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They Wont Except Any Other Coulture

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Salam

 

I met this lovely Bengali lady through work about 1 year ago. We got to know each other quite well and started dating secretly (at this time i was not a muslim). As we were dating she started giving me books on Islam asking me to read them and if I'm interested she can help me with the religion. I learned more and more about Islam and found it exactly what i believe in and as soon as i started following the religion and applying it I found a major difference in my life. She helped me learn Salah and encouraged me to go to Masjid and learn more about Islam.At this point we stopped seeing each other as she did not like the fact of sneaking around behind her family's back and we decided that we want to get married as I found she would make a good mother for our children, and she has a very good heart, she only thinks of others before herself. Also the fact that when we were together, only good things, religion wise, happened. We encouraged each other to learn more about Islam and when she didn't feel like praying I would encourage her etc... I know i will make a good father and a good husband to her. I am a good person and only want what's best for her, as i love her so much. Without going more into depth....4 days ago, her brother found fotos of me holding her on our couch (when we were seeing each other) and now i haven't heard anything from her up to today.They have taken her phone off her and stopped her from coming to work. She is 21 years old and is very strange to me that you can treat someone that you love like that because they love someone from a different race. I am white and 22 years old. We dont wanna get married straight away but the idea was that i can get to spend some time with her family and they get to know me and then if they think I'm a bad person or not good enough for their daughter then, thats fair enough. At this point it seems to me they dont even wanna give me a chance because I'm not bengali. I'm south african and was brought up in a strict house as well, but they seem to generalise and think all white people are bad. I dont know what to do. She said not to contact her as she found out about them getting the pictures, so i dont know if i should go to her house and try to speak to her family or leave it for a while till they cool down. The thing is I dont wanna do anything bad with their daughter, i just wanna get to know the family and be part of her family because she is so important to me that even if they treat me terribly, I want to know them and be part of it as it's a part of her. Just seems like they are being racist, I dont know. Any suggestions or help please!!! I dont know any Bengali people and don't know who to take with me when speaking to them. :D

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PropellerAds

salam,

 

Oh another cultural clash! Oh I really hate that.

 

Now brother did you convert to Islam because you wanted to marry her or because Islam is what you were looking for and firmly believe in???

 

Not sure how this will work or get around it..as our asian parents are really into their cultural beliefe then Islamic belief. I suggest let the home situation cool down a bit, then think of ways to contact her via one of her female friend. Find out what her reaction is to the home situation before proceeding any further.

 

Good luck.

 

wasalam

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Even if you were Bengali I think they would have had the same reaction. I would suggest leave the family for now.

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:D

 

I'm a bengali bro. And its not just different skin colour that our parents have against us, its the whole different culture thing, especially with us bengalis, well before our generation anyways. So please don't feel offended that these people are acting so small minded. I was in a similar situation when I married an Indian, he's the same skin colour, same mother tongue, same religion yet my dad was totally against our marriage. He kinda did the same to me as you mentioned about the sister.

 

It would be really good if you could speak to them and understand their reasons why they are so against you and marriage with this sister. You do have to tread carefully, these bengalis' do tend to jump to conclusions! Keep your calm and explain clearly you intentions. With us bengalis its sad but true, there is a lot of material stuff people look for when getting their daughters' married. I'm not saying ALL families are like this, but I have noticed generally this is true.

 

See if there is ANY way you can contact this sister and see if she's alright. Try and see what she wants too.

 

If you haven't converted already brother, then do so. But do it for the sake of Allah not the sister. But from the way you're speaking I think I can tell that you're sincerely interested in our religion.

 

Sister_in_islam also gave good advice, Masha'Allah.

 

:D

Eliza

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Assalamu'Alikum,

 

There is no dating in Islam. You are not allowed to be togteher like you have been...if you are muslim then you can only touch, be alone with and interact with your wife, not friend or girlfriend.

 

Fee amanillah.

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salam,

 

well as sister eli said..it is not only the bengalies who are small minded..i think it is the 'asian' minority who are like that, as i belief our older generation are waking up to reality.

Take it cool bro..see what the situation is and let us know.

 

good luck

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Salam

 

Now I kinda have to reply to all of you at once...lol

 

Firstly her brother contacted me and wanted to speak to me 2 days ago, I went to meet him and he said to me they only mix with Bengali'sand this marriage talk is ending now or there is gonna be trouble. Iasked him why and he said society is gonna think because I am white that his sister went out to clubs and met me there and that that would ruin all his other sisters chances of marriage. It seems like they have found someone forher to marry in the backround. She dont even know about this. He said this man can support their family and that is important. I explained that I wanted to do only that, be part of the family, support them and make them proud, not take anything away from them. He seems to still be a bit upset so there is no use speaking now. Isaid I wont do anything with his sister he does not want me to do, and that all I want to do is to get to know him and his brother and sisters, so they can see I'm a good guy. He said he only wants to know me as a muslim brother and nothing more. I told him their family's respect is the most important thing and that is why we stopped seeing each other so we can do this right, as that is what Allah expects from us and we want a marriage not just a short relationship. He just kept saying this is the end of this story. I said: I will stop with this story if he's sister tells me she wants nothing to do with me and wants to marry this other man. He brought her and that she confirmed. I got the feeling that they threatened her to say those things. Threatened in either saying they would hurt me or her , I dont know...just got that feeling. She will be coming back to work on mondayand will have a proper chance to speak to her and find out why she said those things.

 

To me this whole thing sounds like it's about what society thinks and money....nothing else. This is not what Islam tells us to do. Therefore I do not believe this man is a true Muslim.

 

I will keep you updated

 

As for the converting question...I started reading about Islam because she brought it to my attention, I believed and I converted.

 

To convert for someone else just means I would lying to myself for the rest of my life. Even if she really did mean those things and wants nothing to do with me, I will stay a Muslim, that is a choice I made to myself.

 

you said make sure she is ok, would they hurt her?

thanks for your replies

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:D

 

Also make sure you take bro Ehsan's advice and ensure that this doesn't develop into a b/f g/f relationship again. This will only further fuel her family's negativity towards you.

 

However persevere and continue to do things in an Islamic manner. Most importantly make dua'a to Allah to ease your situation and InshaAllah her family will see sense.

 

Allah Ma'ak (May Allah be with you)

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that that would ruin all his other sisters chances of marriage.

 

There was one proposal for my sister, but his siblings had married outside the race. For that reason my parents weren't happy. Saying if she were to marry into such family, it will cause problems for the rest of us when we come to marry.

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we wont let it come to that kinda relationship again, cause we want more than that. and that would ruin our chances. Tell me brother, would you want to marry or get someone married into a family that thinks in that way? Her brother married to someone outside the race, does that make her a bad person. Allah does not only have followers and believers in one color. Why should any person think like that then. When, what society says becomes important to you over what the Quaran and Islam says then you are not following the faith but a version of the faith that society has created by being caught up by worldly needs.

 

Dont you think

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This is not the way I think, this is how parents think.

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I know, but I'm asking your opinion? And also, do you see it as disrespecting your parents bytelling them how you feel about situations like these, or lifting your opinion in any matter, that would not agree with their opinions. Because I've found it alot that, most Asian people find it difficult to speak to their parents about things, cause they feel that it is disrespectful to have a diff opinion about things in life to their parents

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Salam Brother,

 

I agree with what brother PNA1 said that we asians have difficult talking to our parents mostly i find that it is about certain topics we will be reluctant to talk to them about. As there is a communication gap and plus the veiws we have.

 

Our parents believe what every one else in their community believes so although they base and take Islam very seriously, they do confuse it with some of their man made faith. Am I confusing you all now?

 

Any way brother I hope things will ease for you inshallah. I think if this marriage happened it will open the eyes of other parents who have these strong veiws about intercultural marriages. Bengali/white and bengali/other cultural marriages have happened and alhumdulillah it is working fine. Although it takes a lot of persuasion and parents really have to be convinced.

 

I think the sister will have to convince her family of this marriage on how much it really means to her. If you are fighting by your self then it is useless as they will only see you as some one trying to create trouble for the family. It is important both of you work on this together. If there is someone else on the scene then I hope the sister will have to make sure that she makes her self clear that she does not wish to be married off like that. If SHE doesnt do that, then she is only ruining her life even if she does not marry you. MAKE SURE this person is off scene before you start creating new waves as it will only end in Bollywood style.

 

So first analyse what is that both of you want and how important is it to you each of you. Then anaylse how you will approach this inshallah.

 

You will be in my duas.

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Salam Sister in Islam

 

You are the first person that have said something to me about this topic in and out of this forum, with a clear mind. Most people are to scared to lift their views. Thank you for including us in your Dua's it means the world to me. I have decided what I will do and think it would be the best in all aspects and from all sides. I will from now on, even if she decides to throw away her life like this, work on my religion and base my whole life on the chances that she will one day realise that she has made a mistake and actually stand up and tell everyone that this is where her heart is. I believe that I will be doing sin and wrong towards the other person if I would get married or involved with another person while having her in my heart, because I would never be able to give another person the love a wife deserves if I still have her in my heart. I promised her that I would never give up on her and that I would wait for her no matter how long it takes. And I will keep to that. This doesn't mean that I will interfere with the family or her life. I will let her go on and me as well but, like I said all I do will be based on the chance of us being together even 40 years down the line. I wanted to ask you sister....Will it be a valid marriage, if she agrees verbally, but she still in her heart wants to be with me. Like I said, I think that would be sinning, cause you giving a person second hand love, if you know what I mean?

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Salam PNA1,

 

Marriage is based in agreeing to marry some one with full intention that you will love, cherish, support, commit your self with mind, heart and body, emotionally and phsically. Marriage is such an important step in ones life as it carries you towards akhira. This person that you marry is half your deen and therefore important that you are fully able to commit to such a deep relationship. I can not stress enough how important it is to be married to someone whom you can share your life, and akhira with. It is therefore important that some is 'awake' when making such a life/akhira decision. One cannot be forced into a marriage as it is not valid.

 

So it important both girl/boy agree to whom they are marrying, see them, talk to them but with the present of a third person. Islam fully allows both parties to choose whom they marry with the consent of HER wali (father/brother). But if the wali makes silly excuses as he is 'white/black' then it is not a valid excuse for the sister not to be married to that person and am sure she can involve other people like the imam or other influential person to talk to her family. How ever if the bros character is at question then of course no point involving other people as they will tell you the same thing 'dont marrty him.'

 

Islam has no colour/race/culture. Allah made us all differently for a reason and that is to learn from each other and expand the brother/sisterhood.

 

At the end of the day brother one can not marry one and be in love with some one else as it is a major sin in Islam. It is not fair on that person as they of course must love you to be married to you so why punish them if your heart is wondering else where.

 

At the end of the day Islam is about human rights and it is sister/brother to be married to whom we want unless their is something dodgy about him. We are all responsible for our own actions. So if we want to paly around with our life then of course we will pay the rpice for it.

 

Inshallah the sister will decide what she wants and everything will ease for you. I think if she decides to marry you then it will be easier for yoy both to fight for it.

 

Allah will decide what is best for us.

 

wasalam.

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Salam

 

You are a very wise person, and I would like to speak to you more when issues arise through this struggle. Will you please check this spot regularly during the next few months, so I can ask your advice and views. For some reason I think your advice is very good and truthful and would like you to help me make some sence out of these things I do not know alot about

 

Your help and views are and will be muchly appreciated

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salam,

 

Inshallah I will try and help/advice you as much as I can. Inshallah will check this thread frequently. Keep us updated of any progress you make.

 

I suggest that you introduce the sister to this forum as well. Maybe she will find it usefull as well. I suppose things get easier if one reads similar stories and the out come. And I can assure you there are many brothers and sisters suffering from these culture clashes from our older generation.

 

Any way brother take care and keep us updated.

 

wasalam

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Just to let you know my username has changed to pna01.....because my religion still showed non-religion, and just wanted to clear that I am a muslim brother.

LOL

 

Yeah I'll keep you updated

 

thank you very much

 

Hear from you soon, Inshallah

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Salam

 

I have spoken to her and she told me that we could not be together and this is the end, we have to get over each other. Apparently her mother said she wanted to kill herself because of this and she cant let her mother go through this. She only wants to be friends now. I dont know what to say to her. I kinda had a go at her because she has hurt me and dissapointed me by telling me she will stand by me and give up in a matter of 4 days. But have decided id rather be her friend than lose her completely, but I feel like it's all gonna happen later on as well, cause her husband is gonna make her stop being my friend one day. She said she wont get married until she gets over me, but cant see that happening cause she is gonna see me every day at work. She still hasn't come to work, it's been 2 weeks. I feel like I've lost my life, the person that I dedicated all my love attention and devotion to. Any suggestions?

 

Thanks

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Salaam

 

I am really sorry to hear that she has decided she will not continue with this... :D She has clearly stated that she is being emotionally blackmailed by her family and believe me this is really emotional to see your family being hurt because of you. At times like that one really wishes that things didn’t happen the way it did or if the past can be changed. So there is nothing new in this story.

 

Well I believe that at the end of the day it is up to Allah if he wants you both to be together. If Allah wills there is no force that can reverse Allah’s will, so brother still keep hope and pray that Allah only does what is best for you. If she is destined for you then she will be yours. Nothing can change that. You can only make dua. Why Allah does things mysterious ways we don’t know but we do realize it later.

 

Am just wondering why isn’t she coming to work? To me it seems that she is afraid of seeing you as old feelings will a wake again.

 

Well for the moment I suggest you pray Salatul Isthikara (prayer of guidance). Make dua with pure intentions of what you feel but ONLY ask Allah if she is for you and good for your iman and akhira then make things easy for you and bring both of together through marriage. And if she is NOT good in any way for your iman and akhira then Allah should take her away from you and bring the person who is for good this life and next. Well that is the basis of dua.

 

I suggest you read upon salatul Isthikara. I have seen topics on that in IF.

 

I will make dua for you. Allah will ease everything don’t worry.

 

wasalam

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PNA01

 

 

Assalamualikum brother,

 

 

what can i say? this story is all too common. I think the brothers and sisters have shown a lot of support here, and shown you the spirit of the ummah.

 

When one comes to Islam, it must not be on emotion, but rather on intelectual acceptance of the truth, which mashallah you say was your route.

 

Once we become muslim, we should aim to dedicate our life to Allah, do all those things which please Him and avoid those that displease him. If we do not do this, we go towards self destrction, harm and grief, as you are now going through.

 

So brother, If you wish to be happy, forget about that sister (as hard as it may be), concentrate on Islam, and inshallah, Allah will provison you to marry a nice sister that you deserve.

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Salam

 

I understand it was wrong what we did in the beginning, but then we stopped that. The fact is, love is not put in our hearts by the devil, it is not a curse. Love is given to us from Allah as a gift, it's a good thing. And you dont choose who you love. The fact is I love this sister, and she loves me. There is wrong in that seeing as we do not do anything Islamically wrong. But yes the love was started by doing something wrong. She does not want to marry this person her family got her, she doesn't want to get married now at all. Her family is giving her away for status and money. Tell me, would you be able to forget and walk away from a person about to get hurt in a way that no person should ever be treated. And that person you love so much that you would do anything for them.

 

If you can walk away from a person that you love this much, when they need you cause they are being treated like a camel being sold to someone, then I really feel sorry for you, because that is what makes us human....being able to go out of our comfort zone to protect and help people that we care about.

 

it would have been a diff situation if she wanted to get married to someone and willing to look for someone, but she has no choice in any of this cause she is being blackmailed emotionally.

 

Allahhaviz

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Salam,

 

It is easy to say then done, but if she doesnt want to marry that person then she should let her family know...:cry:...No point sitting in your bedroom and feeling sorry for your self. She will have to make a move and be assertive that she does not wish to be married to some one she is not happy with.

 

See the way things are is if you let people blackmail you emotionally then they will take that oppurtunity and black mail you, as they know it will work. But have you ever thought that you can black mail them too emotionally???? well here is a hint, who is :P :w00t: ...who is the weakest link in the family???? :unsure: ...it is mum... :yes: ..so it about time the sister spoke to her mum..emotionally that she is NOT happy with the marriage arrangment and that she wishes to be married to some one that she wants to... :whistling:

 

See at the end of the day she will b left with whom she marries...what of that marraige didnt work out???..will mum and dad take responsibility??? :unsure: ..they will NOT but blame...

 

err,,,i could go on about this...tell her just be assertive and get the message across to mum... the weakest link..good bye! ;)

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Salam Sister

 

Thanks for your reply...That was kinda amusing to read...lol

 

I will forward her that message. I will try and get her to go on the forum and tell you about the situation from her side. She told me that I should try and speakt to her brother about Islam, and get to know him that way, seeing as he is studying Islam at college. And still keep going to College, as I decided to go do some more diplomas so we can have a better life together. So now she wants me to still do it, in case it works out. I cant see how though!?!?!?!

 

Anyways I'll let you know....thanks once again for keeping to check this discussion to help me.

 

Allahhaviz

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