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Losing It...

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As salaam alaikum,

 

I am fully aware of how Allah (swt) does not put a burden on us that we cannot handle but at times as a human being I get weak and start losing all hope.

 

I am a 28 divorced girl. I have been forced into marriage by my parents but had to end it because of religious reason. The man claimed to be Muslim and practicing but once we got married I discovered he was not so practicing. Allah (swt) gave me patience therefore I remained patient and thought slowly but surely Allah (swt) will bring him to the straight path. But to my great surprise, him and his family also adopted some Hindu practices such as displaying pictures of some spiritual leader in front of which they brought food and bowed down to him, lit candles, put a prayer mat in front of the picture. I was so shocked and tried to reason with him and so did my family. But he was convinced that he was in the straight path. This ended up in divorce.

 

I remained single for 2 years and thought I had found a good Muslim brother ( not same background as mine) spoke to my parents about it. They did not even consider him saying that they will never accept someone other than our nationality. Fair enough, I moved on though I knew that same nationality may be favorable for various reason but not necessary to marry.

 

Now, I have been acquainted with my mother's cousin. I know this is not halal though we maintained a formal relationship (we would speak from time to time in person when I visit back home). We found that we are suitable for each other. When I told my parents about it they took everything out of proportion saying that it is not allowed in Islam. I come from a cultural background where they consider this type of mix unacceptable though Islamic allows it. And my background will favor culture over religion most of the time on different issues. But this time I am convinced that he is the one. Again I am caught in a big state of turmoil with my family. They insulted me from both my side and his side.

 

Now my parents are again forcing me to marry a person of their choice and said that if they find the guy suitable I have no say. I know this is not right. I feel hopeless. I am down on my knees asking Allah (swt) why so many tests. I have been depressed for so many years due to so many things in my life. ( I also have been raped many times under my parents roof while they were in the house.....) My mother did a lot for us (sibling) but as a mother to her child and our happiness and safety not so much. She cares so much about her pride, prestige, name, what people think and say....

 

I am constantly struggling and fighting within me. I cannot bare it anymore. The one thing that is keeping me strong is Allah (swt) though sincerely I am slowly slowly losing it. And at times my iman gets weak.

 

Please, some words of advice

and what to do with my mom's cousin situation, how do I speak to her because. She is wrong and so is the whole family.

I rather live in solitude with my self than get hurt once more.

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PropellerAds

:sl:

 

I'm sorry to hear about the trials that you've been through sister. Inshaallah your duas will be answered and happier times will come.

 

Sister, it is sad but true that many of our people in our ummah value culture above religion. Many of us Muslims have cultural baggage, that so often we mix with religion. We have to accept this fact and slowly and gradually rectify the situation.

 

Understand that it would be hard to change your parents overnight, as they have lived by their own ethics and codes for decades, most probably due to their upbringing. You can attempt to change them but my guess is it would take a long time. My only advise is, try to talk to them in a civilized way. Try to reason with them, and say that in the end your parents' rash decisions do not help you, as they make you more depressed. You mush highlight to your parents how you feel. Try to understand their feelings as well, and tell them you would try and value their wishes and expectations, as well as upholding your family honour, but at the same time, you with to have your wishes respected and the two should be balanced. Tell them that it is your expressed wish to choose a suitable partner for marriage.

 

I think your parents are upset as from your parents' perspective you've gone against the culture two times, because in their eyes they do not accept someone outside the culture, and someone who is a cousin (even if Islam says this is permitted). Their rash decision could be a reaction due to their upset feelings. Try to reason with them and vocalize your feelings and thoughts in a civilized way sister, and I hope that your parents will think twice before resorting to this decision.

 

Do not lose hope sister. Keep making duas and observe salah. Inshaallah things will be better for you.

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Salam, make a lot of duaa that Allah taala softens their hearts so that they change their minds.

 

Make sure that you have done an istikhara for this person before you fight the fight for him.

 

May Allah make all of your matters easy and blessed.

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Thank you both for your kind replies. Even If my parents are against me, it still feels good to know that both of you understand where I am coming from...

Yes both times was a cultural issue and I think to myself maybe its up to them to let lose and value religion or else they will always go through the same trials themselves (culture vs religion). I do make dua to Allah (swt) that He may guide us all through the straight path of Islam. And I also did pray Isthikaraa, but so far I get nothing negative.

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in Islam No One Can Force to marry anyone, so they can't

if you don't want too, just refuse

other than that i can't help you

the only thing i can do for you is to pray that everything ends up will

Allah bless you sis

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ASAK Sister....

 

I am very sorry to hear about your situation... Let me tell you that although you may feel weak at times you are mashallah very strong as a person...

 

Remember you are a Muslim first and your obedience lies to God first...Most of our Ummah have no idea about our religion...

They value cultural practices that have no place in Islam... Islam is the first religion to give rights to women..Our Prophet (s.a.w.s) always emphasized to treat women in a loving and respectful manner.. To honor their rights... How often do you see that?

Our people always follow what suits them best and leave out other important aspects of the religion... Why do you think Islam covers every aspect of your everyday life? So that such outdated cultural practices do not have to be followed...

 

First of all a forced marriage is not valid..Period... You have every right to say no.. This is your life..Your happiness and health are at stake..I also think that being muslim means to be strong.. Allah tests us in the most difficult manner.. And that means you have to stand up for yourself..I know as women, culturally we are taught to be submissive and accept our fate.. I think this is very unislamic.. We have been given rights.. Why not use them? it is easier to submit to wrong cultural practices because society demands but it is harder to fight for your rights that Allah has given you..But at the end when you stand up for what is right Allah will help you... Allah has not asked us women to sit quiet and suffer oppression.. How do we expect Allah to help us? Allah helps those who help themselves first! We are so afraid about what society thinks of us..We are so afraid about marriage security that we compromise on so many unislamic values... Do we forget that our time in this world is very short and that we are answerable to Allah for our actions? You have a right to live a happy life... Most women suffer oppression because we are too afraid to stand up for ourselves...And so the cycle continues...

 

When i was younger i always thought that in Islam women had no rights... To be honest i despised being a Muslim for this very fact... But all i saw was culture around me that had nothing to do with Islam.. When i did my own research i was amazed at how much Islam respects women and their rights... This is why i love my religion so much...And my Prophet(s.a.w.s)..

 

So do not despair... Allah is with you.. He is closer to you that your jugular vein...But you have to be strong and stand up for yourself.. Even if you face hardship and criticism along the way...You will be rewarded... Your parents command a lot of respect and love.. Use wisdom,respect and love to deal with this issue with them... That does not mean you have to follow what is wrong and unjust...

 

I lost the person i loved a lot due to cultural reasons... I decided to stand up for myself instead of being forced to accept

a situation just cause i am a woman and fulfill cultural obligations that have nothing to do with Islam .. I was accused of being a bad person and so much more... It was very hurtful because i only had the best intentions for him and his family.. Allah knows that..So it really hurt... But i feel better... because again for me it was a test..And Allah is with the Patient...

 

You stated you have been raped several times in your own house? This must have been a very traumatic experience... Have you spoken to anyone about it? You need some closure with this issue.. To be a rape survivor is not an easy thing... You need help regarding this issue.. You need to focus on your self first.. I may be wrong and forgive me for this but i do not think that marriage is going to solve your issues... You really need to help yourself first... Become strong physically and mentally.. Build a strong spiritual relationship with Allah...

 

If there is anything that i can do to help please let me know.. I work with people who have gone through very difficult situations in their life who come from various backgrounds and i am more than willing to give you support if you need it...

 

I pray that Allah gives you the best in this life and the hereafter and gives you the strength to face this difficult situation...Do not lose hope and do not despair.. Allah is with you!

 

AH

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Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallahu khayran for sharing this with us. My dear sister please do not lose hope for Allah is with those who are patient so remain patient and hopeful of the help of Allah. I understand how difficult it is especially when culture seems to take precedence over religion. I pray that this is banished as soon as is possible from our societies.

 

Your parents do want the best for you and they have your best interest at heart but sometimes they fall into the cutlure trap and it is because they were bought up in that cutlure so know no different whereas we are bought up in a free society where we can choose to do what we want and we are also more open minded. This can invitabley clash but it is never easy for parents and they can also make mistakes but regardless of how they are towards us we MUST always be the best towards them for Allah has given high status to our parents so we must never even say "uff" to them.

 

You should try and get in touch with local scholars regarding your issue as they would be able to advise you best on these matters. There are also many support groups for women going through these issues locally and your masjid should be able to put you in touch with one.

 

My sister we must also realise that Allah ONLY tests those who he wants close to him. The tests you are going through clearly show Allah is wanting you close to him. Trials are a blessing in disguise. All he wants is your patience and for you to turn to him in prayer and dua.

 

Tests is what differentiates believers and you should know that those who are tested and are patient are forgiven of their sins and sins falls off a person who is patient through trials. Therefore know that your trials and tests do not go unrewarded for Allah rewards how much he wants to those who are patient through trials and turn towards him.

 

It may be that a person who has had great trials faces Allah on the day of judgement with little or no sins. So tests is also a way of Allah enabling a person to lose their sins so that they may be free of sins when they face Allah. So know that even a prick of a thorn expiates ones sins.

 

One should accept the decree of Allah and NEVER ask Allah "Why"? For questioning Allah why he has decreed something will mean that not only has the person got grief from the trial but also has added major sins to themselves by questioning Allah. Therefore my sister you should NEVER question why Allah has chosen to do soemthing but you should accept it and continue to be pateint and know that Allah is with those who are patient and the reward for Patience is Paradise!

 

We should also always look at those who have less than us. We as Muslims in the west are very fortunate and we should look at those who have little or nothing yet they are still satisfied because they rely on Allah and put their trust in him. There are those who walk miles just for a sip of water and even then it is dirty but we just need to open our taps. There are those who go days without proper food. Those who have no shelter. Those who have little or no money to buy even basic things and medication. Rasulallah (Pbuh) also told us to look at those who have less than us.

 

Also my sister when you look at other people then don't be decieved into thinking that they are so happy and content. You are wrong for you do not know the reality that goes on in peoples lives. I know of MANY examples of people who seemed as though they have SO much and seemed so happy always but when certain things were revealed then it was clear that those people were living miserable lives! We should not look at others and think they are happy for we do not know what that person is going through on a day to day basis for they could be going through ten times worse situation than you but they are not exactly going to advertise it to the world.

 

So my sister know that we do not know what others are gojng through so let us not be decieved by shaythan who wants us to look at others and be jealous of them but the only ones we should be jealous of is those who are going through the greatest trials and are patient through them for their reward is great and you could be of those people!

 

Therefore my sister put your full trust, hopes, faith and reliance in Allah for he will NEVER let you down but is testing you because he wants you close to him and wants good for you and wants you to turn to him and be closer to him. How lucky you are and you think you are unlucky? That is what shaythan wants you to think as shaythan your eternal enemy wants you to lose hope and be away from Allah. But you should disregard your sworn enemy and get closer to Allah and feel lucky that Allah is testing you to bring you closer to him.

 

So my sister continue to be patient and know that the reward will be unimaginable. On the day of judgement once you see the reward of your patience you will say to Allah that you wish you were tested more so that you could have been more patient and therefore given even more rewards! Subhanallah so you know the reality now my sister and the reality is that you are actually lucky and privelaged for Allah to be wanting you closer to him!

 

Make the best of every second of your life and let NOTHING come in between of you worshipping Allah! Strive to be closer to Allah and build a close relationship with him through much worship, recitation of the Qur'an, nafils, dhikr and dua. Ask of Allah to make you more patient and to help you to strive through your trials. Whatever will happen in this situation will happen for the best inshallah. Just put your FULL hopes, faith, reliance and trust in Allah and you wil find that is enough for you! Please remember me in your dua's as well.

 

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

Here are some very beneficial threads of mine that you can implement in your life in order to get closer to Allah and become a pious slave of his inshallah:

 

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Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 2/4]

 

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Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 3/4]

 

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Here are some very beneficial articles for you to help you on your journey to Jannah and to make best use of every second of your life in this world:

 

 

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And Allah knows best in all matters

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Thank you again for your kind replies.

You have no idea how comforting it is to read words of courage and patience and you feel lost.

It is true that I did feel despair but never will question Allah (swt) I really do take it as a test and a lesson. I simply want to overcome this period of my life and just be able to feel inner happiness so that I may make others happy.

 

As for one of the questions... no I never really did seek help of any kind. It happened many years ago. I was maybe 9 or 10. I tried to put it aside hoping that not talking about it will make me believe it never happened. It worked for several years.. up til now. Now when I think of it. I break down. Is it normal that I am feeling the shock only now? After soo many years?

I just want to get better. Take the help I need to be able to move forward. So any help would be beneficial......

 

Thank you again... just for hearing me out.

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Yes my sister feeling distress because of pain is distressing but when you put your full reliance in Allah and put your full hopes, trust and faith in him and rely on him for everything then your burdens, stress, worrys, depression and any sadness is relieved because you have your lord with you. Those who do not have their lord are the ones who become lost and fall further into despair. So my sister make your focus to please Allah in EVERYTHING yo do because nothing else matters.

 

This world is temporary and our life can end at any second. Focus on now and the future because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come so make the best of these precious few seconds we have in this life as we will regret each second we wasted in this life. Focus on doing as much good as you can everyday of your life to please Allah so that you can build your hereafter. It is our final destination which should be our main concern not this pathetic world which will end for us at any second.

 

My sister once your focus becomes the hereafter then nothing else will ever matter to you than pleasing Allah and making the best of your precious few seconds in doing so. The past is gone and the future may or may not come for any of us. Those who are patient have Allah by their side so how can they ever fall into despair? Turn to Allah always and share your feelings with him. Ask of him and thank him abundantly. Remember him and his rememberance and glorification will bring your heart the peace, contentment and happiness it craves for.

 

So my sister waste not a second more on the past but accept it has happened and rely on Allah and leave it to him. Put your faith and trust in him. Strive to do everything everyday of your life to please Allah and focus on building up your hereafter so that you can gain the high ranks of Paradise and spend ETERNITY therein therefore you will be victorious FOREVER!

 

And Allah knows best in all matters

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