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White Curtains of the Wind

Why A Gay Man Decided To Become Muslim

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Salaam Alykum wa rahmatullah wa Barakatuh

First off I must say please do not be put off by the title. I am a homosexual however I do not partake in any homosexual acts. I am completely celibate and I ask Allah (swt) to forbid for me what is wrong and enjoin on me what is right. Now with that in mine I would like to tell my story Insha'Allah.

 

I was born into a Catholic family and early on went to a private Catholic school in California. This provided for me a view of the religious world. For you see at 1st grade I left the school and for the remainder of my life I was raised secular. My parents called themselves Catholic but they did not do anything religious at all. It was rare if we even went to Church once a month. And sometimes we missed Church for important days such as Easter or Ash Wednesday. I also discovered quite early that I am gay. I had a crush on this guy when I was 6 years old. So because of the way the Christians treated homosexuals I was put off by religion and by God and when I was 12 I became a Buddhist and an atheist.

My life sort of went downhill from there. Not to say that atheists don't have a good life but because of circumstances it got worse. I became involved with drugs and other behaviors that I am not proud of. And because of the drugs I developed Psychosis (think Schizophrenia without the voices). This only made me get angrier with theists for I saw them as the reason that everything was wrong in the world. I read books such as Godless and the God Delusion by atheist scholars and became firm in my belief (or rather disbelief) about God. I had debates with theists (usually Christians) in which I would always misquote things from the Bible and make it look awful.

I should also add that once we went to a county fair. There was a brother from WhyIslam and he gave me a Qur'an. I just tossed it aside and hid it away for a long time. [##][/##]

Years passed and I decided to give theists a second chance. I began to study the Bible and saw that I held many misconceptions about it. Without studying other religions I figured I held misconceptions about them as well and decided to take a neutral stance. Even though I was atheist the idea of having sexual acts before marriage apalled me. I could not figure out how our culture became so sex obsessed. You couldn't go into a room of teenagers without one of them commenting on how great their sex life was.

Anyways high school ended and I decided my major would be on theology. At first I wanted it to be about Buddhism but decided to include all religions and took up Comparitive Religion. I began to study the different religions including Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Baha'i, Sikhism, Jainism, and others. I hadn't touched on Islam but I thought well I will run into it eventually so I should learn about it. I bought a book called "The Everything Understanding Islam Book" and was so shocked! Islam sounded like this amazingly beautiful religion totally dedicated to submission to God. I could not however just non chalantly stroll over and become a Muslim. First off, I had already converted to Buddhism and held Buddhist beliefs. It would be idiotic to just abandon them without contemplation. And also the idea of God put me off. How could God allow such things to happen in the world? And how could He punish people in the hereafter? And lastly Islam's position on homosexuality put me off too. Nonetheless I found Islam to be really amazing and beautiful and I remembered I had a translation of the Qur'an stored away.

I found the Qur'an and began to read it. The first Surah was Al Fatihah. I was amazed at it's simplicity and yet it held a powerful message. I continued to read it and found it odd that it seemed out of order and yet I much preferred it this way. I began to contemplate my previous held beliefs of anatman (no soul) and reincarnation. I also began to contemplate the reason for the universe, the nature of it, and if God existed. It took me a long time to even consider that God may be real. I didn't even want to become Muslim at first, just to learn some more about Islam. But I had to question what I believed because if Islam was true (and at time it was a big if) I was truly leading the wrong life. Anyways I began to research to see if there were any homosexual Muslims. I found out that there were and still are quite a lot. They have internet groups and go to gay pride events and I thought that was comforting. But still the story of Prophet Lut (as) led me afraid. Then that struck me as odd, why was I afraid? Did I believe this story was true? Anyways I decided that I should study about the Prophet Muhammad (saws). So I did. I read a book by Martin Lings called "Muhammad His Life Based on Earliest Sources". I was astonished! Muhammad (saws) was absolutely amazing in everything he did! He was so kind, held mercy for others, was so obedient and in love with God. He completely reshaped Arabia from a bunch of war torn awful society to this amazing world power that was just... wow I don't even know how to explain it.

I still continued to contemplate God and read about about Fitrah (I think that is the word). That is the innate knowledge that God exists. I really looked into myself and contemplated if God exists, what kind of God is He? Or is He even One? So I really began to contemplate it. I eventually came to the conclusion that if God exists He is One. He can not be two for if He was the universe would be in chaos. I believed that the Universe was one, and this is backed by science (the whole before the big bang it was all one) and also how everything depended on everything to exist. Humans need water to live, and when they die they become the fertilizer for the plants. The plants in turn give food to the animals who give food to the humans. Our bodies were once stars. So how could two gods create this perfect singular universe? And then came the attributes of God. Was he All Knowing? Well if He created the Universe surely He knew its every secret! And was He Al Wadud? The All Loving? I thought about it, and yes I think He is that too. He must also be Just for anything He decides is Just, is Just. Anyways it took a lot of thought and I eventually came to accept the Names of Allah (swt).

Ramadan came up and then I decided to fast. Oh and part of the fast was abstaining from sexual imagery and of course from drugs and drink. And well it was hard at first. I was really surprised. Then I began to pray. I thought, well if God exists or not I better pray. If He doesn't exist, then so what? And if He does I should be greatful and ask for help. So I began to make dua. And then I began to make salat. I decided to take up the Qur'an's challenge and produce a Surah like it. And well you can imagine I could not. Even though it was the English Translation, I went to the source (Arabic) and studied the words of Surah Al Ikhlas. Even that small Surah was wow... So I gave up on trying to match it (although I got interested in beautiful words and later poetry).

Anyways I found myself doing all these things that Muslims do. I fasted, I prayed, I gave to charity, I was more respectful, I tried to humble myself, and I gave up drugs and drinking and lusting. I again contemplated God and eventually came to the conclusion that He exists. It was like something on me just turned on and I realized He is real. So I became scared hahaha If God exists... and the Qur'an is true... where does that leave me, a gay man? So I at first tried to ally myself with Gay Islamic Groups and well I could not deny all this scholarly work that all said it is not halal. I am still strugling with it, and this I guess is my Jihad. I took Shahada in Ramadan and then I took Shahada over the phone on an Islamic hotline. I then went to a Masjid and took Shahada there. And ever since I have been going to that Masjid and it's events.

So here I am today. Drug free, happy, and completely content with my life. Some may say being celibate is not right, but I can not marry a woman. Firstly, it would be unfair to her as I could not love her truly like that. Secondly... it kind of icks me the wrong way. And thirdly, my children would have a higher chance of being born gay. And I don't want that for them. I think what will happen most likely is I will be celibate my whole life. I hope that doesn't put off any Muslims (no one at the Masjid knows I am gay and I decided why should I tell them? I don't plan on doing any homosexual acts...).

I am still struggling a little with Psychosis and anxiety disorders, but Allah (swt) has made it so easy for me. He has cured me of most of that and Insha'Allah I will be cured of it all. I thank you for reading. And I hope this isn't deleted hahaha

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PropellerAds

I hope it isn't deleted either. It was a beautiful story. I hope you continue to be blessed by Islam.

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:sl: brother

 

I found your story inspiring, and I can only imagine how hard it was for you to not only find God, but to also reshape your views on this world until it fitted with what Allah created us for: To worship and obey Him selflessly and devotedly. I pray that he keeps your faith strong.

 

We all have our personal battles and only Allah knows best how we can overcome them. Jazakallah khair for sharing.

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:sl:

 

SubhanAllah , may Allah SWT increase your Imaan and Taqwa and give you patience and keep you on the straight path Aameen .

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ASA

 

Brother White Curtains, good story , also i would say to you is that if you are Muslim then take on the name Muslim, donot associate yourself with the sin of homosexuality. If you are trying to better yourself then do that, better yourself. There are muslims out there who do drugs, who kill people, rape people but for them to recognize themselves as a sin is wrong. Its like a muslim brother or sister coming to me for the first time saying As salam alakium Im a fornicator or As salam alakium I used to molest children, automatically your putting something on your brothers and sisters that they cant handle, and would rather not hear. So keep your sin to yourself and don’t broadcast it.

 

You said that you read the Prophets life story so you would also know that marriage is half of your religion, now if you choose to be celibate and die that way then may Allah reward you for your effort and your understanding upon your death. I do believe that there is someone for everyone out there you just haven’t met her yet, don’t give up.

 

I don’t agree that if you had a child that the child has a high chance being born gay. You studied the Prophet Muhammad and he also said that every child is born muslim and it is their parents that make them different. So we cant say that a child is, or can be born homosexual for the simple fact that homosexuality is a sexual life preference. I have yet to see any baby with a natural inclination toward sex, that is a habit that is learned.

 

Again may Allah bless you and may you fully be cured of your inner sickness and win that great Jihad. But Never recognize yourself by your sin if that is your past then let it be your past, be a muslim and move forward with being a muslim man and use the Prophet Muhammad as your guide to how a man should be

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Asslamu alikum respected brother ,,

 

Mash'Allah your story was amazing . I ask Allah swt to help you in every step in your life , keep fighting brother ..

 

I agree with brother twoswordali in what he said :

I don’t agree that if you had a child that the child has a high chance being born gay

 

Mash'Allah you got through many difficulties , May Allah swt reward you Amen .

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Assalamu Alaikum, May Allah be with, guiding you in all aspects of life. My sincere advice to you would be to stay away from people who you associated with in the past. Look forward, our duaas are with you.

 

One more advice from a big sister if you may........... When you decide to do something try to say INSHAALLAH ( If and when Allah wills).

 

And please don't attache the word Gay to your name, you are now living a clean life so there is no need to call yourself any title, specially something which is negative.

 

Salaam and duaas.

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:sl:

 

all what i can say is alhamdulillah....may Allah make you stronger.

 

fighting with your nafs is the greatest jihad......inshaAllah you will succeed.

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I don't agree that if you had a child that the child has a high chance being born gay. You studied the Prophet Muhammad and he also said that every child is born muslim and it is their parents that make them different. So we cant say that a child is, or can be born homosexual for the simple fact that homosexuality is a sexual life preference. I have yet to see any baby with a natural inclination toward sex, that is a habit that is learned.

I don't think that one (sexual preference is habituated) necessarily follows from the other (every child is born a muslim). While it is true that we do not observe infants with sexual inclinations, this has more to do with the pattern of human maturation, in which sexual drive is delayed, and not with the any need to learn the behavior. I understand you disagree with this, but I wanted to voice an alternative opinion. If this is not my place to do so, then I would ask the moderators to please delete this post. Thank you.

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MASALLA EVEN GAY PEOPLE CAN TURN OUT TO BE GOOD MUSLIM'S

 

 

 

 

JAZAKALLAH KHAIRUN FOR SHARING YOUR WONDERFUL STORY

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this was a really heart touching story....i believe that ur contemplation would help us all too because v learn from each other and explore the things continuously....u have learned and gained so much and still ur......well i would suggest u to get married too because u would have the best married life InshahAllah as during ur whole life u have experienced various activities that ruins ones life and in this way u can again set up an example that marriage develops a good relationship.....ur following Prophet pbuh so better follow him in this aspect too.........May Allah help u and bless us all........

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