Jump to content
Islamic Forum
Sign in to follow this  
Guest Someone Out there

How Important Is Mutual Attraction Before Marrying

Recommended Posts

Guest Someone Out there

Salam

 

 

I would like to know how important is mutual attraction before marriage ? It is a Sunnah to look at each other for the man and woman before agreeing to marrying.

 

I am at a stage where it has been a few weeks of contact and we finally got to see each other (pictures exchange but meeting too would be soon if i want to continue). Without being specific, i am not quite attracted to the girl yet. She is good mashallah practices Islam really well (full hijab/jilbab with other Islamic activities that people rarely do). Infact in america, according to the sources that know her family and from what i hear and know now, i would consider her one of the most intelligent and Allah-fearing female.

 

After talking to some scholars and imams, they said that it is true marriage choice should be based on religion but one of the few main things to consider too are physical attraction to each other, (and other things that i dont have problem like family background, bringing up in usa, etc). Because marriage serves as a deterrent to gazing unlawfully and adultry. They asked me to wait and think and do Istikhara and then reply after a few days how i feel. ( I hope the girls family is not really waiting in haste for the reply after having me see her).

 

So i am kind of stuck, i need to live a life that ends me up in Al Firdus in the here-after and i'm sure this girl would be great for that purpose based on her personality, character and her deen. The only problem is that i have seen far more beautiful girls in my life, neighborhood back home and families. in usa its easy to get married but very hard if it does not work out (divoce is painful so i' gotta be careful beforehand)

 

if you guys have some authentic information on this issue feel free to share, others who dont feel free to read.

 

jazakAllah-kheir.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PropellerAds

Salam,

 

Brother I think you have answered your own question. It is recommended by our prophet (pbuh) to see the person that we are to marry. Physical attraction is important otherwise what you have said about adultery becomes hard. It will be like living hell if you didn’t feel any attraction for the person that you are about to spend your life with.

 

From the four categories our prophet (pbuh) stated that one should consider deen the first of the four. Once deen is in place the other three falls in place as Allah blesses the marriage.

 

As you have said the sister has great Islamic knowledge and very Allah fearing then brother I suggest maybe give it a go. It is always the inside of a person that matters then the outside which to me is very deceiving. Never read a book by it covers. Plus picture can be deceiving too as some are not photogenic. Like me….got rejected few times…then when they saw me they were like… :D .’gee what did I miss on’….lol..lol..lo

..lol.. :D ...joke but true...

 

The out side of a person can change but the inside will always stay the same. Do isthikara and think about. You have said some positive stuff about the sister. Allah knows best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Someone Out there

Salam,

 

I think one of the points you made was also said by the Imam today after my talk at the Fajr prayer. He said why dont you go ahead and meet (after asking their permission and invitation to their part of the usa). But then he said it would hurt the family if you say NO after you meet more than saying it now (earlier). His personal (emphasize personal) opinion is that he does not prefer marrying out of the city because its easier to ask about family and see the family without even hurting them too much.

 

Inshallah I'll talk to more scholars, i've some phone numbers i'm dialing now and then and getting more opinion.

 

apart from this problem, to sum it up, from what i hear she is a gem.

 

make dua for me people!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Salam,

 

apart from this problem, to sum it up, from what i hear she is a gem.

 

make dua for me people!

 

 

Salam

 

What does that mean? gem??

 

Well then if you didn’t meet her then of course you never know you will find a prettier sister but the deen will be lacking. It is a compromise you have to make on what is more important to you beauty or deen?

 

Am sure it is not going to be like beauty and the beast…lol.

 

Well can’t you arrange a meeting like see her around when she is at work, college, shopping. Maybe like follow her around in that way you get to see her character and plus the looks too. I suppose it is a bad idea but at least you will know whether you want a proper meeting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

assalaamu alaykum,

 

are you attracted enough?

 

i mean would you be happy with this woman?

 

if attracted enough (by which i mean is she errrh stimulating to you) then go for it if she has good deen and character.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

lol...sounds like a pretty word to me....awww....

 

3: a person who is a brilliant and precious as a piece of jewelry [syn: jewel]

 

so brother what is the problem...i say take a look at her...you never know.. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

bro, i advise you to do istikhaarah. this will help shed some light on your situation.

 

like sister in Islam said, some ppl are not photogenic. it wouldnt hurt to go meet her in person. its worth giving it a try-you dont wanna spend the rest of your life wondering, what would my life be like if i married her??

Edited by Afghan_Hijabi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aslaamwalaikum,

 

Ok...i dnt knw how my advice will sound but...

 

think abt mothers...they bring their children up, care for them and are basically kind loving mothers....when we was born, we didnt choose our mothers...but now...i think every child (well most)...think their mum is the most beautiful person....y?...b'coz of her pesonality, love, care etc...

 

so...sorry to relate this to 'mothers', but i personally feel maybe you should do ishthikhara (sorry, u prob' have)..and marry her....

 

One thing i have learnt in life...when some1 does have 100% deen, then u knw u can feel safe with them etc...and trust them....n knw u cant go wrong.

 

May Allah swt guide us all and make our decisions easy. Ameen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Assalaamu 'alaikom,

 

I think Istikhara is the best advice anyone can give you. And after that make a decision and be content with it.

 

As for beauty, you cant go one extreme and marry someone u have absolutely no attraction to, and you cant go the other extreme and look for the most attractive girl you can find. If you end up marrying a wife who your completely unattracted to, you'll probably end up divorcing due to the fact that, well, a huge part of marriage, infact the most important part of marriage is that the spouses are able to fulfill their desires with one another in the halal way, and without any attraction to her you most likely wont be able to do that for her and/or she wont be able to do that for you. Also, if you focus on beauty too much and disregard those sisters who have more deen but might not be AS attractive, then know that beauty and attraction isnt the most important part about a woman. If she is lacking deen and good character, that beauty will start to fade in your eyes very soon. Without deen and character, beauty and attraction really doesnt mean much, especially when you know she will be the you'll be spending the rest of your life with and the one raising your kids.

 

If you find SOME attraction to this sister, i say go right ahead and marry her, but first make istikhara.

 

wassalaamu 'alaikom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

salaam aleykum

 

Brother..i have got personal experience. I wasnt attracted to my husband when i got married. It wasnt arranged marriage either. I chose to be married to him for the sake of Allah cos he was religious, kind and would be good for my deen. Allah never let me down for the past 5 yrs and true love blossomed between us. I couldnt love him more if i was attracted to him when we got married. Looks fade away brother. Find something beautiful in her soul. SOmeone who love Allah and his messenger surely deserve your love.

 

If you do something for the sake of Allah (such as putting looks before deen), Allah will never neglect you. The best thing someone could do is marry someone with deen.

 

Hope i helped

swanlake

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

salaam aleykum

 

 

above..i meant (such as putting deen above looks).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

I chose my spouse for being kind, tolerant and for keeping her tongue in controll. Deen was importent but it was secondary factor, simply beqause from my experience deeni peoply often tend to have 'they know best and the rest are sinners and may Allah have mercy on them' type of complex. Look came in third but wasnt much important only that she should have gentle and relaxed look on her face. I am a small guy and I married a fat girl. So far it has worked well for us, no big fights or childish behavior between us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam

 

Although deen is VERY important but looks are what you see first. I mean once you live with a person then of course you grow to respect and love them. Before marriage you only see what every one else sees and that is the look. Only Allah sees the inside. So looks are important too, I mean you can not take a risk and just ‘hope’ that after living with the person you will love them, because they have deen in them. It can go wrong too. :sad:

 

Although it does weigh little but has ahuge impact.... :smile:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Awww…that is so cute sunshinez

 

Well lets not talk too much about looks because this get me panicking since you know what is about to happen to me…lol

 

Well HE isn’t the best guy ever, but OK looking :D :D but has some Islamic knowledge and stresses so much about hijab and loose fitting clothes for women. Heard him talk few time about it, does salah, goes masjid depending, fasts and also did the optional fasts during shaban and du al hajj months. Am sure I will find a lot about him later but I know this much he doesn’t believe in cultural stuff. That’s all I know about him :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

sis sunshinez..i couldnt agree with you more. I was one always who used to put looks first. But at the time I put my aakhira before my desire. Allah repaid me for having faith in Him.

 

Sis-in-Islam..you are right in saying that things can go wrong. It is terrible if u reach a place where you cant bear to look at ur wife/husband. In the long run you will both suffer ..in this life and the hereafter.

But i think this depends on the person. If you are afraid that you will look at other women just cos what Allah gave you isnt enough, then better to marry a woman with looks..however in my experience this never works, as no one has a gaurantee that their looks will last. Kids will come, accidents can happen, surgeries could occur. If you are someone who put looks on higher level, what are you going to do? find another wife with looks??

 

Ps..brother with the problem..when i say 'you', I dont mean you per se, but 'you' in general.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

From reading the posts in this topic , it seems like women r not shallow like men. We men need to get our heads sorted out soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:D

 

Please keep on topic. Feel free to start a new, separate topic to discuss whatever you feel like discussing, but not here please. Going off-topic is a violation of IF rules, and is not fair to the topic starter.

Thank you for helping us better organize IF. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Assalamu Alaykum

 

This has been one of the most lively and entertaining discussion i've seen in IF. Weldone guys for the good points; sunshinez, Mansoor, sister in Islam, afghan hijabi...

 

For the guest who initiated the discussion, may Allah give a good and pious wife, a happy long lasting marriage and satisfaction. You seem on track to me and with the contaacts your getting from scholars plus advice here in IF, insha Allah everything will be fine. Ameen

 

Ma'assalam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×