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propnanerade

Heartbreak of premarital relationship

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I was in a premarital friendship with a Muslim girl, and I have disabilities such as severe anxiety, wiswas, OCD, ADHD (impulsivity basically, which can not be treated by ANY MED, believe me I've tried, it only causes horrible side effects), autism, slight depression. so i became friends with her, and exchanged snapchats, and she didn't even give me her real name after I had forgot it, saying she accidentally said it and insisted I refer to her by her nickname. I had anxiety attacks, because I was so not used to this, instead I was used to being socially isolated. But I decided to stick with seeing her. But only one day passed and it ended. Because Eid started today, and I went to go see my professor before class started, but she was seeing her students at the end of class, and i asked if i could ask a question, and i asked, then asked if i could stay, and i asked the girl if i could chat with her, but she said she had to go, so I got worried she was trying to run away from me because i texted her too much, yesterday and today, and i tried finding her to apologize, but i felt that only made it worse, so i asked the professor if i could go home for eid, and she said yes. i look back and realize i got paranoid a lot and acted creepy a lot, without her realizing it. i dont wanna say what i did because my mother's spies may be watching. anyway, i went home, but my mother was FURIOUS! she said, how DARE you miss college for Eid???????? youre missing the curriculum!!!!!!! just go to the prayer, meet people, and go to school!!!!!!! she even gossiped about me to my grandmother. in front of me. i feel terrible. i went through such horrible anxiety, self doubt, self consciousness, guilt, shame, worry her parents may not be letting her date, and now i want to know, you see, i know it is haram, so how can i make it right? how can i repent? how do i not be punished for this?

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just got constantly anxious from waiting for her to text me, then she would text me, over and over, and then, i said something inappropriate and she implied it was, and in order to avoid embarassment i blocked her. now i have to face her at school. 

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why is no one responding? i nearly drank perfume from heartbreak and had thoughts of suicide or self harm. curse be to all of you who refused to reply.

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