - Assalamualaikum

Sister - Wassalam

Luffy - Here's my parents number, give that to your parents if you're not married. This is not a proposal for marriage. I'm interested in finding out more about you, and would like to propose if things work out.

 

what if...whilst u are giving the note/letter or talking to the sister...somone from the sistes side see's you....and that would be the sisters reputation down the drain......(if he/she spreads rumours)...i know its a horrible thing..but thats how it can be with some....

 

from a sisters point of view...it may seem as though you would be interested in the sister...only for her looks...and therefore the sister may feel offended...as she may put her deen before anything....

 

(SORRY-i really dont want to sound too personal or out of order or anything-just talking generally)

 

how about if you see the sister more than 3 or 4 times..then approach her.....and explain....u have seen her a few times....and seen how she acts (if thats the right word)..etc....and would like to communicate further through a halal way?

 

or if its a shop....then maybe telling the shop keeper about the situation.....and get him involved?

 

 

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
:D

 

i wasnt aware of this topic..until now...

 

interesting discussion...

what if...whilst u are giving the note/letter or talking to the sister...somone from the sistes side see's you....and that would be the sisters reputation down the drain......(if he/she spreads rumours)...i know its a horrible thing..but thats how it can be with some....

 

Interesting, but this is not Saudi Arabia. Also there is a punishment in Islam for people who slander someone.

 

from a sisters point of view...it may seem as though you would be interested in the sister...only for her looks...and therefore the sister may feel offended...as she may put her deen before anything....

 

Like I said. It is NOT a proposal. It is a request to KNOW more.

 

 

(SORRY-i really dont want to sound too personal or out of order or anything-just talking generally)

 

how about if you see the sister more than 3 or 4 times..then approach her.....and explain....u have seen her a few times....and seen how she acts (if thats the right word)..etc....and would like to communicate further through a halal way?

 

or if its a shop....then maybe telling the shop keeper about the situation.....and get him involved?

:D

 

Hypothetical situation is that I'm satisfied with the looks side of things (even if she is wearing niqab as that is part of her appreance). The remaining info is what is her character like and so on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

asalamu alaikum

 

bro luffy i get what you're trying to say. it may seem like a great idea at the time. but if i got a a number that way, i'd never give it to my dad. The questions would be endless, and i wouldn't know what to answer him if i didn't know you. Its easier if you know her from somewhere like school, or if you know one of her brothers or cousins or something.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Assalamu alaikum

 

Yeah, her parents might possibly think she was up to no good if brought them some guy's parent's number. How about:

 

Luffy - Assalamualaikum

Sister - Wassalam

Luffy - Here's my parents number, give that to your parents if you're not married. This is not a proposal for marriage. I'm interested in finding out more about you, and would like to propose if things work out. If they have any questions, tell your parents they can phone my parents.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As salamualikum

 

 

 

 

Assalamualikum

 

Brother chris if you are intersted in marriage have you thought about talking to your local imam?or a person in your local community that may know and be able to help you out? much better for you to that then approach a complete stranger on the street lol brother even non muslims rarely suceed that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

i dont think its a good idea to approuch som1 who is a total stranger, usualy people marry through contacts e.g. a freind knows som1 who knows som1 etc.

 

if my sister got a number from som1 i would tell her to bin it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Assalamu alaikum

 

Right. I see a sister on the street, near the Masjid, bus stop, train station. She is attractive enough that I would consider marriage with her. So I apporach her and :

 

Luffy - assalamu alaikum

Sister - walaikum salam

Luffy - (I give her my number) if you are married throw this away. If not, give this to your brother or father. Assalamu alaikum. (then leave).

 

Anything wrong with that?

Salaam,

That isnt practical, bro.Give this to your bro?.Asking her her address would be more practical, then you can ask her Guardiand to give you her hand in marriage.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

in short fraces can someone tell me how is a muslim marriage ceremony???

from the morning to the night.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Assalamu alaikum

 

Yeah I know people marry through contacts, usually. But for one reason or another people don't have the contacts.

 

It's not like you are approaching the sister for a date. Also she can see if the brother is appealing to her, appearance, and decide if she passes the details on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Assalamu alaikum

 

Yeah, her parents might possibly think she was up to no good if brought them some guy's parent's number. How about:

 

Luffy - Assalamualaikum

Sister - Wassalam

Luffy - Here's my parents number, give that to your parents if you're not married. This is not a proposal for marriage. I'm interested in finding out more about you, and would like to propose if things work out. If they have any questions, tell your parents they can phone my parents.

 

:D

 

well..i suppose that aint too bad...

 

but still....maybe re-wording it, would be appropriate...

 

above all...i think most of the 'ways' mentioned above would be acceptable....because ive heard so many people meeting their spouses at uni/college etc....and there must have been a means of contact....probably, which was an unhalal way...Wallahu Alim....also.......many people may not have many contacts....

 

so considering the situtation with everyone is different...InshALLAH Allah :D will help every1 out...as He :D is aware of everything.

 

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unhalal contact would be meeting in private.

 

I don't know really. It's 50/50, if it will work or not. As long as you say it the right way with good manners, there's nothing wrong with it.

 

And looking at a random person in the street is not a good idea either, I mean you'll pick up a habit of not lowering your gaze.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As-salamu 'Alaikum Brother,

 

It is very hard these days to know how to approach someone with the intention of marriage. I know that I am new to this forum, but if I may offer you a suggestion from experience...

 

It would be better for you to not approach the sister directly, you may make her feel very uncomfortable. You mentioned that you have an older sister...it would be better for you to take your sister along to wherever you see this sister and have your sister talk to her and give her the contact information. If your sister cannot do it, maybe an aunt of yours or another brother (family or friend) of yours and his sister.

 

I give this advice from experience...had I knowledge that my husband was going to do a "walk by" to "check me out" before we met, I would totally have been nervous and uncomfortable. I very glad that I did not know...actually I didn't know until well AFTER we were married :D and I was still nervous about the thought and fact that he saw me before I say him and without knowing.

 

It is always best to have a sister talk to a sister and a brother to a brother...that goes for pretty much everything...like this case and as well as dawah. Don't give shaitan the chance to be a third wheel or the chance to put thoughts in other's heads.

 

As I always tell my fellow muslimah whent his topic comes up..."When you start out bad/wrong...it usually ends the same way." Doing according to Quran and Sunnah is always the better and from there we do our best...Allah (SWT) know our intentions and what lays in our hearts.

 

Remember to do Istikharah as well BEFORE you make a move...without Allah (SWT) guidance we are surely lost.

 

May Allah (SWT) grant you guidance in this situation and in life.

 

Your sister in Islam,

Blessed2BMuslim

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had an idea. How about approaching a sister who's like married, and asking if she knows anyone (giving her your details)?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

Right bro luffy I'm back! :D

 

I went to my maternal grandmother's house to stay, and my Uncle there asked me to watch out for a girl for him :D well you know what I mean. He's told me he's ready for marriage, and that he would appreciate it if I could look for a sister for him.

I am on the lookout (watch out girls :D just kiddin!) and I think its better if you can speak to someone whom is married, ensure you give them the 'checklist' so as to not waste time and give falsehope. Thats what my uncle has done!

 

Its really difficult, the situation of approaching a sister as you described. I don't know what else I could suggest. :D Insha'Allah you shall find a way though, a halal way!

 

With duas,

:D

*eli* (aka eli_chy05)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×