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I Feel Like Ending My Life! What Should I Do?

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Assalamualaikum,

 

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 11 months which was really deep. We know each other since school but we never used to talk to each other at that time. I am a 23 years old shy and conservative girl.

 

After 6 years, he messaged me on facebook and thats how we started knowing each other. One day he insisted to meet me, so I met him with my friends at my college. I just got to know from my mum that his mum gave a proposal to me, on the night before meeting him.  I was shocked and wanted to tell him not to meet me but it was too late. Instead, I told my friends.

 

After few days, I told him that I can't meet him anymore because of such event. He said that he doesn't know about it and apolozied for what his mum has done. I said still I can't and avoided his call.

 

One day, he called me and said that nothing will change between us even if we talk or don't (ie friendship). After few days of meeting and chatting, he declared and sweared in the name of God and his mother that he loves me and can't live without me. After rejecting several times his offer to become his gf before getting married to him, one day he cried a lot and begged me not to leave him.

 

He said how his family struggle to come to the state they are in now and so on. He said if I leave him he will sad forever and will never talk to me. I told him that I don't wanted to lose his friendship but I still used to talk to him whenever he called me.

 

Slowly and slowly I felt some feelings for him and went out with him as he promised not to leave in the name of God and his mother. One day, he asked me to show him my new house. After showing him my new house, he pulled me and was trying to open my clothes. When I pushed him and was trying to run away from him, he was pulling me. Wherever I was going, he was blocking my way, pulled me forcefully and pushed me onto the bed. I was crying and saying to stop but he didn't. We finally had sex. After that I bled. On his way home, he called me up and said " You are so innocent...anyone can use you!". Since then I was shocked, afraid and was crying a lot.

 

After the event, he stopped calling me like he used to do and whenever I used to call him and ask why, he used tell me that he was busy. He didn't even ask me once how was I feeling? After all it was my first sex which he knows it very well. After few months, he used to call me every wednesday to ask me to meet him on thursday. Everytime before meeting him, he used to promise me that he won't have sex with me but whenever we used to meet he always does even if I don't want to. If I don't want to, he either used to be sad and keep quiet or say" I have the right!".

 

Recently, I found out that he is getting married with someone else. When I called him, he said that his parents are not ready to listen to him. If he says about me, they will die because it seems that his mum hates my mum as she got to know that my parents told something bad his parents which he says he got it from 3 sources. I completely denied it because I know that my parents will never do so.

 

I told him "First of all, my father stays mostly in our country to take care of his business and comes here whenever he has some work. As for my mum, whatever she knows about you and your family are from the mutual aunties and she is not a person who will say bad about others. Infact we don't like people who backbites about others. How can they do such thing?! That impossible!" He shouted and said "Do you want me to prove?!" then when I asked him to prove he said that I know everything. I asked him "if I know everything, then why should I ask you?! and I will even know you other 2 sources also which you can't name now!" We had a huge arguement on it. He even said that I was playing with him and didn't love him at all. I was really shocked and depressed. He even said that he can't lose such opportunity because the girl who he is getting married to is an intellectual and good in studies. I couldn't believe his words!

 

I was so depressed and sick that I consulted a physician and she said that I am under acute depression and anxiety. I couldn't even tell her why because my mum was infront.

 

Finally, on his wedding day, I cried and told my dad everything (except for the illicit stuff). He became shocked and depressed. I asked to forgive me for whatever I did and to help me recover from such terrible event. He agreed and said to forget that guy as he never deserved me. Few days after his wedding, I told my mum about what he said and asked her whether she said anything wrong about his mum. My parents said they didn't say anything bad neither about him nor his mum. Finally, my mum spoke to one her friend, who name was given from 1 of those 3 sources. The aunt sweared that she didn't say anything to his mum not even spoke to his mum either. When the aunt called him and asked about the event. The guy told everything ( whatever I shared with him about our family matters) and said that he didn't say anything to me that my parents told something bad about his mum nor he took the aunt's name!

 

When the aunt asked about what he said about my father, he said that my father can't say anything as he doesn't stay over here the most. This is MY SENTENCE!!! He used my sentence to claim me wrong!! He even said his sister was there when he speaking with me. His sister also said that I told him all these!!!

 

When my mum told me this I was shocked to death!!! I couldn't believe my ears! Then what was his reason to leave me?! I can't forget all these...how will I lead a normal life...how can i forget such an event!!! How can he tell such LIES!!! God is watching...He is the only witness I have...what will I do??? Why isnt He doing anything??? How will I live?!!! Why did he do this with me!!! I feel like dying!!! I can't tell lie to my future husband because I am not good at lying at all! Even if I lie he will get to know one day and that day will the most miserable day of my life!!!

 

I never wanted to have sex before my marriage......!!!!!! I wanted to keep this as a gift of God for my husband!!! Now I don't have anything to give and share!!! I hate myself!!! HOW COULD I DO SUCH MISTAKES!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!

I want to die!!!

 

Please Help ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

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PropellerAds

From your description, I would say that this man raped and manipulated you. You should consider reporting these acts to the police, and not think about killing yourself over such a man. Also, You should also speak to professional therapist, since you have been traumatized by him. This is a very serious matter, so please do not try to handle this alone. You need receive treatment for yourself and trust that you can recover and feel whole again. Do not allow your depression and trauma to dictate your future, they are like blinders keeping you from seeing that you can get better and have a happy life.

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Assalam Alaikum Wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu Sister

 

Allah SWt is most gracious most benevolent, Islam does not permit free mixing of opposite sex because of these reasons, Shaytaan over takes us, May Allah SWT forgive us all alike. I know how you feel, as I have undergone something more worse than that.

 

But Alhamdulillah here I am still alive, though its around 7 years for the last time but I am not able to come out of it. nor speak of it. its my forbidden truth. I request you to bear in mind we all are strangers in this world, What ever happened is past, ask Allah SWT for mercy, Allah SWT will forgive. Think about life after death.

Why are you thinking of suicide. If you attempt suicide there will be no Mercy (Except if Allah SWT's wish) but dont let Allah SWT's wrath be upon you more by hurting yourself. Come to a normal life, spend your time in deen, recite Quran, pray Salaah, Help people learn about Islam. I have found peace only in Deen. Whenever i get Maniac depression i just busy myself in Islamic work. I teach Quran. translate books, translate lectures, give daawah to Non-Muslims. Alhamdulillah my life has become much peaceful.

I have left my medications now 2 years back, and its a surprise that I have not attempted suicide even once in these years Alhamdulillah, Its not that these thoughts dont come to me, they do, i want to suicide but why should I, I dont want Allah SWT's wrath on me.

I am not guilty for what ever happened to me. It is they who should suicide. I know Allah SWT looks down at me with Mercy, love and compassion. I dont care if i am hated for what all has happened with me. I dont care if ppl say I am lying, you know why?? Because I know Allah SWT is most JUST. He is the ALL Knowing. He knows what is true, I dont need to prove myself in these worldly courts, I cant even. mentally I am too weak to undergo the tests even, or questions. SO i leave my matter to Allah SWT.

 

Dear sister, remember Allah SWT is with you and there many more sisters out there fihting such battles. you do not need to tel your husband. you need not. As per my discussion with scholars, I had a similar case of a sister with me, and she wanted to tell her husband, the scholars said she should not tell him, If he comes to know later then also dont say yes or no just remain silent and say Allah SWT knows the best.

 

You will remain in my duaas inshaALLAH . May Allah SWT protecte all of us alike Allahumma aameen

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