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How Do I Set Things Right?

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Assalamalaikum!

 

I know Its not right to talk openly about sins, but I really need help and I hope I will get it, Insha Allah!! I really hope Allah Ta'ala will forgive me...

I Did not have much knowledge of Islam before and there were not many restrictions at home. I was like free to do anything. Five years ago, I met a guy over the internet and soon got into a relationship with him. This continued, I met him later and it got very very far. I was also in the company of a girl, whom I called my best friend. She was also not so righteous. These people have their own ''versions'' of Islam, or whatever you call it. She said,'' its enough if two people who love each other consider each other wife and husband...'' and things like that. First, I never had a real knowledge of Islam but somewhere in my heart, I always knew what I was doing was totally wrong, but never tried to stop and think. Whenever I was faced with this right or wrong thing in my mind, I used to tell myself that truly I consider this person as my husband. Apart from that, this relationship was a secret. I never told any1 about it and I knew my mother wouldn't accept it. It was difficult to get out of it. It was almost impossible for me to get out of this relationship all these years. Last year, somehow my family came to know about it and I was faced with so many new problems. My mother was crying, my brothers angry... I still didn't care, but at this point of time, I started praying. Just did dat but persisted in all other bad things.

 

Few days back, I don't know how, but I just realized that each and everything I did, all my life, including dat relationship was so so wrong. My life seemed surrounded with sins and everything bad. I stopped all contact with this person and I haven't contacted him till now. I repented before Allah and started praying, fasting etc. I know that my repentance is true and so does Allah. Just when I was becoming positive that Allah would forgive me, I have come up with a new problem. My parents are arranging a marriage for me with some one else and I m feeling very scared. I m not able to imagine the thought of marrying some one else as I still have love for the person I met before. My mother is really hurt by my refusal. She says that Allah Ta'ala will never forgive me and even she wont forgive me. I have repented sincerely n I have promised my self that I d never meet this man until I get married to him. I tried to obey my mother and consider her but I don't think that my love for that person will go away and wouldn't it be wrong for the person whom she wants me to marry?? I am really very confused. I don't want to hurt my mother but at the same time I dont want to marry someone else. I tried to forget that person But I am not able to do so. I also fear that if I marry some one else, I wont be able to forget the person I love and do something wrong. I dont want to return to any sin I committed in my past. All this is effecting my mother's health too. Please give me a solution to this problem. I am praying to Allah that I forget my past n him, but I am just not able to do so. Will Allah Ta'ala not forgive me? Does my mother have the right to force me to marry someone else? I know that I am sincere in my repentance but forgetting that person is out of my control. I even avoid his thoughts all the time but I cant think of marrying another person at all. Sometimes, I can't stop myself from thinking about this person and when this happens, I feel very guilty and scared, as if I did something very wrong. This person whom I still want to marry is also not so righteous, obviously, but I know that I can change him if I marry him, Insha Allah. I really don't know whats right now and whats not. I have nothing to do right now except waiting. I try to occupy myself with prayers and other good work, but this fear comes back to me when I think about my future. I am not able to forget my past and I believe that I can set things right, but my mother is totally opposing this marriage. I don't want to lose him.I feel sad and loney all the time. I just want to take a decision and remove this problem forever. I want to move on with my new life and lead a perfect Islamic life, Insha'Allah. All this is confusing and scary!! Please help me. I really need some good advice.

 

 

Lastly, would it be right if I take his sister's advice, who knows me well?? Will contacting her ( ONLY ONLY HER) mean breaking the promise I made to myself( of never contacting this guy)????? I want to talk to her for help but I am very hesitant to do so!!!

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PropellerAds

‘Abdullaah Ibn ‘Abbaas said, “Allah has commanded (the Muslims) to get married, and He has encouraged and enticed them for it. So He has commanded to marry off their free-men and slaves (i.e., all those under their protection), and He has then promised them richness as a result.“

 

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The Prophet (salAllahu alehay wassalam) said,

 

“ Young men, whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so, for it is more effective in lowering one’s gaze and guarding one’s chastity.

 

Whoever cannot afford that, then let him fast, for it will be a shield for him.â€

 

(al-Bukhaari; Muslim).

 

[using large font size is not allowed]

 

To who is your problem beloved sirster. Tell your parents to find you someone righteous? Tell them to fid someone who is:

Fussy about halal and Haram.

Religious.

Does not reject the poor even if he is good and can support a family.

 

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetyoutube(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/watch?v=m9CHEhZL0OA"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetyoutube(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/watch?v=m9CHEhZL0OA[/url]

Ths video will g ive the best advice. Listen to the right side though.

 

 

And read ths thread:

The Islamic knowledge is vast. It would be the best to ask a shaykh, or someone more knowledgeable should respond.

 

There is so much. Divorce is not something you take lightly. Obedience to parents is very important, and so on.

 

As humans, we go by our desires. Our physical attractions and we don't make the right decisions. If I had 3 man for a choice: One who is a muscle man, other who is smart, cutie, etc... I would choose the smart one. But this is also physical attraction. Attaractions makes it look like he is smart. I convince myself of it, when in reality, I don't even know what is true, essential kowledge. If her family doesn't like the man, his culture etc...she will spend her life defending the guy. This is not the "happy" way. Tell her this.

 

She can object. I hope othes help you more.

Woman’s right to refuse marriage to someonehttp://you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/60/FORCED%20MARRIAGE%20VALID

The first hadeeth:

 

If he whose character and deen (practice of religion) pleases you, approaches you in marriage, then marry him, for if you don’t, their will be fitna in the land and vast corruption. (Tirmidhi and others, see Sunan Tirmidhi #1085 and it is hassan (reliable) as per Sahih ul-Jaami’ #270). (“fitna†here can be understood to refer to the temptation for fornication, enmity and the cutting off of relations among the people and relatives, and the spreading of hatred)

 

The second:

 

Buraida (may Allah be pleased with him) said that a young woman came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said, “My father married me to his brother’s son (i.e. her cousin) in order to raise his standing among the people,†so the Prophet (peace be upon him) put the matter in her hands (i.e. asserted that the validity of the marriage is conditioned on her approval and negated by her refusal). So she said, “I authorize and endorse what he has done but I wanted women to know that fathers cannot force their will in these matters.â€

 

And it was narrated by Nisaa’I via Abdullah ibn Buraida via Aa’isha that a young woman came to her and said, “My father married me to his brother’s son in order to raise his standing among the people and I am unwilling (to agree to it)â€, so she said, “Sit until the Prophet (peace be upon him) comes.†So the Prophet (peace be upon him) came and she informed him of the situation, so he sent for her father and invited him (over) and asserted that the matter is in the bride’s hands. So she said, “Oh Prophet of Allah I have authorized and endorsed what my father has done, but I wanted to know if women had a say in the matter or not.†(Sunan al-Nisaa’I, Kitaab al-Nikaah min Sunanihi and it is sahih).

 

 

Lastly, women need the potection of government,parents and husband:

 

So, both the guardian and the woman must agree to the marriage. With regard to your request for our advice regarding the problem mentioned in the question, so long as this marriage has taken place, it is better for the woman to try to keep it going as much as she can, and to try to accept this husband. She should seek reward through pleasing her parents and also try to reform her husband through a gentle approach and praying for guidance for him. And Allaah is the Source of Strength

 

 

 

 

It is not permissible for a woman to be made to marry someone she does not want. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman should not be married without being consulted, and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.†They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given?†He said, “By her silence.†(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6455).

 

‘Aa’ishah reported that a girl came to her and said, “My father married me to his brother’s son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [i was forced into it].†‘Aa’ishah said, “Sit here until the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and she told him about the girl. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for her father, then he gave the girl the choice of what to do. She said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to prove something to other women.†(Reported by al-Nisaa’i, 3217).

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/4602/FORCED%20MARRIAGE"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/4602/FORCED%20MARRIAGE[/url]

 

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetgawaher(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/index.php?showtopic=732000.html&"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetgawaher(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/index.php?showtopic=732000.html&[/url] Edited by Orthodox

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`hmmm....i did persuade my mother...i am happy...and she wont be marrying me to anyone else..she said that she wouldn't think about my marriage for 2 years at least!!

so for now, I dont have any extra problems to think of!! Alhamdulillah!!

 

the links you mentioned above were very useful but i have already gone through the Islamic q-a website, but i want a solution to MY problem...its not same as others'...

so now 1 thing remains...i want this person to repent sincerely too and understand Islam...how do i make him do this without contacting him...contacting him is out of question...how do i know whthere he's even willing to change or not???????

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Do we qualfy for daw'ah?

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/10210"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/10210[/url]

 

Originally Posted by IslamQA

 

This has been discussed in the answer to question no. 1497 where it says:

 

Speaking with a woman to whom one is not related (i.e., not mahram) should only be for a specific need, such as asking a question, buying or selling, asking about the head of the household, and so on. Such conversations should be brief, with nothing doubtful in either what is said or how it is said.

 

The idea of limiting speech with women to the five instances mentioned in the question – which are: to ask how her family is, for medical purposes, for financial purposes (e.g. in a shop), to find out about her personality for marriage suitability and to give her dawah (Islamic knowledge) – needs to be approached with caution, because they could be taken as examples instead of limits. One must also adhere to the conditions set out by the Sharee’ah even in instances where such conversations are necessary, such as in da’wah, giving fatwas, buying or selling, etc. And Allaah knows best.

 

In the answer to question no. 1121 it says:

 

Women are not prevented from talking to non-mahram men when it is necessary to do so, such as dealing directly with them when buying things or conducting any other financial transaction, because in such cases it is necessary for both parties to speak. A woman may also ask a scholar about some legal Islamic matter, or a man may ask a woman such questions, as is proven in various texts of the Qur’aan and Sunnah. Within the guidelines described above, there is nothing wrong with a woman speaking to a non-mahram man. It is also permissible for men to greet women with salaam and vice versa, according to the most correct opinion, but this greeting must be free of anything that may provoke desire in the person in whose heart is a disease, so as to be safe from fitnah and pay attention to the regulations outlined above.

 

If there is fear of fitnah being provoked by this greeting, then the woman should refrain from either initiating or returning the greeting, because warding off fitnah by neglecting the greeting is warding off mischief, and warding off mischief takes precedence over doing something useful. (See al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah by ‘Abd al-Kareem Zaydaan, vol. 3/276). And Allaah knows best.

 

Thus it is known that we do not mean general talk for no need, or a great deal of private talk. Rather it should be just as much as is needed in order to reply.

 

Going into detail in permissible talk or in shar’i matters when there is no need for that leads to removal of barriers between the two parties, which may lead to negative consequences.

 

 

 

Praise be to Allaah

 

May Allaah reward you for your pride in your religion and your desire to call others to Allaah. But you should note that a woman does not have to call men directly without a mahram, because of the fitnah (temptation) involved in that.

 

We advise you, and other women, to train yourself to obey Allaah and to fulfil your duties towards Allaah and towards your husband, family and children. Call women to Allaah as much as you can, by speaking up or by reading books or by giving useful tapes or books, or by organizing a study-circle if you have sufficient knowledge, or by speaking out if your friends do something wrong, or by offering advice to your sisters and by playing a part in helping them to solve their social problems, and so on.

 

With regard to your refraining from da’wah because of shyness, this does not justify giving up da’wah, and it is a kind of blameworthy shyness. But you should note that every action that a person does may be difficult in the beginning and may make him feel shy sometimes, but if he persists in it, it will become second-nature to him, and it may reach the level that he cannot do without it. So you have to strive and be patient, because calling people to Allaah, which includes enjoining that which is good and forbidding that which is evil, needs patience, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

 

“By Al‑‘Asr (the time).

Verily, man is in loss,

 

Except those who believe (in Islamic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth [i.e. order one another to perform all kinds of good deeds (Al‑Ma‘roof) which Allaah has ordained, and abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds (Al‑Munkar) which Allaah has forbidden], and recommend one another to patience (for the sufferings, harms, and injuries which one may encounter in Allaah’s Cause during preaching His religion of Islamic Monotheism or Jihad)â€

 

[al-‘Asr 103:1-3]

 

 

Patience in making da’wah is a characteristic of the believers, and is one of the means of salvation from loss, from which no one is saved but those whom Allaah mentions in this soorah. They are the ones who combine four characteristics:

 

 

1- Faith, which can only come through knowledge of Allaah, His Messenger and the religion of Islam.

2- Acting upon this knowledge.

3- Calling others to this knowledge.

4- Patiently bearing any harm that comes for the sake of gaining this knowledge, acting upon it and calling others to it.

 

Will regard to calling people via the internet, this is something that is essential, but our advice to you and to every girl is to avoid it, because of the dangers involved, from which few are saved apart from those whom Allaah protects. There are some people who have undertaken to carry out this great mission, which needs deep knowledge that will ward off doubts, and sincere faith that will ward off the influence of whims and desires. But for those who enter into this work without these two weapons or with only one of them, they are rarely safe from its pitfalls. But if you meet these two conditions then you can enter this field.

 

Moreover you have done well by starting to wear hijaab, which is obligatory upon Muslim women because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

 

“O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks (veils) all over their bodies (i.e. screen themselves completely except the eyes or one eye to see the way). That will be better, that they should be known (as free respectable women) so as not to be annoyed. And Allaah is Ever Oft‑Forgiving, Most Mercifulâ€

[al-Ahzaab 33:59]

 

Allaah has mentioned the wisdom behind hijaab in this verse, which is to protect women against ignorant men. Praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds.

 

(you are not allowed to post links yet)"you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/13484/women%20dawah"]you can't post links until you reach 50 posts_you are not allowed to post links yetIslam-qa(contact admin if its a beneficial link)/en/ref/13484/women%20dawah[/url]

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Asalamu alaikoom my best advice is to repent to Allah with clean pure intentions. Break all ties with the internet husband and his family . Its all fitnah to me. Marry the choice of your family because they love you already. But Allah knows what's best. Pray istiqara to get a better answer. I was in a similar situation bes ana khalas. I'm done I'm old now and have no chances of ever being happy again my lifes done. For you I guess that you have a great life ahead. InshAllah you will be fine. Repent and do right among your family.

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thank you so much sister .. i stand at the same position as your old friend (just that we haven't got caught).. your question has answered my questions ..

 

thank you once again

 

i know its hard to forget somebody whom ur so close to.. or have been close to ..

i'm in no position to answer your question but i have a advice .. keep on trying to convince ur parents.. your parents have given you time .. now let the guy take action (u don't provoke him or contact him).. if he really love you he will get to your parents..

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asalamu alykum

sister what u have done was a great sin indeed..and its good that u have repented now...its time to move on.

if that man is sincere he would have approached ur parents...u have already stated that he is morally corrupt..

dont be in an illusion that u can change him after marriage..

pray istikhara...and cut off all ties with that man

mean while try to convince ur parents to at least delay your marriage plans for a while so that u have tiem to think..

right now you are not stable emotionally and thus can not decide..give urself some time

pray,read quran and make istikhara...confide in your mother and seek her consultation as well.

 

 

 

Rasool Allah (SallAllahu Alayhi WaSallam) said:

 

“You will never give up a thing for the sake of Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, but Allah will replace it for you with something that is better for you than it.â€

 

(Ahmad Hadith No. 22565)

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(The) person whom I still want to marry is also not so righteous, obviously, but I know that I can change him if I marry him

This is merely my own experience, but I do not know of any relationships that started out this way that worked out well. Let him change for the better on his own (with gods help), and then let him come for your hand in marriage. It is not your job to change him, and I fear it will not end well if you marry him with this in mind. Your best choice is to place all of these matters in gods hands and then put them out of your mind as best as you can. If it is gods will he will bring the two of you together and both of you will be better muslims for having trusted in god than trying to force things by your own hand.

Edited by the sad clown

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I had started this topic months ago and it seems like a long journey from then till now!!!

 

I did not get any immediate replies, except 1, so I stopped checking this. Suddenly, I remembered and read the rest of the replies!

 

I hope those who read my question will read this too.

 

Well, after that change, I did put my trust in Allah. I thought of all possible things, but I definitely did not want to anger Allah and hurt my mom by being stubborn. I took advice from my friends and surprisingly, they supported me in this and helped me 'forget' him. Not the Islamic way, but they felt that he never deserved me. And yes, he never bothered to contact my parents or me!

 

After breaking ties with him, I had a lot of free time which I used to gain my knowledge of Islam and I spent time with my mother too. I started loving her more. I even like my brother now, whom I used to hate at times.

 

I just put my energy in good things and I really don't remember how and when I let it go....

 

Then ramadan came and it was the most beautiful period of my life till now! I never even thought about him during that month. I was happy like never before. I was truly truly happy!

 

Now ramadan is over, I am continuing my studies ( which had stopped due to the same problem). I try each day to become a better muslim. I am lazy too, sometimes but I am in love with my religion and it has become my primary concern. I have realized that true love can ONLY be for Allah!! I don't need that person anymore. I feel free and calm.

 

I do feel lonely at times, so I just pray, call up a friend, talk to my mom.... I just do anything and when his thoughts come to my mind, I tell myself that those are the whispers of shaytaan and change my thoughts. Simple. AND, I have decided to avoid friends who are into all these haraam things.

 

I deeply regret for what I did, but then I am very thankful and grateful to Allah for enabling me to repent and for guiding me to the straight path. I hope I will improve. I have a long way to go. My aim is to become a very good slave of Allah!! Insha Allah...

 

I have support of my mom and I will let her decide for me about my marriage. I know she is the one who truly loves me. When and if I marry, I will not let my husband suffer for my sins and mistakes of past. I will give him the best and try my best to be a perfect wife too, insha Allah!! I hope I get someone who will help me become a better muslim...

 

I really hope Allah will forgive me...

 

I am 100 times happier with my life today. My biggest fear is going back into all that.

 

ALHAMDULILLAH!!!! I love Allah soooooooo much!!! :sl:

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