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Should I Tell On My Sister?

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Assalamu alaikum,

 

My family has been having a difficult time with one of my sisters. She does haram things and often hides it from our parents. She will be out late a night with her friends and make up excuses. She is talking to a new guy, planning to get married to him, and I recently saw pictures from the guy's social media indicating that the two met and they took pictures together.  He lives many states away. I think it is very inappropriate on her part and do not know if I should have my parents know about this or if I should keep her sin a secret. I obviously would never tell anyone outside of family (to save her reputation) but I am tempted to tell my younger sister and inform our parents about it. I mean our parents are constantly lied to by her and I think they deserve to know what is going on. My dad and brother don't want her getting married to this guy, but I think they may be more willing to accept it if they know the extent of the situation--i.e. she's actually met up with him in person and so on. Now my family isn't crazy and they wouldn't do anything crazy. The most that will happen if they know is to lecture her and to take this all more seriously, perhaps even get more serious about marrying her as she's just ruining her reputation in my opinion.

 

The other side of this would be to keep this a secret as she intended, hide her sin, and not backbite her. It is between her and Allah (swt).

 

Advice is needed urgently. Jazakallahu khair.

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Wa alaikum assalam

 

Perhaps you try to talk to her first. Advice her to get closer to Allah, with prayers and reading the Quran. The more she practices the less she would be willing to commit any sins insha'Allah.

If that didn't work, you should tell your parents. She needs guidance.

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Wa alaikum assalam

 

Perhaps you try to talk to her first. Advice her to get closer to Allah, with prayers and reading the Quran. The more she practices the less she would be willing to commit any sins insha'Allah.

If that didn't work, you should tell your parents. She needs guidance.

 

 

I have talked to her a lot but she doesn't listen. It literally goes in through one ear and out the other. She seems to put her own interests and that of her friends' before her family. Part of it is my father's fault as he doesn't take the appropriate steps as a true guardian (wali). After her last break-up, I sat her down and talked to her for a long time about how she should never repeat the mistake of talking to a non-mahram on her own and that the pain she suffered was likely due to it not starting off on a halal footing in the first place. I told her to involve a third party of wali from the get-go next time and lots of other things. Instead, she quickly finds this other guy off of a website her friend recommended her and started talking to him on the phone and what not. My dad scolded her from downstairs for hours on end, when he found out from my younger sister, telling her not to destroy the family's reputation or hers and stop rushing things or doing things behind my parents' back. He then chose a religious person for her to marry but she kept refusing.  When back in high-school, she would go out late in the evening, dressed up with her friends my mom would try to stop her. One time she (my mom) even tore her shirt in the driveway begging her not to drive off in the evening and come back who knows when. It nonetheless continued to be a pattern for her to go out with her friends and come back late at night ( e.g. 3 am or later) and even after my mom would always be extremely mad at her, she continued. Some people just don't want to listen. She is turning 22 now--I feel like she should know what or what not to do for herself. I would feel guilty telling my parents about the pictures I've came across because 1) we already have an idea she is not up to much good so what use will this be other than backbiting her 2) her relationship and trust with my parents may deteriorate even more 3) my younger sister will inevitably find out and get involved--she's bratty and immature and will inevitably use it against her to taunt her.  I am thinking maybe Allah (swt) does not want me to reveal her sins. This is not the first time she's met with this guy. A year earlier I found out through 'catfishing' the guy and he revealed how he met such and such girl who is a close friend and lives in our state. This my sister and I did tell our parents. But these recent pictures indicate she has done it yet again. Not sure if there would be any benefit if I told my parents other than distressing her even more as clearly she knows how she wants to act and isn't receptive to changing.  

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Why don't your parents prevent her from going out at night. or even deprive her from advantages like the car, allowance etc.

If I was her dad, I would ground her in her room with no phone, laptop or any gadgets. I would lock her in the room allowing her only food, Quran and a prayer mat.

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Well, she works and goes to her classes. But other than that, you're right. My parents just are not vigilant enough with her. They don't know much about enforcing discipline. They might talk the talk, but don't walk the walk and to be honest, most of the time, they don't even verbally admonish her much. Maybe they've given up on her in a sense or they simply don't care enough.

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With all this said though, do you still think I should tell them about the new pictures?

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Sure, they're the ones in charge. By doing so, you're not backbiting, you want her to be better.

Then its up to them to take proper action.

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Sure, they're the ones in charge. By doing so, you're not backbiting, you want her to be better.

Then its up to them to take proper action.

 

Well, I have to be honest here, lol. The truth is that me and my two younger sisters have began to resent her because as I mentioned in my  earlier post, she puts her friends and personal desires above her family, and treats us very poorly. She has treated me very badly, for one, and I don't think my heart will ever truly accept her or completely forgive her even if my mouth might because of how she treated me so mercilessly especially when I needed someone most and constantly reached out to her. She responded by excluding me from everything, not talking to me, and shutting me out of her life. My younger sisters have their own qualms and complaints about her as well. So, in all honesty, when I take a deep look at my intentions, I know that they are not really 100% in the right place in the sense that it is kind of also us wanting our parents to discipline her more and see her for what she truly is--and they would lose their trust in her as a result and be more harsh with her. Mostly, I truly am shocked about her unIslamic behavior and about how she dares to do even do these things behind our backs, while pretending she is an angel and victim, and part of it is also I want them to have a clearer picture of who she has turned out to be. I also want her to regret her actions in a sense. But Allah (swt) knows people's hearts and intentions best and I am doubtful when I take a closer look at mine, which is why I am afraid to tell my parents and subsequently sin because of it. I hope I don't seem mischievous or ill-wishing--I am the exact opposite of that, but it is just that she has treated us so poorly yet she is still treated preferentially.

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Set your feelings towards her aside. Its clear and simple. You have a duty to help your parents in raising their children. If you know something that can help, you have no right to hide it from them.

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Yeah, you're right. I actually just found out today that my youngest sister found the pictures herself at just around the same time as me and she already told our parents. My parents didn't even reprimand her.  My dad even got mad at my youngest sister. I think they're just afraid our relatives or others might find out. Maybe they know she's out of control and can't do anything about it. Or maybe, deep down, they do not really believe she is doing something all that bad.  Who knows.

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