Greg 17 Posted February 8, 2013 I suppose I should begin at the start. I had a loving upbringing which had its traumatic side attimes, but generally happy nonetheless. My sister who is two years older thanme was born with retinoblastoma, essentially cancer in her left eye. For whichshe had to receive radiotherapy and sadly the eventual removal of her eye tostop the cancer from spreading. This was all happening while my Mother waspregnant with me, and from a baby right up to around three years of age I wassubjected to tests to check I did not have the condition. Thank Allah I did notbut a lot of the strongest memories from this time for me are of dark rooms andnurses forcing needles into me to give me anaesthesia. Still apart from thosetimes I had a very happy upbringing in a very loving environment, I was alwaysnaturally shy however and did not cope too well with extreme pressure. I had afairly normal school life which included the usual stints of bullying whichwhile not as bad as what I saw happening to other kids, did leave me more shyand insular. My nerves were getting quite bad around fifteen and sixteen andthe school environment never felt safe so I was even more on edge pretty much24/7 during those years. Still, I coped as best I could and went on to start Alevel studies. I fell ill with Glandular fever just before the first year of Alevels so missed the first term and struggled to catch up, I did ok duringexams but that pressure which I had always struggled with only increased withteachers and peers putting a lot of importance on essentially insignificantthings. Again I was just about coping and finished that first year of A levelstudy. The second year started off fine but with more pressure, this timelearning to drive and more importantly I had developed an extremely closefriendship with a girl. We supported each other through the year and becamecloser as a result, I guess we were each other's rock during this time. I wasalso starting to go out socially at night and to be honest, I hated it! But itwas something I felt I had to do because others were doing it, also my friend wouldgo so I felt extra pressure to go along to look after her. It was about this time that I realised that I had started tofall for my friend, but we were so close by that point I felt unable to riskthe friendship so I never acted on it. We talked on the phone for around fourhours a night, every night. I couldn't face loosing my support and best friend. Looking back, this was when the cracks really started to show. At Christmas during that final yearI started feeling like I had to look out for her more and more, to make sureother boys would not take advantage of her or harm her. During a New Yearsparty we attended I saw the usual drunken boys leering and bothering her butshe was also drunk and for some reason that night wouldn't talk to me, nothinghad happened to cause her to do this so I just felt put out and hurt, I guessthis shows how weak I must have been at the time because when midnight struckshe wouldn't even embrace me. I just didn't cope. I carried on like everythingwas fine and went home as usual but I felt like I had lost my only true friend.Even worse the following day I found out that one of my friends who knew howclose we were had been trying to woo her and they had decided to give being ina relationship a go. To my mind at that time I felt broken, I had lost my onebest friend and another friend who had previously promised to look after bothof us. I see things in a different light now, and realise that I was not wellbut at the time I just fell apart. I could not go to school and in my mind belaughed at by everyone and at the same time have no one to support me. I lostmy group of friends who dropped me in favour of the new couple and moreimportantly I had still lost best friend; the one thing I had fought for solong against my feelings to make not happen. I realise now I had suffered a breakdown, the actions over Christmas had just been the straw thatbroke the camel's back. I physically was unable to leave the house, I just feltlike the only safe place was my home, like if I left I would see them togetheron the street somehow, no matter how unlikely that was. I eventually went tothe doctors with my Mother and started to get a little help and after a fewmonths I was starting to feel better even though I was not well enough toreturn to school. By my eighteenth birthday (At the end of that school year.)my parents decided to take me to Rhodes with them to celebrate the milestone. Iwas coping well. I had not spoken to my friend since falling ill as I felt Icould not cope with talking to her while I was in such a fragile state of mind. The night before we were due to fly I got a happy birthday text from my friend and it brought backall of those memories of hurt and rejection and betrayal. Still the next day wewent to the airport to set off for the holiday, the whole time in the airport Ifelt fine but the second I sat down on the plane I started to panic, I supposebeing in an enclosed space. Then the pilot came on and said the plane neededrefuelling so we would have to wait while this was done. For some reason thisflicked a switch for me and I really started to panic and needed to get off theplane. We were still not moving and connected to the ramp but we were notallowed to leave the plane. I don't remember too much apart from just goinginto myself and being frozen in fear during that whole flight. It was just purefear. Eventually we arrived in Rhodes and we got to our hotel but I was a wreck, I knew I wasn'table to get back on a plane to get home, I was just a mess. So we spent thenext week going to different hospitals trying to arrange for some way to getback home. Eventually ending up visiting a mental hospital on the island andtrying to convince the doctors there that I could not cope with flying back home.Luckily we were able to arrange for a private doctor to sedate me and fly backhome with us. We arrived back home safely but I was totally broken, I felt like an empty shell. We saw localdoctors here in the UK and got medication to calm me down and let me relax athome but I was still in pieces. I contacted my friend who had sent me the textthat night before leaving for Rhodes and said that I needed to break off allcontact with her, I was still in love with her and just needed time to getbetter and get over her. That was pretty much when my journey began. While Iwas unable to leave the house I started exploring everything about life that Icould, I just needed some answers. I started reading books on near deathexperiences and people who had died, experienced the afterlife and then hadbeen sent back. From there I felt like I was pushed from one subject toanother; yoga, energy systems like reiki, pressure points and the like. Icarried on learning as much as I could, always being constantly bounced fromone subject to the next finding little answers and building up a picture ofwhat I could find some belief in. Eventually after about seven years I hadsettled on a kind of agnostic spiritualism; I knew there was a God but I hadn'tfound any one system or religion which felt right. I had never real faithgrowing up and had only been given the 'Christianity lite' that school in theUK gives you. I've always loved History with a passion so while some parts ofChristianity felt true, I knew that the Bible had been changed and edited overtime by people with ulterior motives. But now I felt happy, I had found commonthemes and answers in all of the subjects I had learnt and researched andcreated my own belief system out of what was common across them all. Then a year ago I was contacted out of the blue by my best friend. She had previously tried to contact me before a fewyears previously but I still had not felt strong enough to talk to her and Iwas still in love with her. This time however I felt strong enough so we beganto talk. We talked just like we had as teenagers, for hours and hours on end.She was now in her final year of medical school and was nearly a qualifieddoctor. We made our peace. We both knew we had not been coping with thepressures of that time in the past and we just came to be like we had beenbefore. It was nearing her birthday around five months after she had contacted me and I had bought her abook which had helped me when I was feeling down a few years ago. 'What DreamsMay Come' by Richard Matheson. I was due to go away to Northumberland for aweek with my parents for a break so decided to just post the book when I gotback. The break away went fine, I had strangely had my first big panic attack since that holiday inRhodes the night before we left, but I had coped and we left and had a greatholiday. Getting back into the house I turned my computer on and found messageswaiting for me on facebook. It turned out that my friend had dropped dead a daybefore we went on holiday. I eventually found out that during the past fewyears she had not been coping well and had developed an eating disorder, spenttime in intensive care and had luckily recovered. She had not however told methis, even though we had talked for hours on end on the phone during our newfriendship. She had said she was suffering with her nerves but nothing else.Even though she had recovered, she had unknowingly permanently damaged herinternal organs and so eventually her body had just given up. I just felt destroyedagain. I can't describe what I felt like inside, but I didn't cope. I grievedfor her every day, I missed my sister's wedding later that year because mynerves were so bad I couldn't leave the house and I started having huge panicattacks where I would collapse and black out. This continued for six months orso and the grief got worse every day instead of better. I had been given newtablets to help with the panic attacks but the grief was tearing me apart,worse than any other feelings over a death before, even when very close familymembers had passed away. I eventually did something I had never done seriouslybefore and prayed for help, anything just to let me have some life again. About a week later I stumbled onto a documentary on youtube called 'The Arrivals' and even though itwas nearly eight hours long, I sat and watched it in two sittings. By the endof it I felt like my heart had been replaced with a new one. I still felt griefas strong as before but I felt fresh and had a yearning for knowledge that Ihad never felt before. The documentary was based around Islam and I just knew Ihad to research the subjects it had brought up. I bought an English version ofthe Quran and the second I started reading the first sura, I physically felt inlove. Not happy but that feeling in your chest when you are in love withsomeone and see them at the end of the day. I had never felt anything like itbefore in my life apart from when I had been in love with my friend all thoseyears ago. I read and read and I knew before I was even half way through that Ihad come to the end of my journey for finding the answers in life. The Arrivalsdocumentary had somehow started to answer nearly all of the questions thatnothing previously had been able to do. The Quran finished those answers andfelt like my very own personal book of answers, any question I had it answered!I also had stumbled onto the online talks and lectures by Imran Nazar Hosein.His wise, clear and often fun talks opened up the world of Islam to me. A few weeks later I finished reading the Quran and each time I had opened that noble book I feltthat same huge feeling of love and contentment. I decided I felt ready to startto pray and clumsily bowed on my knees towards Mecca. The second my forehead hitthe floor I felt that same love and contentment that I had received whenreading the Quran. I started smiling and just knew that I had found myself andthe right path in life. I jokingly said in my head to Allah I would have to nowstart imagining him with a beard and turban, at that instant I felt, not heard,but felt the happiest laughter go through my body. I could do nothing else butstart to laugh back! I must have looked like a complete loon but I felt apersonal connection that day and it has continued to this day each time I pray.Sometimes I feel a comforting pressure on my shoulder but there is always thephysical warmth in my chest of being in the presence of a loving and caringAllah. I never thought these type of connections could exist, to have actualphysical feelings happen to me from a higher power. That was exciting and mindblowing enough, but to know and feel that this power loved me and was guidingand protecting me, words can't describe that feeling. I was however still unable to leave the house or have visitors, so eventually I decided to take theshahada by myself and immediately I felt a feeling of acceptable wash over meand I knew that it had been accepted. I also felt the urge to help people witheating disorders. I had always felt that maybe I should do something like thatbecause of what had happened to my friend but this time it was a push, a realneed. So I joined a forum which was for supporting people fighting eatingdisorders and from day one, I felt the grief in my heart start to leave me.Within a few months the grief had completely gone. I realised that my friendsdeath had not been a punishment or a sad event but the complete opposite. Allahhad brought her back into my life right at the end of hers so we could make ourpeace, one last gift from her. Now a little over seven months after taking the shahada I am praying five to seven times a day,eating correctly according to Islam and reading through the Quran a second timeand both of these still fill me with huge feelings of love and contentment. Istill have that loving connection each time I pray and every day I am thankfulto Allah for bringing me back to him. So that is my story, so far! I am still not well enough to visit a Masjid or take part in my localMuslim community and that saddens me but I know that if and when I am ready,Allah will guide me to those things. The only part of my life now which fillsme with sadness is not having someone to share my Islam with. I pray that oneday Allah will see fit to find me a kind and loving Muslim wife who I can learnthe more traditional parts of Islam from (I can almost see the smiles and hearthe happy laughter from Allah at my clumsy praying!) and who will love me asmuch as I love her. One day I would love to walk to Mecca on pilgrimage fromthe UK with her, a long but beautiful walk to complete Hajj. For now I am justhappy to live my life under the love and protection of Allah. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Saracen21stC 239 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) :sl:Wow brother! This is a very unique story. Congratulations. May Allah (SWT) make you well very soon. I always have my prayers and support for you ;-) Edited February 8, 2013 by Saracen21stC Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Absolute truth 125 Posted February 8, 2013 So, 'The Arrivals' was your first step Alhamdulilah :) Now the first step is to find a masjid/mosque for friday prayers Inshaa'Allah Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dot 353 Posted February 8, 2013 Assalamo alaikum brother Greg Masha'Allah, what a beautiful and inspiring story. Insha'Allah when you start going to a masjid, and make Muslim friends, you will be completely cured. May Allah Almighty always guide you and bless you with happiness in both worlds. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
adam27 11 Posted February 21, 2013 with a little more persistence and a little more effort, what seemed hopeless failure is always turned to a glorious success. i feel proud about you brother. May Allah Ta'ala continue to shower His Blessings and Guidance upon us (Every Muslim around the World). Amen. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites