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How To Reduce Bad Memory?

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assalaamu'alaikum

 

I need to talk about something that happened during my childhood because talking about it may help me reducing the pain that I feel emotionally.

 

I would like to know how to deal with bad memories from bad things that my parents did to me?

 

I believe that parents should discipline their children if they are misbehaving, but it should not turn into an abuse:

 

I would like to know where is the borderline between normal discipline and child-abuse?

When is corporal and mental punishment normal discipline and when is it child-abuse?

 

I love my parents and I forgave them long time ago. I even try for forget what they did. However, in dreams and in other situations all the memories come up again and this does not feel good. I always keep my bad feelings inside my heart so that I don't hurt anyone. I try to suppress such feelings, but it is hard sometimes.

 

A true believer should not let personal issue be a reason to have hatred or anger towards a person who behaved wrongfully towards him. I don't feel any hatred or anger whatsoever, but when such feelings come up it makes me mentally ill.

 

I don't want to mention the things that happen to me, but there are two examples:

 

1. When I was in fourth grade she regularily stood with a woodenspoon behind me while I do my homework and whenever I made a mistake she beat me with the spoon on my back and shoulder and pulled my ear.

 

2. When I was in first grade she became upset because I needed to go to the restroom although she called me to come for eating lunch. If she gave me a smack it would be alright, but she grabbed me by my head and dipped my face into the soup.

 

I think this behaviour is oppressive and wrong and whenever I see someone treating a child like that I would interfere.

 

I cannot tolerate the harsh treatment of my parents, but I understand that they might be in heavy distress. However, one should not overreact in such a manner.

 

I have learning problems because I associated learning with violence.

 

My parents were the view that my grades in school and other things affect their reputation in society. Actually, everything was about their reputation and to have a good name in society.

 

If these were single incedents, I would be able to forget it easily, but they were normal practice.

 

During the teen years, I was not mistreated physically, but mentally. A mother should never call his child "worthless", "antisocial", "asshole", or "you are mentally ill". If this happens all through the entire childhood it can lead to mental problems and other issues.

 

I think that one reason of her behavior was to punish the male gender, because her father was a wife-beater, beating up my mother's mother almost daily. I believe her behavior is because of that and I fully understand that. I have not grown up seeing my mother being beaten-up because of alcohol. Therefore, I cannot comprehend her pain.

 

However, I can see the same symptomes in my wife, because her father was also a wife-beater or someone who mistreated her mother.

 

1. What can I do to relieve her pain and bad memory?

2. What can I do to relieve my bad memory, because I don't want to hurt others due to my behavior.

 

When I have such bad memories coming up, I prefer to be by myself mostly in nature to relax, until the feelings subside. I don't have always the chance to go outside. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide my mother and all my kin and kith to Islam.

 

I think that relieving my mother from her pain, also may relief my own pains?

 

 

I especially need replies from brothers and sisters who experienced their mothers to be beaten/mistreated by the father, or sisters who have a wife-beater husband themselves. They may be able to give accurate answers, because they may understand what my mother's feelings are.

 

I love my parents and especially my mother, but solving my problem will also help her, because the problems stem from the same root.

Edited by male

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"A true believer should not let personal issue be a reason to have hatred or anger towards a person who behaved wrongfully towards him."

 

If not then when is anger justified??????

 

It is OK to feel angry with your parents. They sound like idiots. You have had a nightmare childhood, I had a similar but lesser problem.

 

I don't know the cure but you have my deepest sympathies. Good luck in finding something that works for you.

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Assalam Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

 

My father was a wife-beater. he has stopped it lately. He used to beat her up and I have witnessed it so many times until I grew up I was 13 maybe and I help his hand and told him dare you touch my mother he hit me even but then he realised that I wouldnt let him do it. I would let him kill me but not touch my mother.

As a result of this or whatever reason my mother used to beat up my elder 3 sibblings a lot by the time I came in the family things were much calm. but i had suffered alot of abuse all my childhood not just physical but much more, moreover i was sexually abused, i was too young as young as 3 mayb and i think i was 4 or 5 when I told my mother and instead of taking me into confidence she scared teh hell out of me that i never told her about it again, she hit me though not alot, but all the time she would tell me she would cut me into pieces and dry me in the sun. I used to imagine it and feel so dead.

 

 

I was very good at studies, since my childhood i have been a book worm, nothing facinated me more than books so i never had any problems with my education unless my graduation when I faced a nervous breakdown and had flunked a paper for the first time in my life but it was a result of physical abuse which had taken place 2 years before, my father had banged my head on the wall several times until i fainted (I was 16 then) I wasnt taken to the hospital, i regained conscious i dunno when and it was isha time so i just prayed my salah and retired to my bed.

 

I love kids alot but yes i am not very fond of boys. I like girls alot and i protect them like crazy. I am not a mother yet but I am so protecting with girls that they usually call me "mom". I used to hit my younger brother when he would not study rightly. And yes I have been hitting boys more than i hit girls. Its not any hatred feeling I have Alhamdulillah but just that they tend to be slow learners. I have been teaching Quran for 9 years now MAshaALLAH ALhamdulillah and also I used to give tutions.

 

I tend to hit the kids but to a tolerable level. just to ensure they are rectified. I have a 2 year old nephew and I do hit him but not as in abuse, but just if he eats dirt i hit his hand or hit his lips a little. no one else does that but I do it not out of hatred but to ensure he doesnt repeat his mistakes.

Seeing my mother beaten has instilled fear in me, and beaing abused in different ways has traumatised me alot. I have been sick since past 12 years, and I have been called disabled and everyother word you can imagine by my direct family itself.

 

I have over come most of my past by talking it out. I never spoke about anything until I had my Nervous breakdown in 2007, After which I was sent to a psychologist. and i underwent several tests, confirming slight problem with my brain coz of trauma but more of clinical associated problems, I was asked to talk out which I dint do, I woudl talk of everything except the sexual abuse. I would neevr say anything what happened. they got me through councelling sessions. It would take me hours to jsut say a little but it has made me much strong. I was on medication for mayb 2 years. and then I left medications as a result of my mood swings and my overconfidence which is normal is patients like us. I got into nikkah and have the most lovable husband MAshaALLAH. whenever those memories come to me I just call him up and tell him about it, i cry out everything to him, his affection and trust has instilled confidence in me.

 

you need to lend a shoulder to your mom let her tell you what is haunting her, even your wife, and dont run away from those memories share them with your best friend your wife and when you will share them with her, she will share her fears with you and you both will be able to support each other in this way.

 

hope my answer is of little help if not much

I pray Allah SWt eases all on u.

May Allah SWT guide us all alike Allahumma aameeen

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Salam

 

Jazzakallah Khayr!

 

My wife also experienced her mother being mistreated by husband and the whole family. They did not give her food and at one moment she almost starved to death, because they kicked her out and abandoned her.

 

My wifes aunt also had a very bad relationship with her husband. He mistreated her by putting her on leash in such a manner that she could not stand straight, but was in a bowing position all the time. He was harsh to her and she must cover all body including face. After a while he married a second wife and he allowed her to uncover and show her beauty publicly.

 

My wife shows similar trademarks in her behaviour.

Edited by Yusha

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