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Hussein3x

Dad, Lost His Way.

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Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sisters, I'd like to first apologize for asking so many questions on this site.

 

Alright so the problem, all of us muslims should love our parents right? Well one of my parents, my dad, has really lost his way. Back In ???-2006 he was the greatest dad you could wish for, he was so kind and religious. During those years me and him used to talk about how we would go to hajj together, and such. Now he talks about Tv shows, the news and just some little other stuff. Some time in 2006 he decided that he was a bit over weight, which he was, so we all supported him when he said that he wanted to loose weight. We kept on complimenting my dad, because we loved him. Than around 2007, when he had lost a good amount of weight, he did something unusually for a person like him, he started shopping...A lOT. I could swear he had more than 20 pairs of shoes at sometime and his closet was somewhat of a store. Then around 2008-2009 he started to go out really late at night, also somewhere in that time period, he stopped praying. Me and my brother got a bit suspicious, and started looking into his personal things (laptop, phone, etc) which we shouldn't have done. In the end of our snooping around, we found out and confirmed that my dad, was cheating on my mom. I don't want to get too detailed on the cheating part, but it was with more than 2 women. At first, I was beyond angry at him, at some point I actually wanted to kill him. I felt horrible that my dad, a father of 5, was cheating on my mom. What angered me the most was the thought of my 2 younger siblings growing up without a good dad. Now It is 2011, he's still here with the family, and my mom is aware of what he is doing. My mom being a nice person at heart, decided not to get a divorce, because she didn't want to be the one to break up the family. Recently a brother on this site known as Younes and some others convinced me to start praying (Allhamdulillah), so now I'm not angry at my dad, I feel pity for him. I know that he is a good man at heart, but he has lost his way. I don't want my dad to go to hell, yet I'm too afraid to confront him. I can't ask my younger sibling to help me in talking to him because I don't want to ruin things between them and our dad. My mom, has tried talking to him before, but he just wont stop. Insha'Allah I will pray for him, but I also want to confront him. If you guys have any advice feel free to post.

 

P.S. things are completely awkward between me and my dad so PLZ help.

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PropellerAds

Wa Alaikum Assalam

 

Just be honest with your dad and overcome your fear of talking to him. Sometimes in life we are always afraid to confront a person and talk to them but once we do we realise we should have done it long ago. Maybe when your dad sees how much this has affected you he will change.

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Salam

I think that you should be open with him and talk to him about his behaviour. Someone needs to make him realize that this sort of behaviour is totally unaccepted. Make him understand that he has walked away far from the path of righteousness and Islam. Cheating on your mother has left u into a perplexed and frustrated situation , tell him exactly how u feel and how will it eventually affect the entire family..We often deviate from the right path and become dazzled from the short term temptations of this world...spend time with your father..bring him nearer to religion...nearer to your mother...Inshallah I have faith that u will change him and bring him back to what he was with love and compassion

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Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sisters, I'd like to first apologize for asking so many questions on this site.

 

Alright so the problem, all of us muslims should love our parents right? Well one of my parents, my dad, has really lost his way. Back In ???-2006 he was the greatest dad you could wish for, he was so kind and religious. During those years me and him used to talk about how we would go to hajj together, and such. Now he talks about Tv shows, the news and just some little other stuff. Some time in 2006 he decided that he was a bit over weight, which he was, so we all supported him when he said that he wanted to loose weight. We kept on complimenting my dad, because we loved him. Than around 2007, when he had lost a good amount of weight, he did something unusually for a person like him, he started shopping...A lOT. I could swear he had more than 20 pairs of shoes at sometime and his closet was somewhat of a store. Then around 2008-2009 he started to go out really late at night, also somewhere in that time period, he stopped praying. Me and my brother got a bit suspicious, and started looking into his personal things (laptop, phone, etc) which we shouldn't have done. In the end of our snooping around, we found out and confirmed that my dad, was cheating on my mom. I don't want to get too detailed on the cheating part, but it was with more than 2 women. At first, I was beyond angry at him, at some point I actually wanted to kill him. I felt horrible that my dad, a father of 5, was cheating on my mom. What angered me the most was the thought of my 2 younger siblings growing up without a good dad. Now It is 2011, he's still here with the family, and my mom is aware of what he is doing. My mom being a nice person at heart, decided not to get a divorce, because she didn't want to be the one to break up the family. Recently a brother on this site known as Younes and some others convinced me to start praying (Allhamdulillah), so now I'm not angry at my dad, I feel pity for him. I know that he is a good man at heart, but he has lost his way. I don't want my dad to go to hell, yet I'm too afraid to confront him. I can't ask my younger sibling to help me in talking to him because I don't want to ruin things between them and our dad. My mom, has tried talking to him before, but he just wont stop. Insha'Allah I will pray for him, but I also want to confront him. If you guys have any advice feel free to post.

 

P.S. things are completely awkward between me and my dad so PLZ help.

 

Wa alaikumu as-salamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu, brother Hussein

 

First of all, it seems to me that your family situation is already very delicate and awkward as it is, no need for further estrangement. I think you need to get this idea of confronting your father out of your head. I don't think that will do any good. If you want to help your father, you have to do it in a smooth manner. Like I have previously said, Salah/prayer is the corner stone of our religion. It is our religion's foundation. It's a lot harder to keep up an adulterous lifestyle when you pray your five regular prayers. Start with prayer and inshaaAllah things will fall in their proper place. Ask your father to pray with you and your youngest siblings. Ask him to take your youngest siblings to the Masjid for Jumuah, for example. Tell him that the love of the deen should be ingrained in them early on. You want to help your youngest siblings so make use of them to make your cause more emotionally appealing. Ask him to teach them something about Islam. But definately don't ask your youngest siblings to talk to your father, like you said. Like I said, being smooth is the key.

 

I'm going to be frank. I don't think you confronting him will do anything good. You said that your mother has tried talking to him before. Has it helped? It appears not. You come from a Somali background. While I don't come from a Somali background, I don't think that in Somali culture you can just go and confront your father saying, "Well, dad, this is how things ought to be done" - even if absolutely justified. My predictions on the result of a confrontation: best case scenario is you get some weird excuses or ignored, worst case scenario you get whoopped, or your father thinks your mother put you up to it or some other thing that will further estrange your family. I don't know how your father is, i.e. is he potentially violent, paranoid, manipulative etc., but you have to factor these things in. I am sorry but that's the practical point of view. Your father knows what he is doing is wrong. Your mother has told him already. Your father would know this even if she hadn't told him. I doubt your father would listen to you. You know why? Because you are his child. I don't mean to put you down by this, bro. This is my honest evalution. I could be wrong but approach this situation with extreme caution.

 

I symphatise with you. Just pray for your father and be patient. Try to get him to pray. But don't try to tackle the adultery issue. Don't tell him how you feel. You say things are completly awkward between you two. He knows how this adultery thing affects you. The cold hard truth is he doesn't care how it affects you, your siblings nor your mother. Putting it into words most likely won't help that much.

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Wa alaikumu as-salamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu, brother Hussein

 

First of all, it seems to me that your family situation is already very delicate and awkward as it is, no need for further estrangement. I think you need to get this idea of confronting your father out of your head. I don't think that will do any good. If you want to help your father, you have to do it in a smooth manner. Like I have previously said, Salah/prayer is the corner stone of our religion. It is our religion's foundation. It's a lot harder to keep up an adulterous lifestyle when you pray your five regular prayers. Start with prayer and inshaaAllah things will fall in their proper place. Ask your father to pray with you and your youngest siblings. Ask him to take your youngest siblings to the Masjid for Jumuah, for example. Tell him that the love of the deen should be ingrained in them early on. You want to help your youngest siblings so make use of them to make your cause more emotionally appealing. Ask him to teach them something about Islam. But definately don't ask your youngest siblings to talk to your father, like you said. Like I said, being smooth is the key.

 

I'm going to be frank. I don't think you confronting him will do anything good. You said that your mother has tried talking to him before. Has it helped? It appears not. You come from a Somali background. While I don't come from a Somali background, I don't think that in Somali culture you can just go and confront your father saying, "Well, dad, this is how things ought to be done" - even if absolutely justified. My predictions on the result of a confrontation: best case scenario is you get some weird excuses or ignored, worst case scenario you get whoopped, or your father thinks your mother put you up to it or some other thing that will further estrange your family. I don't know how your father is, i.e. is he potentially violent, paranoid, manipulative etc., but you have to factor these things in. I am sorry but that's the practical point of view. Your father knows what he is doing is wrong. Your mother has told him already. Your father would know this even if she hadn't told him. I doubt your father would listen to you. You know why? Because you are his child. I don't mean to put you down by this, bro. This is my honest evalution. I could be wrong but approach this situation with extreme caution.

 

I symphatise with you. Just pray for your father and be patient. Try to get him to pray. But don't try to tackle the adultery issue. Don't tell him how you feel. You say things are completly awkward between you two. He knows how this adultery thing affects you. The cold hard truth is he doesn't care how it affects you, your siblings nor your mother. Putting it into words most likely won't help that much.

 

Thanks for the help borther younes, I'll try and do this smooth. Oh and by the way, my background has 0% somali in it, my parents are arabs and so are most of my family. Me and my cousins grew up in america, anyways, good advice. I actually told him to take me to Friday prayer yesterday, but I think he's going to blow it off. Luckily for me, my oldest brother is coming home tomorrow (summer vacation). My dad totally think my brother is a trophy, so he might listen to him. All in all, again this site has given me GREAT help. I really appreciate it.

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Even though, this goes against what brother younes said. I've decided to confront my dad, smooth talking him doesn't work AT ALL, he's the one who initiates everything, be it Friday prayer, or normal prayer. He's always telling me Islamic quotes, but still he doesn't pray when he doesnt want to and he is still cheating. So insha'Allah I will confront him.

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hey angry young well wishing muslim brother

dont confront your dad

counsel him

ask yourself

can your single sperm cell ever have the right to confront you?

And there are over three million sperm cells in a single male ejaculation

you are one of those three million cells that managed reaching the egg in his/your mother's womb

so whenever you see your dad remember you are his sperm cell that he supported and educated to grow enough to start snooping around his laptop

secondly

remember that a long time before he lost his way his path was obstructed

it is evident from your writings that

he has emough funds to allow him supporting a second wife

and that your familial traditions would probably murder him if he married another

next

remember how boring it must ne for a man to come back to the same woman each night for over 29 years

since that is what i suspect the age of your parents marriage

and a mother of five must smell of garlic and onions on many anights

spare your dad the trauma of confronting him with your lack of experience and finesse

you can counsel him ofcourse

first admit to your mistake of spying about him

which is forbidden in the quran

next apoogize to him for holding his choices of spendingmhis own money on whatever he chose

next apologize to him for resenting his freedom

then apologize for your social system that disallows second or more marriages while continues to encourage the wife to change into the lose bag that they become when they know none but thier husbands will savour thier charms

next apologize for taking on the responsibility of your younger siblings and playing the dad of your dad by expecting him to follow your desired modes of action and routine

next apologize for discussing him in public

then thank him for teaching you and encouraging you to pray

and at the same time apologize for playing god at monitoring his prayer delivery

by the time you end doing all the above the man will have understood what brought all of it on and probably that night will be of peace for the entire household

oh yes and do this all outside of anyone else?s vision or hearing

salaam and if possible report back young man

salaam

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