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At Wits' End

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Salamalaikum brothers and sisters,

 

I... have a problem. ._. The year so far has been full of extreme emotional turmoil for me, but only on the internet- with my online friends. I call them friends, but I don't think friends are supposed to make you feel so loved one moment and absolutely devastated and worthless the next. The problem with the internet is that you can never tell what emotion is behind the words, really- or what little nuances might mean overall. But I've never had that before except quite recently- as I said, this past year- with certain online friends. I suppose the fact that I've chatted with them, been through some emotional hardships online with them- never a fight, only against other people- means that I'm closer to them than others. But that also gives them the capacity to hurt me more than others.

 

They are not Muslim, but they know I am. Religion has never been an issue between us because they are mature, accepting, etc. However, I always have to hold back at times because of that, and while I don't have an issue with that- after all, I'm following my deen- I think it just makes me a not-fun person to be with. And that hurts, really hurts, when I see them so much more happier without me, and then they have to include me in everything they do. Why?! Just so I can sit on the sidelines and watch?! They don't want me, that's the aura I keep getting. So why did they invite me everywhere, to private posts and communities and everything else where I can't participate, not only because I'm Muslim but because they don't need me there? They're HAPPY without me. It HURTS me to be there.

 

The problem is... ya Allah, I can't even think clearly right now... that I'm trying to pull myself away from them. In fact, I've done it numerous times, and I'm thinking that as soon as Ramadan rolls around I'll just quit the internet forever since it's causing me so much grief. But each time I try, they tug me back and then proceed to alienate me once more. It's getting to the point that I'm not only crying but left feeling like a worthless, useless waste of online space even though I have other online friends who are much nicer to me, although somewhat distant.

 

The last six months have been horrible for me because of these young women, and I hate to say that because I know they only have as much influence on me as I let them. I've fallen behind everywhere. Academics, real social life, family, even in my prayers and recitation- although that was going down, I am ashamed to say, anyway.

 

What's killing me most of all is that I feel entirely too ashamed to turn to Allah (SWT) for help when He has blessed me so much already. I feel ungrateful, and I want to just run away and live in a cave and make up for all my lost prayers and my lost iman until death catches up to me. I can't turn to my family, I can't turn to my RL friends, because no one would understand and their counsel would be ineffective. I can't bring myself to pray anymore because I feel like a hypocrite, and I force myself to do things that I don't even want to and that I know are wrong- like listen to music- just to give myself an emotional, positive high. My thoughts are dark, dull; I feel listless and desperate at the same time because I know that time- that this life- is running out. I'm having nightmares. Dreams where I'm dying, where my family is gone, where my RL friends are saying all sorts of horrendous things to me. Dreams where I'm losing my mind, becoming possessed or worse. Other things are getting affected too- my manners which, and believe me, I am not being arrogant when I say this, were always impeccable are now becoming terrible. I'm more rude, less patient, quicker to lose my temper...

 

I'm going mad. And it's hilarious to think that this is mostly being caused by people on the GODDAMNED INTERNET who I thought I gave up on a month ago, but who still have so much control over my happiness. They're not that important, though. What's important is... how do I get my religion back on track? And I can't give up on the internet, as much as I want to. I have too many responsibilities and duties on it, horrible things that they are, that I cannot abandon. And trust me, I know more than anyone else how hypocritical that sounds- that I can keep my duties to people, but not to God. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I--...

 

 

I'm so sorry, this must sound completely infantile. Forgive me. If anyone has any words of help, they will be like water to a thirsty man in a desert. Much obliged,

Your Sister in Faith

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Salaam sister,

the only thing i can say to you is to break these ties with your online friends and focus more on the people who are around you, make relationships stronger with your family or neighbours or sisters who can guide your to the straight path. And soon you wll realise you will not need these friends. You dont need to feel as if you have to hide in a cave and pray to make up for your lost prayers because remeber Allah Swt is the most merciful, the most forgiving,

I suggest you read prayer, pray, read the quran even if it a few pages a day and strengthen the relationship with you and your creator and you will feel ease, the worlds worries will be off your shouders and the most important thing, have faith in Allah SWT and these online friends wont matter to you anymore. If they call you back think... why should i waste my time with them?

I understand you may not be able to give up on the internet but restrict its use for any important use.

As Ramadhan is coming up i suggest you use this time wisely as it is a really important time.

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Wasalam sister,

 

Thank you for your kind advice ♥ I am making plans to do so starting tomorrow at Fajr. InshAllah, Allah will Forgive me and help me, and InshAllah you will be rewarded for your words!

 

As for my friends, I do not think I will be able to break ties with them. :sl: They don't know how I feel and the last thing I want for them to think is that I am trying to be rude.

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Salaam sis,

 

Lessen the value you put into the time spent online with your friends. You don't have to necessarily quit talking to them at all... but, gradually reduce your time with them -- and while you're reducing it, increase activity elsewhere and you'll find that you'll enjoy doing many things to keep yourself occupied. I think if you cut lines off altogether with them and start concentrating 100% in trying to revive things, it will feel like a burden... so take it one step at a time... and as someone mentioned already - Ramadan is approaching and it'll help you a great deal, especially one out of many important stuff being that you'll value your family and friends more.

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I am totally

the opposite to you When a friend doesn't treat me good then its easy for me to cut ties with them

because i feel like if they won't be good to me and treat me with kindness and respect then why

should i allow myself to get stomp on. That is why now i have zero friends, at times it hurts but for the most part i find that iam happiest when i don't have negative people around me alhamdulilah, and i much rather be without friends then to have bad ones. One more thing dear sister don't stop your prayers for anyone because when you stop fulfilling your Islamic duties then more problems will accur and i don't think you would like that. Insha Allah let your deen be your main focus from now on insha Allah. May Allah bring ease to you, ameen.

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:sl:

I say this to myself first...

 

Patience is they key.

 

It's one thing saying ofcourse, but in practising patience is another thing.

 

But remember, Allah (SWT) loves us more than our Parents do.

 

We should always turn to Allah (SWT) in both good times, and bad times.

 

Truth is, nobody is happy without the will of Allah (SWT). So we need to stay focused.

 

Whatever we're struggling with i.e Money, Family, Friends etc. Will Insha'Allah only be solved by putting Islam first, and our trust in Allah (SWT).

 

Sooner or later, you will naturally have little intrest for your online friends and wasting time, and be more focused Islamically, which will Insha'Allah improve your life i.e. Academdically.

 

Again, i say this to myself first.

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