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Help Me Regarding My Issue Urgent

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Asalam alaikum

 

My issue concerns my conscience towards Allah. I feel extreme guilt.

 

I must tell it all frm begnning

 

I know a man since many years now i love him and wanted to marry him he is a good person. Somehow many years back before we were married cause we r marriwd since half year now i made istikhara but inside i really wanted to marry him i couldnt imagine leaving him. I did istikhara because i needed tp forget a wrong istikhara i did without thinking.with opening quran randomly and so on and taking first word which came out a bit shocking like rethink or hell. I found its a wrong istikhara and shia do this but i cudn forget it i kept thinking while doing it i didn knw its wrong and Allah gave me right sign towards my niyat. But to keep hope i had to do sunnah way so i could feel better. The thing is that i actually wanted to marry him but some opinions say one must decline his wish which is difficult but some others say ur heart will always want sth. Anyway i used to think Allah giving me signs i shd leave him any small thing i thought i must leave him. I actually dont see the isitkhara as asking for khair but i was seeing it now more as gettin permission from Allah. Cause wen sth negative happend and i thought Thats a sign that Allah tells me to leave i kept fearing and couldnt accept it inside i wanted to continue at the end its decree whatever comes. But my niyat is i feel so bad i actually feel like i went against Allahs permission i didn want to leave him anyway and Allah counts that. After i married now everything of these oöd thoughts came back. I feel i have chosen someone over Allah and the fact which makes me depressed most is that i cant imagine to leave him i cant. Thats makes me feel so much more hypocrital and sinful. I again fell into confusion fear asking Allah to forgive me and so on. Always again seeing sth like signs as Allah again sending me signs.like reading some sentence or hadith by coincidence fittin to me as Allah telling me leave him. But once that happend i cudn again accept it and think doing it.Its like i know i wont do it i cant do it as long i cant i am feeling i willingly accepting that i go against Allah and prefer someone astaghfirullah.bcuz thats wht i just cant do this pain i cudnt take it why shd Allah b pleased with me and this marriage. You know if my intention would b just to want khair in my life with him no calimities etc then i wud say i have made istikhara with fully correct intentions and now also just wanting best. But wht concerns me is that i dont hv to leave him that i can be with him forever. I wud bear problems i will have etc but not that i must leave him..thtsy i cant even say: no my only intention is i want to stay with him with hope forgood life etc.but my real n only intention is just that i cant leave him. You knw wht i mean? Its like this fear i have which i feel got bigger than i shd have fear of Allah is exactly the thing i must sacrifice then only then im sincere cuz thats exactly what i cant do in my mind fr Allah.

 

One day again i said ya Allah wht shd i do tht u forgive me n repeating it again again while walkin. In that moment my husband called n i want to take phoneout of my bag n the bag got torn in tht moment. As a sign i shd leave him which means tearing. Thinking Allah is trying to help me n show me but i dont want to follow it anyway thats the thing.even if these signs r wrong i cant follow them anyway i feel so hypocrital. As it counted i dont want to follow it anyway.what difference it makes then..if i ask Allah to forgive me i find myself n feelinf like i said Allah forgiveme tht i cant leave smeone for you and prove my love to you which is more. U see how i feel. What shd i do i feel its my nafs wanting him i hv a battle with my nafs which desires wishes sth but in wrong way and with wrong niya and with wrong priority why i think Allah will count what i feel doing. Allah knows all.

 

I cant come out of that circle. I cant stop my feelings which i have towards husband nor i can chose him over Allah. Im suffering i have like a test i feel.

 

Will Allah punish me? Will he count all i feel and act upon? Because i feel im doing sin its not that i imagine sth which isnt there. I feel there is a choosing and i cant do it .

 

Salam

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