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ahm

Marrying your cousin

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:D

 

I would like to say my parents are supportive, but it seems they fill me with negativity and I end up raising my voice. Not out of anger, but becuase I can't explain properly, they don't understand. I even get my sister to translate. I hate when they talk about my cousin, yuck. I even saw her and she looks like my sister YUCK!

 

Mum tries to put doubts in my mind saying how if I look myself and find someone it maybe a "devil woman". I should let family look for me. I'm like fine, but stop mentioning my cousin. And hurry the hell up then! Of course I had difficulty explaining that as well. I don't know what's happening to my language skills, but I asked my sister how do you say xyz in <classified>.

 

I know I should respect my mum, but she doesn't seem to understand and always fills me with doubts and negativity. That if I find someone she will be bad. Mum also says that at least if they find someone for me, then liability lies with them if the marriage fails. (Amazing I'm not even married and she's thinking of divorce). When I say ok find someone and hurry, then they say be patient and I'm like OMG You guys don't move, Gordon Bennet you guys just wait for stuff to fall out of the sky!!

 

When I find someone, why can't they say ok let's check her out, inshallah she'll be good for you, etc. But no, it's "she could be this, could be that, family this, family that" - it's like they putting evil eye on me or something!!!!!

 

:D

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PropellerAds

Asalaamualaikum

 

loooolllllllllllllllllllllllll

lllllllllll sorryyy bro u know im not lauging AT you but i can so relate to your situation!!!!!!! i was just had a huge grin the whole way through that!

 

Well if we look at this Islamically, then obvioulsy marrying your cousin is permissable, but no it is not obligatory. There are certain benefits in marrying your cousins e.g. You can trust the people. But the disadvantage is neck and neck, e.g. family fights!

There's nothing yuck about it, because if it was yuck it would be prohibited in Islam

 

About not trusting someone who isnt related to you... hmm... i can sort of see where they are coming from but this is when trust in Allah swt and Istikhara comes to mind.

Ask your parents what statistics they are referring to when they say that people who dont marry their family end up divorced and girls who arent your cousins are "devil women" (just reminded me of dr faustus play haha)

 

Istikhara is obvioulsy the key word as aforementioned.

 

I think alot of the time (unfortunately) alot ofparents try and trick their kids into doing things the way they want it to be, by coming out with nonsense as such. and it can really mess with a kids head!

 

Alhamdulillah we dont have thsi sort of pressue in our family, instead we're always under pressure to only marry a doctor, lawyer and urdu speaker, (preferably orginating from india - lucknow or hyderbad dhakan if ur lucky) - so as you can see i can relate to your problem, but believe me living in a predominantly asian area i can fully undersand what your going through with this whole cousin marriage thing.

 

All i can suggest is that you put your foot down, considering your the one whos going to marry the girl and spend your whole life with her. insist that your parents atleats take a look at girls outside your family, and then do istikhara?

 

Ma'salaama

Edited by SparklLZz

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I agree, its not yuck to marry a cousin.

 

But if you truely see this girl as a sister, then explain that to your parents. Not about the point that its a cousin.

Edited by Luqman1984

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:D

 

no its not yuck to marry a cousin,

 

have to agree, heard more than enough stories of brothers being cheated by their wives whom they though were "loyal"

 

cousins, "depends how close" are ok

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salama alikum,

no its not yuck to marry a cousin,

:D

 

Especially when she looks like your sister, hello????????????????????????????

 

O_O

 

Look we are allowed some cultural norms in Islam, in my "culture" cousin marriages are discouraged. In my parents it's "ok" and guess what? on my mum's side there are relatives with kids who inherited a disorder because both parents were cousins. Both parents were carriers of a recessive gene - ie if they weren't cousins, it would have been 1 in a million chance (rare). Out of 4, two kids have got the disease and take daily medication, one of them is just a carrier and one is clear (The kids are great though, the youngest is a bit of a pest. May Allah make it easy for these kids and let a cure be found fast. Ameen.) Now knowing that, why would I want to marry a cousin on my mum's side? Mum doesn't get it. Damn I even tried drawing a diagram about inheritance.

 

The illness is not the issue for me. Before that it's:

1. She doesn't speak my language

2. She's uneducated.

3. I saw her without hijab (she doesn't wear it, proabbly doesn't know what it is)

4. She looks like my sister.

5. She looks like my female sibling

6. She looks like my mum's daughter.

7. ... she looks like my dad's daughter.

8. She doesn't live in London.

 

 

:D

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:D

 

The illness is not the issue for me. Before that it's:

 

4.  She looks like my sister.

:P

 

 

Ok with the exception of the above, which actually is the same thing that you've just repeated over and over again, i have the following points...

 

1.  She doesn't speak my language

 

What exactly is 'your language'? English???

 

2.  She's uneducated.

 

Why would this actually matter? (without going into 'a womans place is in the home/kitchen' :D) Were you looking to discuss some philosophy with her?

Or were you hoping that she would be the bread winner in your house?

 

3.  I saw her without hijab (she doesn't wear it, proabbly doesn't know what it is)

 

ummm... girls can actualyl be taught you know?

 

8. She doesn't live in London.

 

Why would this matter? if you marry her you realise she 'can' actually move to london to live with you :P btw i'm a londoner myself, i cant see any real arugment to that point, why would it matter? so according to that point, you would have issues with any girl from outside london, so say a girl from manchester; you would have issues with 'because' shes doesnt live in london...

 

 

Summary;;

 

If she looks like your sister, and feels like a sister to you (someone you physically cant feel sexually attracted to) then your point is made, and just put that across to your parents.

Edited by Luqman1984

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If she looks like your sister, and feels like a sister to you (someone you physically cant feel sexually attracted to) then your point is made, and just put that across to your parents.

 

 

:D

 

Are you MAD??? I don't even know the word for sex in my langauge.

 

Marry her I will be going back a generation, kids will grow up messed up. I see it around me. Even the imam of the Masjid discouraged me from marrying from abroad. It will take 4/5 years to make her literate so that she can go to the doctors, read medicine labels, fill out applications forms, etc. More hassle. Unecessaary. I want to move one and do stuff. Not be held back by having to take the wife to school. Being educated is not about having a career, I'm not interested in a career, I want someone intelligent someone I can relate to, talk to. What the hell am I going to talk to her about? She can't even speak the bloody langauge.

 

If you just want a "body" to use then fine, marry somene uneducated from abroad. But I want body, mind and spirit - physical, mental and spiritual companionship.

 

 

:D

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Were you looking to discuss some philosophy with her?

 

:D

 

Yes, I'd like to have that option.

 

London, so that she has her friends and family nearby, she doesn't feel isolated. My family's not the best in the world.

 

:D

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asalamwalacum...

 

 

OMG brother, just how far is that stick up your .... ?

 

ya'Allah its way too late for me to even begin with replying to your post...

 

I'll leave it to one of the other brothers.... you leave me... speechless.

 

Or i'll prob end up posting a reply tomorrow.

 

"going back a generation.."
:D Edited by Luqman1984

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:D

 

I don't think you should be pressured into marrying anyone. If you don't want to marry your cousin, you don't have to. There are plenty of pious women out there, just find another that suits you. Make your intention pure for Allah, and he will take care of the rest.

 

:D

AS

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AOA,

 

I am with you on this brother, and i can totally related to your situation. A few years ago my parents tried setting me up with my younger cousin by 4 years and I said ABSLUTELY POSITIVELY NO! I mean i played with her when i was younger and we grew up together.. shes practicaly MY sister yes cousin still.. so.. that didnt happen :D

 

But it is advisible to marry outside your gene pool for many biological reasons.. which i'm sure you are well aware of.

 

EZ.

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:D

 

I think brother ahm is being taken the wrong way. If he feels he cannot relate to her due to her education level, that should be accepted. Really, how can you marry a person and live with them for the rest of your life if you can't communicate with them and not be on the same thinking level? True...he can teach her, but thats up to him to do it. And if he doesn't want to, its not our job to coax him to!

 

Just ask your parents who's marrying, you or them. Since its your life, tell them they've gotta let you make your own decision. And if you're not happy about this before marriage, how are you going to be happy after marriage? And they do want you to be happy, right?

 

Mann..thats tough...InshaAllah you'll find pious and compatible wife. :D

 

:P

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:D

 

I understand what your saying. One of the problems that sometimes happens when people marry who they and/or their family "knew": your spouse THINKS they really know you. Because of many assumptions problems occur.

Edited by ummammaar

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Salaam,

 

Look, If you dun wanna marry her, you dun wanna marry her, so dun marry her and make your parents understand. Are your parents desi? Sounds like a Desi situation

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:D

 

Jeez thank Allah for mm or i was gonna post somethin similar to her's!

 

Some people want a partner for status; some want it for initmate relations; some want them as a way to 'complete' themselves; some want partners just to get their gossiping neighbours off their backsides!

 

Some people don't just want a husband/wife. They want a partner in life. A companion. A friend. A counsellor. A beacon of reassurance when all else seems to be going south. We cannot blame such ppl for their preferences.

 

If some people like educated individuals then that choice is entirely up to them! They want to 'narrow the suitors' and they choose to do so. If both parties are mutually consenting to the arrangement then so be it! So lay off i say :P

 

Although gotta admit some of u made me (w00t) and i am sooo thankful for that :P specially the 'minor disagreement btw luqman and ahm. '

 

And umm err come to think of it, i wouldn't know half the dodgy words in my language too....in fact none come to my head after strenous pondering :D ....! :D

Edited by ziggy99

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:D

If you just want a "body" to use then fine, marry somene uneducated from abroad. But I want  body, mind and spirit - physical, mental and spiritual companionship.

:D

 

How can you say this girl has none of the above, just because she came from aboard.. (unless your parents are 2nd generation) are you saying your parents have none of these qualities?

 

by the way your describeing her, seems to me that your saying you are better then her??

 

I also wouldnt consider any girl to be just a "body" as you so describe.

This girl cant just be a walking barbie doll and despite your beliefs, all girls do actually have spirit's..

 

I dont know much about this girl looking like "your sister" as you seem to keep dodgeing that point whenever we say just to put that across to your parents, your not sexually attracted to her as she looks like your sister. Or if you want me put it into a simpler form for you, you could say "i cant sleep with her", "she doesnt look nice (ugly)" or maybe you want me to draw some diagrams for you to use?

 

Despite the above the main issue I've also come to think that you may be a xenophobe, and whats worse is that its not even nationalism, its cityism... and you've picked London of all places... :P

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Salaam wa alaikum

 

i just do no know why there is this big fuss. it is your cousin. Islam allowws you to marry your cousin. i think.

 

he/she doesnt have to have such a beautifulmface. ive always thought looks do not count but persoanlity does.

 

but some people argue you want to wake up beside him/her everyday so you want a beautiful face to see?/

 

anyhow, just wanted to say that

 

Allahfiz

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Salaam

 

Marrying my cousin? :D Hmmm luckily I have no cousins to marry me! :P The ones that are not married yet have been refused by my family due to all the family clashes we will have as my sister is already married to my first cousin. I think it is not an easy situation to be married to someone whom you have played with and been going to school together. :P B)

 

Other reasons why my relatives have turned down is because of the compatibility between myself and the cousin. It is one of the main reasons why it never came to me as my parents already felt uneasy about it. As we are two sisters we were divided between dad side and mum side. My sister is married to the dad side and mum side’s are left with out…lol.. :D :D

 

I wouldn’t like to be married to some one like that as I will always see them as one of my brothers and never feel attracted to them either. Even though Islam allows it this is something that you have to feel comfortable about it too. I think a lot of family pressure grows from it too. :D

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Salaam wa alaikum

Its true what you are saying 'sis-in-Islam'

totallt agreee, but Islam allows it and it is the choice of thw people getting married if they are cousisn and wish to marry.

 

Allahfiz

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Salaam wa alaikum

Its true what you are saying 'sis-in-Islam'

totallt agreee, but Islam allows it and it is the choice of thw people getting married if they are cousisn and wish to marry.

 

Allahfiz

 

 

Thats what i said sister asian. :D

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:D

 

If she's from London her freinds and parents are just minutes away. If her parents are ill and she can go see them easily. I don't want to uproot a sister from her family and friends. I'm too lazy to take her to country x y z. I can't rely on my family as much, hence I would like to have her family nearby as well.

 

I am too far ahead of my cousin, so yeah I am "better". If my parents find me a practising and educated sister from abroad then I'll consider it, but that's highly unlikely. Seem to me my mum just wants someone that will obey her without question?????????? IE - a relative. Even so there are family conlficts so I don't know why she thinks that!

 

:D

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ITS YUCK WHEN YOU THINK OF THEM AS A SISTER OR BROTHER THEN BE EXPECTED TO MARRY THEM!! NOW THAT IS YUCK IM SORRY IF IT SOUNDS CRUDE BUT ITS TRUE

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:D

 

If she's from London her freinds and parents are just minutes away.  If her parents are ill and she can go see them easily.  I don't want to uproot a sister from her family and friends.  I'm too lazy to take her to country x y z.  :D

 

wow you really have a big heart...

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^^ Why do you have to be so damn patronizing?

 

If the brother doesn't want to marry his cousin, that's HIS choice! None of us have the right to put down anyone like that, alright?!

 

If you're so up for marrying a cousin, you marry your cousin. I hope you have a wonderful life together inshaAllah, ameen!

 

=).

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