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talaash

Marriage Difficulty

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Dear brothers and sisters, Asalamu-alaikum

 

I am 30 years old, have been married for nearly two years. I married my wife out of believe for her good character, and the fact she was from my culture.

 

I was never "in love" with her as such before we got married, but having seen her teh first time I went to propose to her parents, I did not dislike her physically or by character, although I did not spend much time getting to know her.

 

I was a very big supporter of love after marriage, and did not spend time considering what if it didnt actually happen.

 

Though, now, after being with her for nearly 2 years, I cant seem to get attracted to her in a romantic point of view. One of the major reasons I married was not to fall in a situation that I would regret in terms of adultary, as this had happend to me before. I did not feel good about myself and was in fact very ashamed. So I felt this was the right step to complete my religious standing. But no matter how much I have tried I cannot feel attracted physically to my wife, and in fact it has caused me much heartache and confusion. When I was in a prvious relationship without wedlock and my Islamic faith was not as strong, I had no such problems. I was intending to marry that person too but our families came in between unfortunately.

 

I have tried everything I can, and I know that part of not feeling attracted to my wife physically is due to the fact that intellectually and in terms of experience we are very different, and it seems we just cant built an "adult" relationship bond. By that I mean, even though my wife is very nice person, her level of intellect does not correspont to topics I enjoy, such politics, law, culture, religion. She likes to just joke around and is mostly in ahppy mood, but hardly serious.

 

I am probably confusing a few people ehre, I cant pinpoint all aspect of our faults in the relationship, but there is no "spar" or "electricity" in our relationship. We have no kids, and I dont feel that we should have them, as I dont know how long our relationship can withstand the test.

 

I am really considering parting ways, and although it is something I never thought I would ever do after marriage, I cant control how my heart feels, for many reasons to not hurt her I play a different character not to hurt her, but I am in a depressed state all the time. I dont enjoy anything, as I feel guilty and at the same time have no way of fixing the situation.

 

Would I be wrong in considering divorce?

 

Your assistance and views are much appreciated.

 

Kind Regards

Ahmed

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PropellerAds

As salamualikum

 

I think it would be hard to be married to someone who you feel little connection with. This is why it is important to get to know people a bit more beofre marrying them ( within the limits of Islam).

 

Ok you have two main concerns

 

firstly you are not romantically attracted to your wife and secondly you have little intellectual interests in common.

 

I think before i address either of those issues it is important to determine what you want to do. Are you committed to your marriage and wanting to make it work? Or in your heart do you really dont see a future with your wife? Because if you honestly dont have the commitment to want to work on the marriage then any advise we give you is just a waste of time.

 

If you dont want to be with her anymore the best thing you can do for both your sakes is to sit down with your wife and honestly talk to her about what you are feeling.

 

On the other hand my personal opinon is that you probably arent attracted to her physically because you arent on the same level intellectually. Have you made an effort to talk to her about diffrent topics of interest? does she know you would like to talk about serious things sometimes? have you tried to find similar interests with your wife? give and take? do some things she enjoys and also what you want to do?

 

or are you just expecting your wife to be psychic and automatically know what you are thinking? you say you play a "character around your wife" how on earth is she supposed to connect with you on any level if you are not even displaying your honest character and emotions? she may well be doing the same thing herself and only showing you a side of herself she thinks you want to see.

 

Whatever you decide to do the important thing is - sit down with her ASAP and talk really talk about what you are feeling. Be totally honest and LISTEN to how she feels too. Based on this both of you together make a decision about what you want to do. You are both fortunate that thier arent kids involved at the moment.

 

Just remember both of you need to be honest with each other. Bottom line you either have the commitment to stay together or you dont. Either way try to act in a respectful manner at all times.

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Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahee wa Barakatu

 

Firstly,

what you did before your marriage was wrong and I hope you realized that the relationships, before had been sinful and asked Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for forgiveness.

 

 

Secondly,

Marriage is not just about compassion. It is a worship. It is worshipping Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and you married not for yourself, but for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

 

Marriage is about establishing a Muslim family or to something positive for the community in general. it is in Paradise where we will have the pleasure, not in dunia.

 

Don't be too harsh with your wife and don't burden her with something she cannot bear or does not know. You might find something in her that you like.

 

 

According to your description, she seems to be a nice person.

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:D

 

Though, now, after being with her for nearly 2 years, I cant seem to get attracted to her in a romantic point of view.

 

Brother it sounds like to me that you 2 have not got to know each other. Communication is the key here, why not sit down one day and talk to her properly.

 

Ask yourself why you don't feel attracted to her? Put your mind back to time when you first saw her, what made you ask for her hand? lust? her character? . Intellectually there are not many people who i know who come back home everyday and say dear or hubby lets discuss politics science etc. If you feel you want to have these discussions why not log onto an appropriate chat forum and discuss what you want to talk about. To be honest she sounds the opposite of you and that can be a a good thing!

 

Perhaps you have some pre-conceived notions as to what attractiveness is? Clothing? Smell? or perhaps gymnastics within the bedroom? the only way to get things out in the open is to talk to her! and tell her what you want, perhaps there is something she wants you to do.

 

Don't throw a good relationship away :D

 

Talk to her :D

 

:D

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First I want to say that I am secular and this will be a secular point of view so don't take it as an insult or challenging the Islamic way of life. (if it does?)

 

When you worship there must be a dedication and some sort of higher knowledge that keeps you with Islam?

 

And a relationship is a worship to Allah?

 

Some will say, the actually bond, the legal status of marriage is the relationship and that in itself is the prayer to Allah.

 

But how much can a prayer be worth if it is empty?

 

++a muslim before me gave the same opinion so don't get angry at me if I just phrase it differently

 

It is ALL of your life. How many more people would you be able to help if you were in a loveing relationship? How many children could you raise to become good muslims and go on to do amazing things? Loveless marriages will only produce friction, pain, and god forbid children that aren't raised as well as they could be.

 

So obviously IF YOU HAVE COME TO THE FINAL CONCLUSION THAT IT REALLY WONT WORK

 

I would advise a mutual decesion to seperate.

 

But follow what you believe is right, and what you believe is good. I can tell you no more than that.

 

Peace

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Assalamu alaykum

 

It is not an easy decision to make. I think it is wise not to have any children until there is certainty about your marriage.

 

When I read what you wrote, the following questions come to my mind....

 

* Have you and your wife ever had some really good times/moment where you enjoyed each other's company?

 

* Have you tried to get to know your wife well - her likes/dislikes, etc? Is your wife happy with things the way they are now?

 

* Do you feel you have tried everything in your power to make things work?

 

* Have you discussed this situation with your wife? Your parents?

 

* Would you consider counselling?

 

I would not recommend anyone to stay in a marriage that gives no satisfaction. One has to face the facts - you will have to spend the rest of your life with that person and if it is not giving you any joy right now, who says it will change in future. Yet, if there is any small chance of it working, if there is anything good you see in your wife, then consider making every effort to make it work.

 

Make istehara - consult with Allah, cry to Him, tell Him how you feel.

 

Was salaam

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:sl:

 

I haven't read the other posts but want to leave a few things:

 

1)Divorce is a very strong word,so make sure you are 100% sure this is right,if u are 1% uncertain then I would not divorce.

 

Think about it,marriage is also the engagement of the 2 familes so think of the affects the divorce would have on the families.

 

Purpose of Life,

Worship Allah,

 

A pious wife will help you get to heaven,think about it bro?

 

If she has good character and is pious then why divorce?

 

Strive,strive,strive for the hereafter bro,trust once u read about it,if u had to crawl a 10000 miles to get there u would.

 

This life is like a water droplet,the hereafter is an ocean,don't try to get full pleasure from the water droplet as its too small and you'll want more and more.

 

:sl:

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:j:

 

I want to share these I made myself,mashallah,inshallah it'll also help u bro.

 

May this marriage help join the jigsaw pieces of your hearts together.

 

May this marriage be as sweet as the sparkle fruitness of all drops of fruit.

 

May this marriage help strengthen the engagement of the two familes.

 

May this marriage join the petals together and make one elegant red rose.

 

AMEEN. :sl:

 

Listen to your heart bro,how do u really feel about her,

inshallah listening to your heart will help the body and mind to follow.

 

Take Care

 

Bro Aaqib

 

:sl:

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Salam bro,

 

I have definately come to the realization that you MUST be a flexible person when you're in a relatinship. If the other person isn't interested in discussing serius issues, so what? They're just not interested in that stuff. Try talking about something else maybe? I mean everyone likes to joke around from time to time. So be playful with her; there is nothing wrong with that. God tells us that if there is something that you don't like in her then there will be something else that you WILL like in her. So focus on the positives and build the relationship on that inshallah.

 

If she is a good wife, is pious, is loyal, etc. then I don't think you should divorce her b/c those characteristics are very hard to find. However, if she is the exact opposite of those things then maybe it's best to move on.

 

Inshallah this has helped. Otherwise I apologize.

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