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troubledfem

Family Problems, I Am Feeling Hopeless, Suicidal..

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Salaam everyone.

 

I dont know where to start.. because it is pretty long.

 

Well first of all let me tell you about myself. I am in college, I am married, I still live with my parents.

 

now lets go to the heart of the things.

 

When I was working, I met this guy, at work. Well, to let you know, I am not conservative. So I hope and pray you guys dont TRY to judge me. But I cant stop any one from it can I?

So, well he asked me out. We went out, and I started talking about Islam, and he liked it and understood it.

 

So when my mother found out about him, she was obviously hurt, but since she heard that he is interested in Islam, she prayed, that IF he is right, he should convert, and he can be with me.

 

So thats what happened.. he converted and we got married.. ( let me tell you, we did not have sex before marriage)

 

Now the trouble starts, he is Italian, so he left his dad, and moved in with us. ( my dad was really hurt, and that broke my heart but that time I thought i was doing something good, guiding someone to Islam)

 

The trouble is, he is excsessively jealous of my brother, and he talks back at my parents.

Well, to tell you the truth, I am partly to blame, or entirely to blame, because I talk back at my parents. So he kind of sees that.

 

And now we are going through some difficulties, my husband lost his job.. so he cant help anymore.. and yesterday, my brother got into an accident where the car got really bad, he wasnt really hurt, but he got arrested. And thats the only car we have, and my dad uses that car to go work..at 6 am in the morning. So i told my husband, he comes in tells my mother to control my brother, and take away everything (tv, video games computer, and license) the was kinda loud so my mom really got upset. but later on my husband said sorry.

 

My mom kept crying, is fasting..for my brother..

 

And I see my husband playing video games, online and talking to his friends.. and in a very cheerful mood.

So I go there, saying how could he do this? he says he is trying to be in a light mood.. and we start a fight.. and he pushes me out of the room.

 

 

 

 

I just dont know what to say.. he used to pray with my dad, well be in the jamat, I have tried to make him learn some suras, but I think he has some learning disabilities.. (he never could finish highschool)

 

The main problem is that he is really jealous of my brother, actually, thats what I think, he says its because thats the only way to control him.. My brother is another case, he is kind of out of control had gotten in trouble with our car a LOt.. even though he knows thats the only car we have, and we cannot afford another. He drinks, and lies.. No one can really control him in our house.. and my husband cant stand that.

 

It could be that.. or that he is really jealous.. or both.

 

Let me tell you more about my husband..

He Loved him mom, he was the only child.. he grew up in a pretty bad neighborhood, so in order to keep him inside the house.. his mom gave him everything he wanted.. so that spoiled him.. but that was until he was 14 years old..

 

Because his mom died, and he was in denial for a year..

 

And after his mom died, no one wanted him, so he had to go to his dad.. and since his mom hated his dad, he hated his dad himself.. he used to be abusive. and they fought almost every day.

So thats the pattern i see. he is very stubborn and could be cruel..

 

 

 

 

Now, I dont know what to do.. Its because, he is my husband, and I am attached to him..And i am trying to be a good student, i have gotten scholarships. And thats all my parents want from me now.. Is that I get my education..

My heart breaks, seeing my parents sad. I get soo depressed that sometimes, i feel like I might killmyself.. but I cant.

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Lately, I have been thinking of killing myself a Lot..

 

Because the pain is getting too unbearable..

 

one side, its my family, my parents, who are soo down because of my husband's race.. Their social life is gone..

 

And the other side is my husband, who I am trying to guide, and i cant leave him in the middle of the road.. even though it is painful... I feel like its a test.. but I dont know how to handle it..

 

So it leaves me feeling dead.. or asking for death..

 

I want it to be like that so my parents will be respected in society and my husband will be good, and be accepted in the society.. that I could really affect him in this path of guidence.

 

I also want my brother to become a good son.

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To me it sounds like your problem needs to be talked through with someone qualified. By that I mean someone who truely understands life e.g. an Imam.

Whatever you do don't lose faith and don't harm yourself because its not permissible for you. If you husband wont listen to you and cannot provide you with your rights divorce him.

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"If you husband wont listen to you and cannot provide you with your rights divorce him. "

 

this is hard advice, but it is right, sister.

 

it sounds as though this might be the only 'power' or threat you can hold over him, and if you use it - if you explain how you feel, that you are SUICIDAL over this and his behaviour, if you share this with him, and he still does not change - if he is so strongly held within his own problems he cannot change even after such a revelation, then you have to wonder how someone can behave in such a way as to make his own wife consider suicide. Divorce should not be the first choice, but Islam gives YOU the right to choose it if it is necessary. Do not believe this is because of religion, i am utterly certain there are many Muslim women reading this who have Muslim husbands and have similar experience, this is simply the warp and weft of normal life. And most certainly do not start to think it is YOUR fault, and that YOU have to take the burden of this situation - it is obvious you are a loving, and caring person who is being demanded the impossible of.

 

take strength sister, you have a good heart, but even the strongest heart sometimes cannot bear the pain that others carry with them. You have given, and you have tried (of that i am completely certain), but in his wisdom, the Prophet understood that we are but human, and there is a limit to what we can achieve, and gave the final options of divorce. Do not run to it - the advice about a professional (Imam, or secular councillor) is very good advice, it is extraordinary what respected 'Authority' can achieve in the troubled, but at the end of the day, if this man cannot change, if he is unable to grasp the pain you (his Wife!!) is experiencing both through what his happening and his own actions, then the time comes to end the relationship.

 

do not let this put you off non/semi-Muslims, there ARE a few good people amongst us! :sl:

 

sister, Peace and Love, may it reign in your Soul. :sl:

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:sl:

 

Sister, suicide should never be an option to any problem you could possibly have. It won't solve anything, it will only intensify your problems. As Muslims, we believe in the hereafter. And taking away the life that Allah has given you is not going to make you stop hurting upon death. So please, do not even entertain the thought.

 

After every hardship comes relief. Relief either in this world, or the next. And there is no greater relief than Jannah. Have patience and faith in Allah. Take your struggles as a chance to become closer to your creator. If your heart is steady and filled with love for Allah, you will be content with this life. Perhaps this isn't what you wish to hear, but does it really hurt to try? Find a quiet place, and pray to Allah. Ask Him for help and for guidance. If you have Allah as your protector and your ally, you will never be lost nor will you ever be lonely.

 

I would advice you not to divorce your husband just yet, though you do have the option. Choose a time when he is in a good mood and sit down with him to talk. Tell him about what is going on in your life. Talk to him about your suicidal thoughts and your fears. Tell him that you need his support. Maybe he will struck deeply by your words and will change himself to make you happier. But most importantly, don't let him take you for granted. If he believes that he will never lose you regardless of how he acts, he will never change toward you. Let him know how serious the situation is, and that you're willing to consider separation if it means having the chance to be happy.

 

Don't ever mistreat your mother, nor let anyone mistreat her. Protect her. Show her love and kindness. She raised you, didn't she? Mothers are so incredibly precious; only they know what they go through for their children. Don't let her down, and don't watch silently as someone else hurts her.

 

Another thing I would advice you to do is to spend time around people. Don't spend too much time by yourself if you are depressed, because you will only wallow in your unhappy thoughts and be overwhelmed. If there is a Masjid near you, try to start attending prayer and connecting yourself to sisters. The more you spend your time around positive people, the more it uplifts your own spirits. Plus, maybe you can gain Ibadah (good deeds) if you spend more time around people who will improve you in your religion.

 

You'll be fine. You just need strength and faith, and insha'Allah, you will get through it. May Allah help you find peace and stability in your life.

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You need some professional help and some support from people within your community. I'm sure there are support groups for Muslims with family problems. You can't bear this alone - please try and seek some help. Try this link or google "support for muslim women" or something, you sound desperate.

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetangelfire(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/mo/MWSA/"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetangelfire(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/mo/MWSA/[/url]

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asalam alaikum sister

you should submit ur question to some professional. i can giv u a very useful link

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetislamonline(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/servlet/Satellite?cid=1111998297572&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/Page/CyberCounselE"]Cyber Counselling[/url]

 

From u letter i dont see anything significantly bad in ur husband. Im not blaming u in any sense but ur family atmospher doesnt seem very idealistic as well. your brother doesnt listen to anyone, u talk back to ur parents. Each one of us continously needs to grow through out o ur lives. So should u, ur brot her and ur husband as well. Ur husband came to Islam through u. He married u. U accepted him with all his positives and negatives. U shud mend the negatives in you and set a gud example for ur husband. U r fortunately a born muslim. Ur husband is new to Islam.

 

Read about the life histories of great Muslim women and their family lives. Both of u can learn a lot from this. Read the biograpy of Our Dear Prophet Muhammad sallallaho alaihi wasallam. How he treated his wives and what are His teachings regarding attitude towards one spouse, towards ones parents and the rest of the family and the people in general. Try to incorporate it in ur own life and gradually into the life of ur families. But through ur action only. Dont argue with ur parents or u r husband. Be polite to everyone as much as u can...pray a lot and ask Allah to help u and ur family get ouf of this crisis.

 

 

And whosoever puts his trust in Allah , HE is sufficient for him(QURAN chapter 65:verse 3)

Edited by Nughair

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Thank you Brothers and Sisters..

right now things are fine..

 

Its just that, we are trying to find a job for my husband.. he cant seem to have a job.. What I have wanted always ws to get a job at an Islamic place.. so he will learn more..

I am not sure where should I look..

 

another problem is that husband doesnt really want to speak to my brother.. he is still irritated by him..

I see his point.. because he wrecked the car... and my parents are still not disciplining him (my brother)

so my husband is angry because of that.

 

If I say something.. both my parents and my brother screams at me. So a job for my husband would mke it easier i belive.

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Sister, your problems are complicated, and a reason for those complications is that apparently (and yes I think you need to accept being judged here) you and your family seem to be ignoring so many small problems until they compounded into an unbearable life.

 

Sometimes people think that a good intention and commitment to Islam means that God will sort out your life for you. That is obviously not true (despite all the secret thoughts we have from time to time). You are responsible for your life and your actions, not those of others, and equally you should focus on WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF.

 

Your parents have obviously not spent enough effort on making your brother a responsible person. Accidents happen but there is insurance, and above insurance there are savings, and above savings there are jobs for all adults of the family, and before all that there is proper planning for let's say a second US$1000 support car to keep the family of five adults mobile. Before all that, we marry people as per Islam someone whom we accept and like his religion and values. You introduced him to Islam, good, you didn't have to marry him! Sorry, i may be presumptious if I even say you didn't have to adopt that puppy, because the way you describe him he sounds like a troubled puppy you emotionaly got attached to so you can fix him up. Reason I said that is everything you said about him are his problems, yet you said you're attached to him. Why did you marry an Italian guy who did not finish high school, hates his father (naturally then stays away from him and gets into altercations with him, which is unacceptable by any standard in Islam) and even when he did have a job he could not live with you on your own and moved in with your parents?! A major portion of your message is about how your husband is jealous of your brother and talks back to your parents, that he played video games after a crisis and you fought with him, that your parents didn't do anything about your brother being reckless (you don't get arrested unless he was doing something seriously wrong) and wrecked the car. STOP! Back up and focus on what YOU need to do for YOU:

 

1- First thing you need to change is how you deal with your parents. Talking back and fighting with your parents and hurting their feelings is the biggest sin you can do in Islam. Nothing is more vital than this and do not expect anything in your life to be blessed when you're doing that.

2- Ask yourself why did God put obligations on the wife and obligations on the husband if it is not to maintain the balance of rights. A wife HAS a right to her own separate quarters, either in a separate house or at least a room in HIS FAMILY's home. Not being able to provide shelter and now not being able to provide anything, while still enjoying video games and online chatting is a serious deficiency. However, you cannot control what HE does, you can control what YOU do, and that is by stating that you insist on seeing him working or you will seek a divorce.

3- Having all of you in one home (and now with NO cars) while no one is comfortable financially is a natural stressful situation and there are bound to be problems about ANYTHING. What you described (husband jealous of brother, husband mad at brother wrecking car, etc.) all these are symptoms of frustrated individuals. You need to find the root of that frustration like others suggested through professional counciling, and I suggest the members of your family be part of it too.

4- No, your husband doesn't have a point in being mad and abusive towards your brother. It's none of his business how your family runs even though it isn't ideal how they pampered your brother. You shouldn't anyway be a conduit of his grief towards your parents, as I said refer to point number one: arguing with your parents and hurting their feelings whether you are right or wrong is a grave sin and God promised misery in life and death to anyone who does that.

 

Sister, sort things out. I have a strong feeling that you will come back with "it's not that simple" aqnd you will start talking about your feelings for your husband and how he's not that bad and that he's trying to get a job, and therefore you won't want to leave him, and then talk about how your brother is and get into all the details that will reflect the complexity that is in your mind. Well, good luck to you, but trust me, your salvation lies in making tough decisions and executing them, and most importantly start looking with completely different eyes towards your parents.

 

Your husband not getting along with your brother, who you, him and your husband are still living

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Assalamualekum sister

 

You told that your brother drink and also rude. I didn't find any reason to jealous such kind of guy. May be your husband doesnt like your Brother that's all.

 

Your story seems to be concocted lol. I'm sorry but brother who drink broke the car, husband convert, angry and jealous, you backbiting, father is also not happy. It seems everything is a mess in your family.

 

Are you religious? Sorry but your story is confusing.

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I think a starting point would be to not get so overwhelmed by your emotions and actually approach your husband and parents calmly. It makes some difference. Also understand your natural responsibility around your husband and family, but ultimately upon yourself - so as to not burden yourself with irrelevant things.

 

But don't you alone make every effort to sort things out -- you need to somehow talk to your husband and determine a healthy marriage and so often this has to occur at the right time, place and mood. I'm guessing you'll require arbitrators to guide you in the matter. Try it before making final decisions as to whether you can be happy remaining in the marriage or not.

 

Salam

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Assalamo alaikom wa rahmato Allah

 

Salam to you and your family, and may Allah help you all, ease your problems and make you live in peace and harmony. I would suggest that you send your problem to some websites where knowledgeable scholars and specialists (even psychologic counselers) will answer your questions in a proffessional and wise way.

 

I recommend the following websites

 

######islamonline(contact admin if its a beneficial link)

######amjaonline(contact admin if its a beneficial link)

######islamtoday(contact admin if its a beneficial link)

 

Feeling suicidal should be taken seriously, and treated immediately. However, cheer up!!! Allah subhanaho wa taala is very generous and merciful. You SHOULD trust that He will help you. You just need to be patient. Yes! I know how hard being patient is. We all suffer from difficulties and bad times at some stage of our lives, and faith is the strongest weapon we can use in such situations.

 

I would also recommend praying a lot, reading Quran and mentioning Allah swt. This brings big relief into a Muslim's soul. Also read some articles and stories related to your problem in the above-mentioned websites (or any other TRUSTED Islamic websites)

 

Good luck and God bless you all.

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Salaams

 

First of all, you need to take a step back and look at the situation.

 

Firstly, did ur husband convert just to please you? Is he praying? Fasting..... if the answer is no to these you need to look into if he is a Muslim or not? If he is not you have to divorce him. A person that has not prayed for three days is considered as one that has left Islam..... so you need to step back and look at all of this.

 

secondly, Italians are hard... your brother seems as if he has a behavior problem and an attitude problem and needs an attitude adjustment. Maybe he is just trying to help out and is harsh.

 

He should try to get a job at the local Masjid... or Islamic book store if there are any around where you live, if he is really serious about Islam.

 

Lastly, All of you need family therapy... not just u and him but ur entire family since u are all living together. I would check in the community to see if there is a Muslim psychologist practicing there. Do not go to a non Muslim because they would not understand the circumstances. If u can't find one in ur community, go to the local imam.

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