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My Wife Is Black Mailing Me With My Son

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I just can't go to my Mother in law 's home , let me explain it why .

 

On third day ( after the fight) i have called my wife at her cell phone but it was off , then i have called at her mother's cell phone . I told her that i want to talk with my wife she said , we don't want you to talk with her and we have closed her phone for a reason .i said , she is my wife ,how can you stop me but she said no.

then she said , " After what you have said and done that day , now i will teach you a lesson . " and " now you will see your wife when all the elders of both family sit and discuss about you .

In reply , i said do what ever you want , i don't care .there will be no meeting what so ever .

 

SO this is the reason , i don't go to my in laws now and i don't accept any meeting option from there side .

I have simply told them ,if you want the marriage to work then send my wife and my kid back to my home , they are more then wellcome , and if you don't want it then wait for my lawyer.

 

i don't know i f i have done right , May Allah help me

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PropellerAds

Allah will not help you unless you help yourself.

Nor will he change your condition unless you decide to change it yourself.

 

I think you need to decide if your 1000% correct.. before you earn the right to be stuborn upon your current position.

 

Here are some possibilties or points to think about:

 

1. Maybe you spoke out of anger or frustration?

 

2. Maybe your missing a bigger detail? It could be your marriage was heading downhill because of something and in time its bottled up and exploded along with this recent mishap? It could well be that you were unaware of the main touble that was the root of what your wife is feeling.

 

3. Maybe your mother is wrong and she'll destroy a good thing between you and your family.

 

4. Maybe your wife is wrong and by you gaining closure you can at least move on and figure out whats good with you son.

 

Theres tons of maybe's we can imagine.. but this problem involves real people and wont be settled if you throw it around in your mind.

 

I think if you didnt speak to the people involved, then that would be a injustice mostly to yourself and the others involved.

 

Theres is no seeking or waiting for guidance from Allaah if you've already choosen to be stubborn upon something. and if you have choosen to be steadfast in your choice, then thats your right, and there is really no advice anyone can give you except 'hang in there'.

 

If you understand what im saying, then i advise you to get someone of knowledge and take them with you.. and talk things out with everyone. At the very least you'll find some type of closure & will be able to bear witness on the day of judgement that you sincerely tried.

 

 

Your Brother In Islam

Abdullah_Deen

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your reply is very much a eye opener for me , i don't know how can I reply to this .

No I am not at all 1000% sure that i am right , rather i am not even 50 % sure that i am right .But brother i don't want be a slave .

I have read Al Ghazali 's book of marriage , in that there in one hadees

" The Prophet ( peace be upon him) said, “Miserable is he who is a slave to his wife "

what you say about this .

and read this

" Arab women used to teach their daughters [how] to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.â€

 

My father in Law is just like that , he has no say in his home , he just say and do what his wife or daughters do .

Brother i don't want to be like that .

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your reply is very much a eye opener for me , i don't know how can I reply to this .

No I am not at all 1000% sure that i am right , rather i am not even 50 % sure that i am right .But brother i don't want be a slave .

I have read Al Ghazali 's book of marriage , in that there in one hadees

" The Prophet ( peace be upon him) said, “Miserable is he who is a slave to his wife "

what you say about this .

and read this

" Arab women used to teach their daughters [how] to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.â€

 

My father in Law is just like that , he has no say in his home , he just say and do what his wife or daughters do .

Brother i don't want to be like that .

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I dont advice you to approach her as a slave, but rather approach them as a proper slave of Allah.

 

To seek further knowledge of the situation wont negate the fact that you choose to stand firm. More so by seeking understanding of what occured, you will not only be able to continue standing Firm, but you will be able to stand with justice as well.

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Twice they have contacted me for a joint meeting and both time i have refused the idea , As i thought if i am not doing anything wrong then why should i bend on there demands but i think i was wrong all togther and maybe thats why i am still in pain .

Let me write down some main point of my pain , maybe this will help you understand that even if i am wrong in lots of things and i am not be that wrong .

 

1) My wife left my city with out my permission despite of my saying no to her and no to her mother .

2) she has closed her cell phone for more then 15 days,means no information about her and about my son

3) they never let me know how about my son's health ,its only if i call to ask her then she reply , other wise she don't see any reason to contact me

4) (the biggest of all pain is this )they have done the circumcision of my son , with out my knowledge and with out my permission .they never bother to tell me about it , its like they don't even think i am his father .

5) they are standing firm from the day one on the point that if i want her then i should go to my in laws home otherwise no option .

 

And despite of all this they think i am getting stuburn and i should forget all this and go to her home .

 

And for your point that maybe there is something deep going on in my wife's mind and now its exploded , yeah that can be a reason . To understand this ,Plz read my other post in this section ( Should I leave her ) . It will clear the picture .

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which country are you from?

What is your education?

Listen brother Husband and Wife both are equally important in the married life. I know that she has made a lot of mistakes maybe she is very young maybe the love of yours is not as much as her love towards her mother. If you dont want to go to her parents place, you should meet her alone and discuss all your issues and please dont think about Talaq things from my point of view are really not that bad. For your SON his mother is very very Important. What is your paretnts openion on this?

and yes the circumcision problem is really important. as you were not contacting them. it is very easy for the young boys to have circumcision it is less painfull for them.

Please ask your elders to arrange a meeting of you and YOUR wife before making any decession.

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I understand the points you've made and your position, but I was focusing on talking with them so a conclution can be reached, if not about you and your wife.. then about you and your son.

 

This doesnt mean you have to give in or become what your not.. Its simply a means to figure out what can be done about the situation.

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[at]I have dona MBA and i am from Pakistan but my wife parents are Pakistani living in Saudia for 30 years . Even i know that things are not bad but i don't know why here parents have make it such a big issue .I were in contact with her , we have talked on phone for quite some time but still she have never told me about circumcision , which she should have .she never told me about circumcision but she have sms me about the vaccination of son for 2 month , isn't ridicules ?

[at]Brother i do accept your point but i don't see any way back to what i have told them already .they are waiting for me to become weak as they know i am too much involved with me son before his birth and maybe thats what my biggest mistake , i have over reacted for my son and they think they can control me by using my son .

Now i am waiting for there next move , lets see when they will make that and this time i will try to be reasonable as you have advice me .

May Allah reward you for sharing my pain .

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It doesn't matter if i understand it or not . ball is very much in there court ,lets see if they contact me again or not .

My brother in law and my sister have offered me that if i don't want to go to my in laws then they can go there and bring my wife and my son back . it seems a good idea but i am afraid my mother in law can refuse to send my wife back with out my visit to her house first .

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Thanx for asking . but no news . they are not contacting me and i am not contacting them , so its very much in limbo . in few days my sister and her husband will visit there home ,let see what will be the out come .

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Hi I am sorry for what you are going through. :D

 

Maybe you will not want to hear my advice, so of course you can take it or leave it.

 

Since you are so concerned about being a man, why not act like one please? A true man does not mean to be proud and refuse to bend the knee. Actually, a true man bends both knees as well as his heart for God.

 

I know this because my Dad is a true man.

 

Since you love God, I do not understand how you could curse your wife and her family please? How is this being a true man please? True men are to be strong, and cursing and hating people is actually not strength at all, but a weakness.

 

James 3 says,

 

"9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

 

13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

 

I would like to ask you please to consider that passage? God made your wife and her family. Loving them is important. Maybe your wife is not seeing your love for her?

 

I used to be married, and to tell you the truth, my husband sounds a lot like you. It was only when I left that he did humble himself, but then I was too proud to return to him. Now that I am single, God is working in both his and my heart and if it's His will, we will return together, but we are both GROWING IN LOVE. I am growing as a woman and have realized my faults and sins in my not respecting and loving him, and he is growing as a man and has realized his faults and sins of not loving and caring for me.

 

Life is a process and God gives us strength, but please I think your focus should be on Love, God's love. This is stronger than any other kind of love. Please if you could ask God to help you to love your wife and her family? If not for yourself and your son (both yours and your wife's son) than for God's glory and to praise Him who loves you and her and him and them?

 

Thanks for your patience and God bless you.

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I think it is very clear that the Mother is the problem here. She tried to trick you into signing a contract, she controls her husband, now she has reigned in her daughter to punish you.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she has some sort of mental disorder to destroy a family like she is doing.

 

Are you sure your wife acually wants to stay away from you? Or is it the work of her mother?

 

To me it honestly sounds like your mother in law is trying to get all the money and power that she can.

 

I don't think that asking her to stop interfereing with your life is unreasonable. I think what she is doing is unreasonable.

 

As far as I've read, and understand... your mother is in absolute control. You challeneged her, and now she wants to break you. She will do ANYTHING to do it. She sounds like a very sick person.

 

Now as bending down to her will like her husband. Don't become that. Maybe you can apologize for offending an elder (which you are sorry you did) and not specifically for making a reasonable request.

 

Once you have your family back together, ask you wife what she really wanted. If I am right about this, after you and your wife are together, distance yourself from the mother as much as possible.

 

She is a power-hungry thief.

 

 

Buuuttt, inshallah you will do the right thing.

 

Remeber this post is just one person's opinion, and I easily could be wrong. But that is just the way I see it.

 

Tell me how it turns out.

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You are very right “sky “That’s exactly what happens here. My wife’s mother is creating this entire situation just to soothe her ego. I might be the first man in her life who has challenged her authority. Her husband has spent his life on her finger tips and she thought her daughters (she has two) can use that wining formula too. Her elder daughter is very much in control of her husband like her mother but all there techniques are not working in my case.

Let me give u the detail of that day when I had fight with my wife’s mother, this will give you idea,

That day,

I have dropped my wife at her uncles home so that she can spend some time with her mother and father as they have come from other country for delivery. before that I took my one day old son to doctor for his vaccinations, but before leaving our home my wife called some one and I asked her who you are calling, she said I am calling my mother about vaccinations and I said, why u are asking her, he is my son, do I need her permission, and she said oh no its not like that I was just asking.

Anyway at the doctor office, before vaccinations they have taken his weight and it was 3kg where as in hospital it was 3.1 kg. I asked the doc, isn’t too low and he said no its ok, any baby more then 2.9 kg is fine.

Letter on I have dropped her at her uncle’s home who live in my home city.

 

Next day I went to doc alone and asked him why my son’s weight is less then his birth weight after 2 days and he said maybe he is not getting enough milk from mother , why don’t you give some supplement to him if you are that much concerned,( now that’s was my mistake I think) , I called my wife on her cell phone and told her to buy certain “ premature “ baby milk Powder for my son and feed him beside the normal feed , I have already give her some money for that kind of needs . Its was 11 am in the afternoon and I also sms her that let me know when you give the formula to him .

Now all day pass by with out any contact and call, I was waiting for her call or sms but I never receive any.

At night around 11.30 I receive her call ,and I ask her have you given him the feed I told you about , she said no and I said why , she said well we never find it from stores .I know that area very well and I know there are five big medical store which remain open 24 hrs ,I said why didn’t u tell me before , if your father , your uncle , and other male person can’t go out and buy it then why didn’t you let me know before , and she its no big deal why you are getting angry over it . then she said my parents wants me to go to there home city so tell me when you will have “ Haqeeqa†and I said I will have it when I want and I don’t have to ask you or your parents before it ( now I know that’s arrogant and but that’s what I said that time ) and then I told her you are not going to anywhere , tell your parents that I don’t want you to go to there home city with my son and she said I can’t say , why don’t you said that too them and I said , If I say it then I will be harsh so its better if you say it and she said no you do it .

 

Now at that point I become really angry and in my anger I have called to her mother on her cell phone and ask her that if they can’t take care of my son and wife then why they want to keep them, she said who said we can’t take care of them , and that’s the start of my hard talking with my wife mother on phone . I have said things in high tone and she reply in high in the high tone, during that she has closed the phone on my face 2 times and I called her back that why she is shutting the phone at face and she said cause your are miss behaving . I said that no that way .anyway later on I disconnected that phone .I never thought this thing become such a big issue that I will not see my son again .

 

Now she is taking revenge from me , and I think nobody else knows it ,when I called her after three days as my wife phone was off , she said to me in a very whispering tone “ Now you will see what I will do to you “ . My wife thinks her mother is innocent and her father think his wife is angel and I am the Villain the bad person, who don’t respect elders and who don’t have any manners. My wife mother is brain washing my wife and now I can feel the total tone change in her voice .She used to talk with me with respect but now for her I am not that important person ,and still she wants me to bring her back to my home .One Phone when I ask her to come back on the buss she can get and she said , I want to come but now things are in elders hand and they will not let me come .She even said that its my planning , since I want to divorce her that’s why I have created this whole mess . This can give you some idea who she is being brain washed .

 

It’s almost 3 months now. My wife mother knows that she has lost her cynical battle but she still wants some win that’s why now she wants that at least I should come to her home first even if I don’t want any meetings of elders.

 

I am sorry for long story, but I have to tell you this cause I felt some of you think I am just getting stubborn for no particular reason.

 

 

I am totally helpless now, every passing day is hell for me but I have no option, even if a bend my knees and go to there and home and ask forgiveness they will not leave me alone. They will make my life hell .

 

In one call my wife said , I am not coming back but even if I come back , you have to change your habits first , now what should I say about it , in another call she said , you are ill mannered person and I don’t want my son to live under your supervision . (Now that hurts, hurts a lot) still that sister said I shouldn’t curse anybody! Sister what else i can do , i am totally helpless

 

Thanks a lot “ Sky “ Allah knows what is right and what is wrong but at least you understand my pain and misery, May Allah Reward you all and nobody else suffer like I am suffering .amen.

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asalamu alaykum

brother u really have made a mountain out a mole hill. in the very first place when ur wife had just given birth to your son you have been very harsh to her instead of being kind and supportive. a small difference in weight of the baby is of no siginificance and u were duly reassured by the doctor as well. and later your anger kept on building up and u called your mother in lawa, shouted at her and thats why she hung up the phone twice. we can not bring the past and set things straight. but u can work on your present for a better future, INSHALLAH. get help from a professional counsellor if available. analyse your attitude. u can ask your family members about it as well . involve your parents/elders to settle the matters between the both of u. may Allah help and guide u , ameen

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The way I see it...

 

If a man is given a reason to worry about his baby he should do whatever he could to make it better.

 

BUT... It just sounds like you were so stressed out and it seemed like the most important thing in the world, so you put a lot of force into it. Unfortunetly it clashed with your mother in law.

 

After a baby is born I imagine it would be a very very stressful time and certain things should be forgiven.

 

From what I understamd, you gave more attitude to her mother than you needed to, becuase you felt it was so important. A normal person would understand how stressful the time was, but her mother isn't a normal person.

 

Her mother got scared that she didn't have all the control, so she decided to take it back. At first she probablly just wanted you to apologize, but as the time goes on each one of you becomes more and more stubborn.

 

As I see it, you acted stressed out and were rude and agressive (if i understand it correctly) and the mother instead of helping you through a tough time, gave you the worst time of your life.

 

You were both wrong, but the mother is a crazy thief!

 

WHAT it comes down to. It doesn't matter what they think of you... she could say "oh i broke his back, now i control him" and all you did was say some words and act a certain way to get your child back.

 

It's not lying if you apologize for being angry, you don't need to apologize for all the other things the woman will throw in there.

 

My advice to you would be, get in there, see how its going. Ignore her, be stronger than her little control games. Visit your wife and child, wait until the time is right and move out.

 

But wait until the time is right.

 

And, yes, I guess that means you have to apologize...

 

But I imagine the joy of having your son back will be overwhelming.

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They have contacted me again . my wife 's father cousin has called me and talked with me . according to him my in laws are now very worried and somehow they can't sleep at night ( which i doubt ) and he said we should find some solution to this problem . he kept on saying that he contacting me on his own and they have not asked me to contact ( which again i doubt very much ) .

 

then he gave me a option that why don't just you and your wife sit together in my pressence and solve your issues .at that point i have asked him why don't you ask my wife whats have complain about me ? in reply he said , your say my husband is very nice and fine with me but his sisters are main issue and they give me ideas and in reply he shouts .

 

Now , i don't know should i laugh over it or bang my head on the wall . now she has started to fabricate stories to make her self innocent victim. my sisters never said anything to my against her at all and normally they take her side when ever i say something against her .

now i have no explanation for there strange behavior .

 

he said my wife father also wants to talk with me alone, i said most wellcome , i don't mind , he can come to my home any time .

then i told him that if they are really concerned for there daughter married life then i have suggestion , i will send my sister and brother in law to there home to bring my wife and son back and later on his father can come and have his words with me . he said ok thats fine , i will let you know after talking with them,

 

now lets see whats next .

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Its just a time game they are playing with me .they just call me to get my views , to see where i stand . then things become quite for 14 or 15 days and then again they call .

This game is going on for last 2 months now .

 

Some people are really too clever , i guess

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Brother,

You are going through the same story that i have been through. My suggestion to you is to just forget about everything/every one and LOVE your wife. So she forget about her mother and every one at her home. your In-Laws dont live in the same city you can control your wife any way U WANT.

Please give it a thought and LOVE your wife.

Love

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and i must add that SHE will come to your home soon inshallah, but the scars on her heart will remain and your will face Consequences later in your life. that i dont want please domt try to ruin your son life its been 3 months u have not seen him and you are mising the first phase to enjoy your lil boys days.

When you meet your son please kiss him from our side and do tell us his name.

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His Name is Aliyaan . I don't want to ruin anybodies life thats why i am not doing anything , just giving pain to myself . What will happens to the scars on my heart ? Will i ever be able to forgive my wife and my in laws for doing all this over a stupid phone call shout from my side?

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Brother , you have said " You are going through the same story that i have been through " Can you tell me how you have manage it ? how things are now ? is every thing back to normal?

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it looks like some doors are opening, dont let them close, dont retract again, talk to the people

 

inshallah it turns out alright

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