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motherof2

Help With Marriage

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Firstly I'd like to say hello to everyone as I am new and this is my first post. I don't know where to turn. I am completely alone. It is horrible to be this lonely.

 

I have only converted to Islam this year (thanks to Allah S.W.T. for showing me the right path). I was married two years ago and my husband is Muslim. I am pregnant and due in a couple of weeks but also have a one year old.

 

For the past six months my husband has been very distant from me. He will not spend any time with me. He wakes up, goes to spend time with his friends and is out until early in the morning with them. He is not working after a fall out with my family that has resulted in my family and I having no contact. He will not come near me, he will not even hold my hand. He will not take me out. I can go out on my own, but he won't go anywhere with me. I feel like he's ashamed or embarrassed from me, that's how I feel. He is Arabic and I am Australian and he will tell me about conversations he has where girls come up and ask about his accent and he just says 'I lived in Australia for a while.' He won't tell them he is married to an Australian. And then two days ago he tells me about a Morrocan female he has been flirting with 'for fun' and she now has a crush on him. He is laughing and telling me this but I don't think it's funny. I'm so hurt by it. I am pregnant, sitting at home with my son, alone with NO ONE to talk to (this is not my country - I am living in his) while this girl has my husband asking her how she is in her life. I am just crying inside me. I really do nothing bad. I'm not trying to make out like I am really good and he is bad, but I truly have been above and beyond. I try to avoid arguments, I support him because I know he was going through a bad time after quitting from my parents, I have stood up for him against them, I make sure he has food, his children are cared for, even before I had converted I did everything in my power to introduce my son to Islam (originally I was doing it out of respect for my husband), I try to be affectionate towards him but he turns away from me.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I cry every night. I don't want to displease Allah. I know divorce is the most disliked of all things permitted to be done and I feel like we are so early into our marriage. We have only been married two years. We will soon have two children. Is it haram to give up so early?

 

I try to talk to him about it and he gets angry and starts to yell at me. I don't know what to do. I am afraid if I leave he will take my children from me.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach such a situation? Am I in the wrong here? Should I be doing something that I have not learnt of yet? Is there a way to speak to him to get him to see that he has turned our family from being strong to being non existant? If he doesn't want me, why won't he just say so and not put me through this heartache?

 

I am sorry this is so long, I just have no one else to turn too. I don't want to do something wrong in the eyes of Allah (S.W.T.) while trying to do something right in the eyes of Allah (S.W.T.).

 

Thank you for any guidance you can provide me on this subject, may Allah bless you and be with you.

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:sl:

 

all i can suggest sister is to remind him of the akhirah and his duty towards his wife that Allah has made. and remind him that the prophet (Saw) said that every person will be questioned regarding the people they were reponsible for.

 

Also remind him of the punishment that Allah has prepared for those who commit adultry.

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Salam sister

There are a lot of good Muslims who prays five times and try to do everything Islam requires. One might assume they should be living happy or a problem free life because Allah must be pleased with their effort. The reality is that no matter how good Muslim someone is deep inside or perceived to people outside, everyone would be subject to Allah's test. Anyone can say he believes in Allah, pray 5 times and does everything right but these tests reveal true loyalty to Allah. Your conversion to Islam is certainly worth praising. But, as I said, Allah tests everyone and your current situation could be just a test from Allah. It might be test of your patience, or strength of your faith in Allah in desperate situations or it could be a test for the whole family (e.g. testing your husband's honesty in presence of attractive affair opportunity). Whatever it is, I certainly pray that Allah helps you and you should pray as well by reading quran, prayer, etc (which other members could guide better than me)

 

I've read it somewhere that during pregnancy, women go through a lot of physical and mental changes. This is why doctors usually advise family to take extra care during that period. Before considering anything else, it’s worth considering whether the problem is really as big as it seems or you are feeling unusually emotional about it due to the pregnancy. Maybe your husband himself is confused with good and evil or trying to fight against his evil side. He probably needs some more time and a little reminder about afterlife (as mentioned by previous poster). Try mentioning how meeting him influenced your decision to become Muslim, good memories, or check if he has anything to complain about you.

 

it’s true that no-one can solve your problme but only make suggestion and pray. Whatever happens, please remember that it is easier to break something than create something. Every night has a dawn and every problem, no matter how big; has a solution. Personally I feel really sorry for you as no man in his right mind would do such an act in a time when his wife needs him most. If he is doing all this intentionally out of evil, Allah will get him eventually.

 

Hope that helps.

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Assalamu alaykum & peace dear sister.

 

i have read your posts, and Subhan'Allah i really do feel for you.

 

I have alot of advice to offer you Insha'Allah.

 

Firstly, pray to your Lord, Allah, make sincere Du'a (supplication) to Allah to help you in your situation, to make it easy for you, to replace your burdens/problems with something good. Make a lot of Du'a sister, talk to thy Lord. For sincere Du'a does really work. Whenever you feel sad, angry, upset etc sit down and pray to your Lord, in whatever language you find easy, be it English or urdu or Arabic.

 

Do not consider divorce, as this is a VERY LAST option sister.

 

Make

Next include in your Du'a, supplications and Ayahs (verses) from the Qur'aan.

 

For instance: Surah Taha, Chapter 20 of the Quraan, Verse 26, "Wa yas sir lee am ree" of which the English Equivalent is: Ease my task for me; .

 

Sister, there are many supplications that you can take from the Quraan and include in your own du'a.

 

Do not feel alone sister, for Allah SWT tests us all in different ways. Regard this as your test from your Lord, the Alla Merciful, the Alla Compasionate, the All hearing.

 

I shall get some references and insha'Allah post again in a few hours.

 

Please sister, have Sabr (patience) for Allah is with those who are patient. Do not fret, do not let the Shaytaan trick you into someting displeasing to Allah, lord of the Worlds.

 

This is a test from Allah. Make intense and sincere dua'a whenever you can.

 

Wswr

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Sister, do not apologize, write an essay if you want. We are all Insaan (humans) at the enf of the day and particularly us women we get very emotional sometimes.

 

Turn to your Lord who has granted you many favours and blessings.

 

If Allah wills, your situation will cease and be replaced with something beneficial.

 

Sometimes we are in these tests for a reason, Allah SWT is trying to tell us someting, to get us closer to the worship of Him.

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Assalamu Alaykum

 

Does he fulfill the obligations of a husband toward you, such as providing for the family?

 

Be patient and remember that you are not alone, but Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is with you.

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:sl:

 

Does he pray fives times everyday?

 

Not in any particular order--I wrote as things came to mind:

 

1. Keep up with your faraid towards Allah.

2. Don't oppress anyone.

3. Do duaa for hidaya and for things to get resolved, but do not ask for anything out of anger or emotion. Do not seek revenge in word or action.

4. Sabr

5. Taqwa

6. Tawakal

7. Dress up really flirty and genuinely flirt with him consistently. He probably just needs attention. Act as if each day is your wedding day.

8. Ignore any bad kalaam or actions, since talking hasn't helped.

9. If at all possible, anonymously ask a speaker or imam to address the topic in a khutbah or talk he might attend.

10. Listen to a lecture on such issues while he is in the room, but do not ORDER him to listen to it. This will be your subtle dawah.

11. Keep up with your spousal and motherly obligations.

12. When talking, never do it when he's already in a bad mood, or esp. if he is in a good one. Never do it when he needs to rest either. Don't wake him up to talk about it. Don't hide things under the carpet, but ask gently or it will be labelled as another emotional rant, which will pop up at the wrong time.

13. Think positively.

14. Make sure you fulfill your huqooq al ibaad as you will not be asked about whether they fulfilled yours or not, but they will be.

15. Pray for those misguided girls to get hidaya, too. :sl: their eyes will open, or THEY will be the ones who will get hurt, not you.

16. Cook his favorite meals. You can even turn it into a romantic dinner every weekend or whenever, with candle lights... whatever he/both of you like.

17. You're not his dude, but for a change, if you haven't already done this, see if you can talk about things that interest him. Maybe, it's something you don't know about, for example, wrestling...ask him to tell you about it.

18. I really think he is just craving attention, even more so now that you're pregnant. In my observation, it's something common. It is a test for you, but buy him gifts (ones that he likes, not necessarily what you like for him or think he will like).

19. Get marriage counseling, if possible.

20. If there is a family member who will not tell and has watched all of this behavior between you two, then when he's not there, ask them to subtly advise him.

 

May Allah ease your affairs, and grant you umpteen tons of love, sabr, taqwa, and tawakal, ameen.

Edited by ummammaar

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as salamualikum

 

sounds like a total loser, sorry to hear about your troubles somehow i dont think "cooking his favourite food" is gonna solve this one. what part of australia are you from? there are many diffrent support centres for muslim sisters that i know of as well as convert organisations. I am from perth so if i can be any help just email me - maryamaustralia[at]yahoo(contact admin if its a beneficial link)

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Salamu Alaikum,

 

To get through this you are going to have to talk to people that can support you through this as it is too much to bear on your own.

 

Have you made any Muslim friends? If not, you need to as there is a large Islamic community in Australia. Put up a flyer at your local Masjid (that is anonymous) with just an email address. For example, it could read "New muslimah looking for muslimah friends". Email me at....

 

Also if there are support groups as the previous user states in Australia, please utilize them.

 

Lastly sometimes I email people close to me about things that I am not able to discuss with them in person. This depends on the person though and doesnt work with everyone.

 

May Allah be with you.

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I was really shocked when I saw the thing about the Moroccan female. I'm really glad that you found your way to Islam, but I'm extremely sorry that your husband had to taint it for you. It is extremely unfortunate. Have faith sister. I feel sympathy for you, I wish I could help you :[ You should talk to your local imam if things get worse. Confront your husband and tell him that what he is doing (flirting with the girl) is unislamic, and that if he continues doing it, then he is knowingly violating God's laws. Confront him about his treatment of you as well. You need to find out the true character of your husband, I guess. Good luck sister.

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:sl:

 

Some really good advice have been given by the members above, Mashallah there is at least one thing to take from most of the posts. I hope what I am about to say helps too sister...

 

As a brother, I think that men start to lose interest in the marriage because of some unresolved disputes (I have seen this quite a number of times in the marriages of my community). You mentioned that there was a fallout between your family and husband. It could be possible that your husband does not want to be reminded of this, thus he is taking it out on you (could be intentional or not) by avoiding you, and he is resorting to other activities, most of which are leading to the haraam.

 

Some of the above posts mentioned a hard approach, some a softer one. I would say take a balanced one to deal with the problem. Use the soft approach and ask him why he is acting this way. From your account of things, he is definitely not showing any interest in the marriage and thus you have the right to ask why this is so. But try to find out what his problem is before throwing out accussations.

 

The hard approach would be after this. You have to remind him why you converted to Islam, and you have certain expectations of him as a husband. This could be hard, especially if your husband led that kind of liberal lifestyle before marriage. If that is the case then I suggest you could find an imaam or Muslim family counsellor in your area, to talk to him about this.

 

Keep making dua'a and salaat...I hope things will be brighter for you one day...

 

:sl:

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