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salma23

I Am Depressed. Need Help. Can' T Go On

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Ever since a child my mother constantly told us sisters that our husbands have already been destined by Allah. When I was around 22 yrs many proposals came but I resufeed as I did not feel I was ready then. My mother gave me a very hard time and emotionally black mailed me saying that she and my father will die and have been coughing blood. At that time I had a desire to study and learn the deen. My mum never let me or any of my sisters go to college or uni and prefered us to stay home sew clothes and get married at 16 - 17. Three of my sisters did marry around that age without any resistance. However I was the ambitious one, creative, dreamer and liberal minded and believed in right to choice.

 

I always said I would marry some1 of my choice and some1 that is not a relation as I strongly believed in meeting new people and joining their family. My mother did not like this and would say i was going old, although girls my age were still in college and uni. at 22yrs I had a very hard time. I cried very much and begged Allah to help me. I did not know what to do and the only thing that came to mind was to run away, but where? I have been a practicing person since 18 and knew it was wrong to commit suicide or offend your parents. I did not know what to do but pray and ask Allah's guidance and help. I remember waking up at early night for tahajud and begging God to help me. I prayed and begged as much as I could. I reached a state where my tears had dried and could not shed any more.

 

I finally did marry my mum's second counsin. He is soo nice, kind hearted, caring, considerate, loving. We communicate well and have many things in common. He is like a friend I can tel him anything. He is always there for me. We have a child together. My problem is I'm still not happy. I look around and see young girls marrying men of their choice living happily. I never liked the idea of counsins marrying and I can't get over this. I constantly think back and what I should have done to avoid this maariage. I feel as though now I could have stopped it but it is too late. I hate my life. My husband say's im always miserable with a constant frown on my face. He thinks I'm unset because I want to be wealthy but does not know the truth. I hate my parents especially my mother, she is a selfish manipulative, gossip mongering, self obsessed women who only thinks about her own self and what people say of her. She often praises herself of marrying us of and talks of those who educate their children and allow them to marry their choice. She does not know how I feel and thinks I am happy as my husband is very nice to me compared to my sisters husbands.

 

It is true my husband is very nice and i'm ruining his life and he does not deserve to be treated this way. I wish I could die. I don't know what went wrong in my life. I never went out with any men I was inteligent and chaste. My prayers did not work it feels like Allah has abandoned me. Tahajud prayer is meant to be so strong but did not work in my case. I am starting to get very depressed. I cry all the time and always telling my self it was written as it was in the past. I can't seem to move on in life and make my husband happy. If I die he can marry again and hopefully be happy but I can't bear the thought of leaving my son, who is only 3. I console myself say I will get my choice in the hereafter but does not seem to work. I don't think parents have the right to pressure their children but their is no1 to summon their actions.

 

 

Please help with advice and guidance

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Assalamualikum Salma23.

 

I am not a Muslim, but I am a man who has been to the edge of the same abyss you are standing on several times in my life. The thought of death has been a close friend to me for most of my life. So I offer this advice as one who has been there, even one who has gone farther. My first and most important advice is for right now, this minute. Step back and take a deep breath. Right now your mind is probably completely focused on the darkness. You cannot see the light. Thoughts are probably flying around like a whirlwind. Step back. Breathe. Your pain is real and what's happened to you sounds horrendous, but right now you need to step back from the edge.

 

Coming from outside Islam, I don't know which hand to use to help. My best suggestion would be for you to find a good clinic or doctor that deals with mental health to help support you and help you work through your problems with a person local to you that is confidential. This step is terrifying, but essential if available. If you are in a place where such help is not attainable, perhaps fellow brothers or sisters here can give you advice. I can give you advice on the health and stress side, but when it comes to the religious side, I will bow to experts.

 

I must go for now, but for now try to distract your mind as much as possible. If you come to the point where you believe you can't take it anymore, breath, get help, and remember your child is depending on you - another link that will hopefully keep you here your alloted time. Endure Salma23. Not just for your child, but for yourself. Your mother might be a hag, but you are worthy and just need to find your way through the night. Peace be with you.

 

Panentheist13

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Salam alaikum

 

Sister, don't listen to the person inside you, all that person want is to destroy yourself. Get over it, and enjoy the blessing of Allah swt upon you, which yet you don't see. What I see is that you wanted to have a choice, but you did had a choice, and yet you accepted to marry your cousin. Blame no one for the choice you made, but blame yourself. Now it is done, you can't do anything, except to divorce him, which is hated by Allah.

 

Sister you have to understand the rights of Allah, He is your Lord and wishes you to obey Him and get close to Him. You may hate the current state your are in, but it may have some good in it as Allah swt said in the Quran:

 

4.19 ........it may be that you hate something which Allah has set in it much good.

 

I can see that good, and that is tahajudd prayer, not many of us are blessed with this guidance. Your Lord brought you near to Him, and yet you do not see it, how unfortunate you are that you don't see the good.

 

As you said your husband is a good man, but Allah knows best. You are probably lucky that Allah swt grand you a good husband, but yet you don't see it.

 

Quran

[24.26] Evil women for evil men, and evil men for evil women; good women for good men, and good men for good women .....

 

 

 

Sister, turn your negative though into positive though, be patient and it maybe that Allah will find a way out for you soon. But think again, are you blessed by Allah? Think again.

 

May Allah bring you and your husband together and remove any hatred or dislikes among you and put love in your heart for your husband, ameen.

Edited by Mercyonmankind

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Sister,

 

I am an old man who has learned much in my life. I have also the experience of many joys and sorrows. If you will allow I will be a grandfather to you. I am a Muslim revert who lives in Southern California. Though I am an American of European descent I do understand those cultural requirements which so often result in measures of distress.

 

Should you not object to sharing with a 68 year old man who has no grandchildren of his own I will be very pleased. I have a story to tell which you might find of interest. The ways of Allah are mysterious to us. Each of us has a part to play in the human story. None of is of less importance than another nor are any of us ever alone, separated from God.

 

I will give you my personal email address should you accept my offer of parental friendship.

 

Blessings to you sister,

 

JamesYaqub

 

San Diego, Ca. USA

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:sl:

 

 

Sister we have a saying in Arabic with translates to " Being content is an everlasting treasure" .

 

Saying Alhamdulilah and Shukrlilah is your best policy as this is your test in this world , dont look at what others have its their naseeb and they might not necessarily be happy like you think they are, a lot of love marriages have ended up in disaster.

 

If your husband is a good man and does not neglect his duties in all aspects then dont neglect him in anyway give him the smile he wants to see he deserves it.

 

And first before everything else ask Allah SWT to give you the strength to cope through your test and give you the iman and Taqwa to overcome the dunya desires.

 

Shukran

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