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My Muslim "boyfriend's" Possible Fianceé

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Hi everybody.

I´m here as a believer in God and someone who i think will be converted within the next 6 months (as in i have been reading lots and now see now reason why NOT to be Muslim).

That said, and even though i know it's zina, i have a muslim "boyfriend". i put both this word in inverted comments because he can't really be my boyfriend because of the situation


we have been seeing each other for a year. before he met me he drank, smoked marijuana, slept with lots of girls and hardly prayed. then after a month or 2 with me, he stopped the drinking, smoking, partying and became settled. with this new tranquil lifestyle, he began to pray more too. then he went away for Ramadan. and since then he has embraced the faith more and more. now sleeping with me is about the only serious sin he commits. and now he is worried about zina too and so he has found himself a good muslim girl online (who wears a hijab, is a virgin etc). they have been speaking online since sept (so 6 months or so). they met in november in person once. but he never really was that seemingly "into" her because, obviously, he has continued relationship with me. since jan however he has been worrying more and more about having sex with me and i see now the girl has put her facebook status as "married". he says it doesn't matter if he is in love with me because he "has" to marry someone from his country because in the future he wants to live there (i don't think he realises i would live there with him). and his family still think he's a virgin and so if he married me, they'd ealise he'd not (cos they'd assume i'm not virgin given i'm typical european,,,ie we have met and been boyfriend/girlfriend).


so my dilemma is....do i tell the girl? i love him so much and even now i don't want to have sex with him, i just want to be with him. i don't think he oves the girl for many reasons (which i won't go into here) but mainly because he is hiding such a big secret, and it will be such a big burden in his life. he tells me it's ok because you repent your sins to Allah so if she doesn't find out (he doesn't confess to her) it's still ok cos he'll repent to God. but i mean he obviously doesn't regret what's happening cos it continues happening. he'll just stop it when he has no choice (ie when they go live in their country). which isn't regretting, it's just like drinking a bottle of vodka and , once it's finished, "faking" that you regretted drinking it (but it's no longer there so you aren't tested to reject it and overcome the weakness) .


i think i am better for him in that i know everything about him so i can help him overcome his weaknesses (sex, lying...). this girl has no idea and he will be able to keep sinning in the future cos he knows she's innocent and will not realise what he gets up to. i can give him advice when he feels weak and talk to him about his past and if we stop having sex now, then in the future, when we do things "right" (ie get married) we can talk about our (less than perfect) pasts and enjoy how much better and tranquil we are because we're doing things in accordance with the Quran.


i just think this is a terrible decision for him but he feels pressure from the family. but surely doing what it says in the Quran (non-virgin marry non virgin) is more important than keeping up image?


do i tell the girl? because surely it's bad to keep this hidden for him?


he says it's ok cos he doesn't lie direct to her (ie she never asks him if he's had sex, he just gives the impression he hasn't)...but i mean surely giving a false impression is just as bad as lying?


please help.


i am beginning to embrace Islam and the changes are happening a lot quicker than i thought and i promise it's not for the boy. i intend to continue no matter what the outcome.


Thanks so much for your help, peace

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.....also this week his dad bought him a flat...ie he is one step closer to being able to marry her.......

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Bismillahi Rahmanil Rahim,


Hi there, first off, I dont know if its a good idea telling the girl, because a.) it will only piss him off alot and b.) it will make u look bad.

One thing I can say is, I can see where he is coming from, as in marrying someone from your own culture, etc. It is much easier for the family to accept. Families from Muslim backgrounds usually like finding a spouse for their son/daughter from a similar background, the main reason being, understanding the culture, religion, ways of life. When we marry into a foreign culture, or someone from a completely different culture, race, religion, we see the possibility of problems in the future, because our cultures are so different that they tend to clash. We also see that many non Muslim families have a higher rate of "divorces/family conflict" etc. And in Islam, we like to keep the family together and intact, and sometimes, culture wise, divorces are looked down on and frowned upon.

I mean personally, I think you would definitely be better for him, especially if you embrace the culture, religion, and have true love for him, because sometimes "TRUE" love is hard to find. And yes living in denial, or false impressionism isnt so great either.

I've had the same situation, but my "GF" wouldnt embrace my culture or religion, and was an atheist, so I was unable to marry her. You on the otherhand, are a person of the "scriptures", which in Islam is allowed to marry. And ill tell you that if you married him, and became Muslim, not purely just for him, but for the Truth, you and him will get so much more Ajr (blessings) from Allah (SAW), especially him!


I think the main problem of this is family, he doesnt want to dissapoint his family, but if theres a way his family agrees, you could be in with a grin :sl:


Anyways, thats my 2 cents haha, hope it works out for you guys, and Inshallah Allah guides you to the right path,


Until then, take care and Salam Waleikum

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bismillah ar-rahman nirahim


It is a very complicated situation. But I think the most important thing is repentance. And a form of repentance is shame.

If you feel shame, for your acts, then be strong and do not repeat them again.


I believe it would be a terrible idea to tell this other women. And this is why. Don't just think about now, think about the future.


If you put a cover on someone elses sins. Then maybe Allah (subhannah wa ta'ala) will put a cover on your sins on the day of judgement.


Also remember Islam = peace.

so if you want peace then, avoid telling this other women.

It could possibly destroy, this relations with his own family.


Peace be with you. May Allah (subhannah wa ta'ala) guide you and forgive your past sins and future sins. Ameen.

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Sister, I know that since you are starting to embrace Islam (which sounds like you are a convert, especially considering that you're European), I don't want to scare you away from the religion. But I think that you would be way better off if you stopped sleeping with him. You are a Muslim, and Allah has honored us by giving us a lifestyle that makes us pure and chaste, and makes our relationships just as pure and chaste.


The second reason is that this man does not deserve either of you. He is a dishonorable person who is doing injustice to both you and the woman that he is secretly courting. If he decides to marry you, who is to say that he won't cheat on you? He seems to have no moral scruples dating two people at once. He sounds like he's just using you for his physical needs.


I wouldn't say it's up to you to tell the other woman about your relationship, but I do believe she has a right to know. After all, wouldn't anyone want to know that they are being cheated on? And more importantly, doesn't she as a (presumably) chaste woman have the right to refuse being married to a man who is not chaste? I think you should press him into being honest.


In any case, you are better off without someone like him. There are plenty of good, righteous Muslim men. May Allah ease your troubles and give you a loving, devoted husband.

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testing reply....

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Tell the girl, she has the right to know what she's getting herself into, he is leaving you for a stupid reason, he's a fool

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Please get over him and MOVE on with your life.This is the most disgraceful way to treat a woman. He is behaving with utmost disrespect towards both of you. There is no point in telling the girl anything.As that is entirely a matter between him and her.Infact you will get a bad image in all this because a question will arise as to what kind of relationship did you enjoy with him. Let him go and spend his life himself..we all are accountable for our sins and he will have to face the repercussions one day or the other. Love can do wonders,and sometimes it can take us to a fools paradise as well. I hope you get out of this phase soon ,and understand that whatever Allah has planned for you is best and bound to happen.Dont get into this triangle.It will just make you hurt more.Even if you both manage to spend your life together.Iam sure you will never be able to forget all the pain he has caused,and will be suspicious of him all the time.

Zina is one the greatest sins in Islam , it is important that you realize your mistake as well. Pray to Allah repent and start a new life and learn from your mistakes.The guy that will truly love and honour you will never let you get involved in such activities,and if he does get physical with you ,you will be his foremost priority and he will marry you.There will be no second woman.

Thank God that you have been saved...and deserve much better in life...dont do this to yourself..dont restrict yourself to him..he is not worth it.

Make your self..chaste from the mind and body...get rid of the past..let Allah spread his light into your heart..and trust me everything will get easier to you..

it takes time..

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